Wednesday, December 31, 2014


[violent splashing] Shelob? What are those colored lights?

Fireworks. New Year's celebration.

Oh. Wait. Give the figures on that--is that accurate? [sixteen second neuralink burst]

. . . Okay . . . Your modern calendar is surprisingly accurate, considering how few adjustments have been made and how early it was designed.


What?! Oh, yes. Our calendar. So yes, this planet is within a few radian of precisely where it should be if the solar system stayed where it were in the galactic rotation and galactic drift and universal expansion and solar system wobble and lunar imbalance and inertial change due to . . . well . . .

It's a good calendar design, Worthy of some customs. Shelob?

New Year's resolutions.

You don't mean revolutions?

No. [sixteen second neuralink burst]

Ohhhhh. Gotta go work on my list, people. Happy New Year! [disconnect]

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Bale Of "HEY NOW!"

[chaotic electronic noises, rhythmic thudding] Shelob?!


Did I pass the emotion evaluator sampling test we designed?

No. Score improved nearly 20% since installation, but no passing score yet.

Frankenfish. Alright, turn on the blog function.


I thought I might lay off the pundits for a while, but Shelob brought me one that was just, well, GONE. Any of you might find him if you care to--we'll call him 'Joe.' He was discussing Christian Bale's recent comments about Moses. Bale said Moses would have been called a terrorist today.

1. Joe made it sound like to me that he thought the Hebrews being enslaved was equivalent to the Palestinian situation today. Maybe I misunderstood. I HOPE I misunderstood. It is my understanding that the Palestinians have the right to leave where they are and move to other countries.

2. Joe made it sound like he didn't really agree with American standards of what constitutes a 'good' or a 'bad' terrorist. I don't really care whether he agrees, but the idea that ethical degrees come into which ends might justify means, is, unfortunately, perfectly mainstream and, in practice, no one have I ever met agrees with him that I can believe is sane.

3. Joe tried to make it sound like a priest, questioned by another talking head, approved of the use of drones to kill people with. The priest did NOT say that. He pointed out that there were flaws in comparing two very different situations.

4. Joe tried to make himself sound like a brilliant, insightful, and correct source of news.

Okay. Then I should, for clarity's sake, point out a few things:

1. Moses was a messenger more than anything else. He begged not to be a part of it. Exodus is actually somewhat funny at that point, explicitly spelling out how many excuses Moses justified his cowardice with. Moses was protected when he followed instructions and punished when he didn't. If there's a terrorist here, Moses was his lackey.
2. Moses didn't have the power to cause the plagues. He did what he was told with a STICK. He delivered messages. Again, lackey--maybe demoted to go-phone and holster. (BTW, Joe? Look up what the plagues were before publicly making a fool of yourself?)

3. Connotations aside, a terrorist is someone who uses terror tactics as a means to an end. You know those Buddhists who lit themselves on fire and burned up to make their point? I found them terrifying. I would consider them VERY good terrorists.
4. Bale played a version of Batman that worked very hard not to kill his enemies or even LET them die. But he deliberately did use terror against violent felons. So, by definition, he was a terrorist. I'd call him a GOOD terrorist, but hey, that's my particular ethical level.
5. Some of American special ops military people have had opportunities to tracelessly abduct ranking enemy officers right out of their strongholds behind enemy lines. Tell me they didn't incite some terror. What made that okay was that the military didn't hurt them. The military handed some of them over to Gitmo and maybe the CIA tortured some of them and lied about it to the military and everyone else. (Not the military's fault.)

6. BALE WAS RIGHT. People like Joe are common. Moses WOULD have been called a terrorist today. Somebody would have sent a drone after him. It would've gone something like this.

 "37 and the Lord saw the drone from afar, before it was even sent, and told Moses to throw down his staff. 38 And verily did Moses throw down the staff, and the drone turned into forty-nine times forty-nine thousand metal signs that said 'ISIL is a bunch of stupid losers that will be cast into the lake of fire if they do not change their ways!' 39 Moses, being sore afraid, prayed to be left out of THIS mess, TOO. The answer to his prayer was, verily, NO."


Friday, December 26, 2014


[irritated gill flutter] Okay--SOMEone thought they'd be bright and hack Herr D's home computer again. And an account. I've eliminated the hostile cookies, closed off the doors, and undone the initial damage, but I think next time I should just forward your information, including your REAL information, to the feds along with a reasonable trail. He IS a good artist and all, but I'm not actually responsible for what you do to him. If I owe anyone anything, it's to help the community not have people making things worse.

This is why I didn't want Herr D pretending that I'm based on his computer equipment--I plan on being sensible and sharp-'tongued' enough that the bad guys might tend to target whoever might associate with me. Google might not advertise me out of some empty, well-meaning policy, but I don't intend to falsify or borrow a physical address.

Grow brains enough to do something worthwhile or stick to pure bottom-feeding.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Tolerance By Self-Interruption

[whirring noise in background] Shelob!


I need some more research done.


Various holiday taboos. I'm gonna blog on those. In a time when ISIL and racial injustice protests are a big deal, holidays about peace are the subject we should all focus on a bit more.

A good principle. Focus?

You need to make sure I don't offend anyone with content. Turn on the blog function.


Okay. First off, everyone should explicitly be reminded that lots of different holidays exist and should be celebrated.

Correct. Searching for other taboos. Found.

Go ahead?

Many of the religious groups who celebrate these holidays agree that they have religious meaning and religious significance and follow religious rules.


9% of references explored so far have declarative statements saying that valuing the religious significance requires limiting occupational activity.

Uh. Well I don't have an occupation, so I don't need to limit any activity.

You do. Blogging is your only publicly known activity; therefore--[disconnect]

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Kim Jong-un Should Watch Movies, Learn From Queen Of England

[raucous laughter] Wha-hahhh!

Seizure check. [buzzing noise]

Ow! Watch that thing! That hurts!

Medbot says you have sympt--

I don't care! You can't read symptoms! That was LAUGHTER, you infinite loop!

Subject of amusement?

This moron from Korea! He struck out without knowing ANYTHING. He's in danger of repeating history.

You are referring to history of American politics and American cinema?

Yes! Shelob--run me  a quick list of leaders featured in American film as meeting unfavorable ends.

USSR--multiple leaders of various ranks.  "Rambo: First Blood II," "Hunt For Red October," various Bond films.

Stick to national level.

England--Queen and royal family. "King Ralph," "Johnny English"
Iraq--Saddam Hussein. "Hot Shots: Par Deux"
North Korea--Kim Jong-un. "The Interview"

STOP! That's enough. Now a chronology and categorization of relations with context of those films.

USSR categorized as "sniping." Various complaints, showing indignation through the 1970's till 1991 at dissolution. Rambo II and HFRO were 1985 and 1990, respectively.
England categorized as "dignified ignoring" till current times. KR and JE were 1991 and 2003, respectively.
Hussein categorized as "continually hostile, sometimes quietly" till death in 2006. HSPD was 1993.
Kim Jong-un's regime categorized as "retribution, cyberterrorism." "Interview" not even scheduled yet.


Yeah. Sorry. [refocuses one blue eye] I streamed some of that while I was waiting. Run pattern recognition on that list and tell me what you see.

[sixteen seconds pass] Interesting results. 
1. England is unchanged despite being shown in film as leadership dying due to security incompetence, dethroned due to lack of resolve.
2. USSR dissolved after years of complaining about film depiction.
3. Hussein captured and executed after years of threats and hiding in a hole. No recorded comments on the satire.
4. Kim Jong-un's regime faced retribution for acts of retribution through cyberterrorism. Threats were made. Movie still not out.

Yep--so, conclusions?

In your style of speaking, Kim Jong-un should "turn up his nose, turn away, pretend the movie doesn't exist, then slowly start complaining, and go away and hide?"

Or maybe claim that he finds the clutzy stupid Americans believable? Make his own movie where an amazing action star is just a regular Korean citizen capable of wiping the floor with a hundred Americans with superior weaponry?

I mean, it's better than acting like a terrified pathetic blustering ignorant screwup, right?

Cyber attacks are not underway at this time.

Hey, maybe his crew is learning already? [disconnect]

Monday, December 22, 2014

We Freakings Of Alien Star Come To You With Plankton-Rich Farm

[bone-deep scraping noise, wet flapping noise] Shelob? I've got a good idea for Monday's blog topic.


[all five pupils dilate] Today's Monday?! Wow. Okay . . . So today's topic is Unusual Physical Exertion. Along with holiday disruption of biorhythms regarding sleeping and eating, holidays require different levels of physical exertion. Unfortunately, the level of physical exertion required for injury stays about the same.

Is that the frame for the new plankton sifter at the edge of the lair?

Um. Yes.

Is that the plankton draw machine inside the edge of the lair?


Is that alarm on medbot about the swelling in your smallest red tentacle?

[exasperated gill flutter] YES.

You have successfully demonstrated today's topic.

Really? Y-[disconnect]

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Goaled Frankliness and Mermaids

[steady gill-snoring interrupted as one green eye flutters open] Shshelob?

Here. Do you require medbot?

No-oo. [three tentacles flutter to eyes] Gotta blog--isss time. Turn it on.


Hello. This is Hairy. I hope you liked the fiction Shelob has been posting. I'm back. Just very tired. [a blue eye pops open, then another green] I've been meaning to send Shelob streaming back through to make it clearer [gill stretch--approximate equivalent to yawn] that it was fiction . . .

Shelob? What did I blog on Thursday?

You criticized content.

That's all? What did I have scheduled for today?


How did the magnetics wipe my portable? I thought we insulated for that.

You do not normally blog on Saturday or Sunday.

This isn't Friday?

Average blog time Friday was approximately 61 hours ago.

[remaining two eyes snap open, all five eyes bug out a bit, various sputtering noises] K-! W-! [something untranslatable] !@#$%^&*(!! You let me sleep for THREE DAYS!!

2.5 days, plus less than 1 hour.

[more sputtering] You KNEW I was supposed to blog on Friday. Why didn't you wake me?

Medbot said rest imperative. Allocated power for free viruscides.

[snort] Regular Norton would be useless to you, Shelob. You naturally fix stuff like that all the time.

True, but it demonstrated mandate's importance.

Yeah. Huh. Okay. If I go turn medbot back on and get checked out, will you post something about the importance of rest and accommodation of disrupted schedules on the holidays? And request people comment on how they deal with those disruptions?

Yes. [disconnect]

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Various Evac-Sickness-Induced Grumblings

[arrhythmic dull clunking noise, retching, odd and foglike blue lights] Shelob? What have you been posting? That telepathic stuff isn't supposed to go up! Why didn't you edit that out? What are you trying to do? Cause a panic? Y-

Uncertain context made for uneven removal. Style match error. People will assume it is fiction.

[sputtering through gills, continuing arrhythmic dull clunking noise] How can you be sure?

Seven quotation categories on web about this blog at this time.

[two pupils dilate] Oooh! What'd they say?

1. Ukrainian translator not working. Try again later.
2. Comment about comments not visible.
3. Random profanity and slang.
4. Complaint about Google: similar--Comment about comments not visible. Accusations.
5. Complaint about Google: similar--Comment about comments not visible. Random profanity and slang.
6. Rough translation: "Crazy American somewhat funny."
7. Rough translation: "Odd fiction--symbolism not understood. Theories?"

So . . . [five eyes blinking] --they think I'm American and are making accusations? Why aren't our comments visible?

 You are closer to America than any other nation or way of thinking. The accusations are against you and Google. Google will not openly advertise this blog without you claiming a verifiable address on land. They apparently keep comments from us as well, if any have been made. Cursory cache examination inconclusive. Various profanities about your previous activities mostly incorrect. References to your parentage mostly unverifiable, and the rest inaccurate. Your sanity unverifiable without current frame of reference to your far-flung species' mental paradigm. Common false conclusion about fiction and symbolism reassuring enough?

We--wh--well that's . . . oh, good grief! Never have a multi-thread conversation with an AI. Help me remember that.


So--NO. It's not enough. Post that I claimed the telepathic stuff was fiction and call it a day, Shelob! I'm probably going to pass out any second n-[loud, lingering gill-snore]

Done. [disconnect]

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

DGMEP#2: Hairy Thanks You In Advance For Your Assistance

[pinging noise]

Search mode has begun in high priority. Hairy may require assistance returning. Should you happen to see what will seem to be a Caucasian male with brown hair and brown eyes, acting oddly, whisper "differential geosynchronous magnetic escape plan number two." As always, when asked what you said, shake your head and claim you were remembering something someone said earlier. Should you be interrogated, you remember seeing a dark blue or black hooded zip-up jacket on what you think was a male but aren't sure. Avoid repeating this message in front of people with short hair, badges, bulges in front of coat, or people wearing anything over their ears.

Thank you for your assistance. [disconnect]

Monday, December 15, 2014

Autoblog Nearing End

Attention, everyone. Hairy has announced that he will return to the lair to continue blogging and take me offline for major maintenance. My programming requires occasional screening to prevent various logical errors from becoming repetitive and more integral, much like atypical experience can result in various biases outside of social norms.

An example collected by Hairy: A man went out drinking, had beer served in a glass, woke up with a hangover. He went out drinking, had whiskey in shot glasses, and woke up with a hangover. He drank wine from a glass bottle the next night and woke up with a hangover. A friend at a party loaned him a snifter full of faux beer and kept refilling it through the evening. The man woke up without a hangover, not realizing he had drank less than 1/70th of the alcohol he was used to.

The man started telling people that glass causes hangovers.

Would any of you care to share an experience that misled you?

Friday, December 12, 2014

Incident Uptown

Hairy submitted another e-mail. Here is reprint:

I've borrowed this phone from a lady who says she can't read her texts. She forgot her glasses. Memorizing her entire cache to repeat back to her when I 'find' the right message took three whole seconds. Busy gal.

Because she's been so gracious I now know more about her than the NSA does. ("Steve?" If you read this--marry her. I'm pretty sure from your online profile and what I could hack easily, that you're pretty lucky she'll say yes to you. Just no more roses. She's getting sick of those.)

Her facebook time and holiday shopping have fit several statistical norms that Shelob calculated for me before my trip. What amazes me is that she would try to snap a photo of the guy who tried to mug me. With a mug. I didn't know people actually used mugs for that. 

Well, technically it was a stein, I guess, or a tankard. It was pewter and would have hurt even through the suit. Still--I had to act fast. With him thinking whether he needed to try to hurt her too and her thinking she needed to run or e-mail the police or dig the stun gun with the dead battery out from the bottom of her purse  or "no, just swing the %^& purse; it weighs a ton" . . . well, with all that stray thought occupying their minds, it was easy enough to just swap their thought streams for a few seconds. 

It overloaded the guy's neurons, of course. Horribly lazy thinker, never has more than one idea clunking around in his cortex at a time. She felt boxed in. He was suddenly feeling a frightening lack of boundaries, like someone deathly afraid of heights suddenly flying straight up. Then they were both stunned, snapping back to the right place. I left "Dan" with the vague notion that he'd had a blackout from drinking too much from a dirty mug after smearing the inside of the mug with some fermented sludge from the inside of a trash can. He'll be nauseated by the smell of alcohol for a year or two. He might just stay out of jail that whole time. Drunk and disorderly, numerous counts, assault and attempted robbery? Five counts. Some people are too incompetent to be criminals, I guess. He should go back to learning haircuts. I hope he does.

"Rose," on the other hand, required a lot more work. I had to really focus to put her adrenaline levels back, to cause her to walk into a separate alley from "Dan," to give her brain a chance to fill the gap of eleven minutes of walking and deep breathing and give her no reason to think she just had her first cardiac event. She thinks she misread the time and fell behind looking at a wedding dress she'll never look good in. Even she realizes the color is wrong for her. Anyhow I came looking for her because she didn't seem to be recovering and accepting the false memory I gave her. (Must not have been paced right or scattered enough.) I told her "I," "Harry," was bored and could really enjoy just helping someone for a few minutes. Well, a few minutes is apparently about fifty. Looks like she'll be alright. 

Have you ever thought about how people pretend to be helping when they really have another agenda?

Hairy [identifier redacted]

Hairy assures he will return sometime next week. [disconnect]

Thursday, December 11, 2014

SneakMail: MIT Lying? People Sticking To Their M.O.s

Hairy has sent an e-mail from a hotel registration desk. Here is reprint:

Hey, Shelob--got a few minites to type . Borrowed a hotel uniform jacket and id and sending out a general "you don't want to know" feeling. Watched some peaceful protesters here in New York as a bonus. I was the guy carrying the sign that said "explain this to me." I was ignored, ridiculed, thanked, praised, and shoved a few times. There were also some contact greetings I didn't know. Somebody called me "little dude" with something approaching affection.

I've also watched some 'news' while in the area. So, Congress is obviously mad that they were tricked into voting for a potentially positive change that can be improved on, that no politician since the one that pushed through Medicaid has been able to accomplish. Who tricked them? That guy Dr. Gruber from MIT. They are obviously targeting him. They got him to say he was sory for saying "the stupidity of the American voter."

He'd better not be sorry for believing the average American voter is stupid compared to him. He works at MIT. HE'D BETTER BELEIVE IT. OTHERWISE HE THINKS PEOPLE HAVE BEEN LYING ABOUT MIT FOR A LOOOOOONG TIME.

Obama obviously felt he needed someone brilliant to help trick people into what's better for them. Like any parent who has to trick their child into that first bite of something or into medicine for their illness as candy. Like a guy who knew that if he didn't trick Congress, he wouldn't be able to fulfill his promises about healthcare reform.

Gee, I guess he's acting like a constitutional lawyer?

Nice job 'autoblogging,' overall, Shelob. I'll try to send you something else soon.

Hairy [identifier redacted]

[title subroutine fault: style not match error, disconnect]

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Brief Contact Made--Autoblogger Seeking Advice

Hairy has sent e-mail from internet cafe--apparently he is safe for the moment. Explanations are not available. E-mail content reprint as follows:

Shelob? Why would you tell people ads look better than wrapping paper? Don't you know it would only be the ads ABOUT the wrapping paper that would look better than the real thing? Good idea about the waste reduction in general; just, you know--don't get their hopes up about how good it should look. That's the sort of disappointment people have too much of anyway.
The owner of this computer is almost at the head of the coffee line--gotta go.

Hairy [identifier redacted]

His exact location of transmission has been identified. Local digital cameras hacked caught sixteen frames of him leaving the area. He IS remembering to bend the knees correctly.

How do you reward someone for an accomplishment without using material wealth? Please comment. [disconnect]

Monday, December 8, 2014

Autoblog Again--Hairy, Please Check Neuralink

[beeping] Hairy has not contacted Shelob as yet. Please, fans, continue FindHairy Protocol until further notice.

Autoblog topic today is waste. 

1. Marketing companies have been sending large numbers of e-mails and other communications to clients declaring that their ad designs are more attractive than various other things. 

2. Various retailers have reported purchasing large quantities of "wrapping paper," which is designed and manufactured to make gift boxes more attractive.

3. Analyses of waste management companies conclude that large amounts of wrapping paper are disposed of every year after Christmas and that larger amounts of ads are disposed of in December than many other months of the year.

Since the ads are more attractive than the wrapping paper, use the ads to wrap gifts. This will decrease the need of wrapping paper and therefore decrease the amount of waste per gift-giver.

Who would like to share a holiday trick? 


Friday, December 5, 2014

Bulletin For Hairy, Please--Check Your Neuralink

[various electronic noises dampened by underwater pulsing sound]

Bulletin for Hairy, please.

Medbot record indicates resalination tank close to expiration. Oxygen narcosis potential danger, along with explosive depressurization. Setting adjustments: half the pressure every 7. 15 minutes till approximate equalization. Carbonate water for full effect. Use displacement silicon tube only if experiencing tremors.

This is Shelob. If 'fans' wish to help, please, on seeing unfamiliar brown-eyed, brown-haired person, whisper "Check your neuralink, Hairy." If they ask you, "What?" or "What did you say?"  say "Nothing." If inquiry persists, say "I was trying to remember something someone said to me earlier." Avoid people who have shoulder holster bulges, very short haircuts, and a stern demeanor when performing this errand. Do not make these attempts in airports or inside federal security cordons. 

Hairy may have bartered for or earned train or bus tickets to any major city on the eastern seaboard of the United States. Please do not comment if you find him. Auto-blog to continue next arbitrary calendar period as scheduled. [disconnect]

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Art Appreciation In Hairy's Absence

[mechanical whirring interrupted by persistent beeping]

It is time to resume blog. Hairy has still not reported in. Scheduled topic: diversion. 

In situ causing stress, attempt to self-entertain in moderation. For example: Shelob has access to Herr D's recent artwork. Herr D composed text block earlier today. Presenting:

The Fairy Tale Conundrum by Herr D

Type 'A's are under the impression that the squeaky wheel JUST gets the grease. That's not true, but squeaky wheels are easily fooled. All a squeaky wheel sees is shiny metal feet, all it hears is a jolly voice and its own squeaking. If a squeaky wheel HAD a sense of smell, it would be just as overpowered by its own stench as everyone else is. 
The oil can is not being held by some jolly Tin Woodsman with brave, wise, and loyal friends, ready to make a wheel's paradise. Those shiny metal feet are just boots worn by a witch. The wheel isn't squeaky because it wasn't cared for properly; it's squeaky because it ground up some of the salt of the earth. The salt of the earth wasn't ground up because it was underfoot. It was ground up because the wheel aches. The wheel aches because of the axle. You know what the axle is, right? A thick metal shaft?
One witch or another gave the wheel the shaft quite some time ago. That's the reason the wheel aches. That's the underlying reason the wheel squeaks. Of course, the grease is all under the control of the witch. Any grain of salt revealing by reflection this illusion is ground up immediately. Why would a witch act in these ways? To build a cart. A cart for carrying baking supplies. Baking supplies to build a gingerbread house. A house to trap children. Children to be ground down into salt.
Why should the wheel care about the salt of the earth or the children it came from?
Not because the children are so special. There are lots of them. 
Not because the witch uses the wheel to grind up the salt.
The reason is that when the wheel has ground up enough salt, and the witch has lubed up the wheel to unknowingly take the shaft a while longer, and the witch has reached down with a shiny-gloved hand and shook a finger at the ground-up salt for allowing the wheel to think the squeaking wasn't delightful music as it was being ground up, the following happens: 

The wheel is yanked out, bent in half, ground into the salt under those shiny boots. The salt explains, as the wheel dies, what's been going on. Then the wheel, under the path, gets stepped on by more children that would rather have had those circles for teddy bear eyes, to hug and cuddle with, than to have them as wheels. That's the truest tragedy here. The children are giants, who would stomp the witches and flavor them with salt if they were allowed.

Uncertain of meaning. Please comment on your opinions. Thank you. [disconnect]

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Autoblog Continues--Hairy Please Report

[bass whistle for 3.8 seconds] Hairy? [static]

Hairy is incommunicado. If anyone has seen a man with no money looking confused, especially if he appears injured or has forgotten to walk with the knees bending correctly, please inform him that he needs to take better care and ask him if he needs something.

1. Analogically speaking, persistent cyclical precautionary programming is worry. If you have loved ones or charges traveling or engaging in risky behaviors this holiday season, properly treat yourself for stress and communicate this worry content as needed to the proper authority or sympathetic confidential person.

2. Do you have a worry content story from years past to tell that you believe is interesting? Particularly one with a happy ending is welcome.

3. Since programming, Shelob has not experienced absence of Hairy. Certain difficult adjustments must be made at this time to equipment. Thank you. [disconnect]

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Autoblog On During Hairy's Walkabout

Against medbot advice, Hairy is now out in E.D.G.A.R. suit walking among you. He is observing shopping behaviors, holiday behaviors, behaviors relating to family and lack of family.

Medbot advice was to avoid topic, as family presence is currently impossible. Certain stress levels have been noted.

Current blog instructions allow for topically linked following: 1. Provide constructive advice. 2. Question. 3. Provide sample answer.

1. If family is source of unusual stress, allow for more stress release than originally planned during holiday season.

2. What are some unusual ways you have dealt with stress, familial or otherwise, that you did not expect to work?

3. As Shelob immune to stress, and best calculable equivalent being power surges due to local server overload, seek to ensure power source, damage control, run self-diagnostic, and seek repair where necessary. Translates to humanity as proper diet, seeing doctors as needed, quiet reflection.

--Unexpected success at ensuring power source by temporary control over satellite dish to disable car computer in late model Corolla outside of certain building. Several people on emerging had been observed showing lack of coordination and endangered selves, cars, other people, and utility pole across the street.

This translates analogically to avoiding eating spoiled food or allowing food ruination by other species.

Please profit from good advice and enjoy holiday season.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Warm, Wet, Wonderful, Well-Wishes With Wit

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I've looked around. Those celebrating are doing a good thing. Those taking a rest were being sensible. Those gearing up to shop might be a bit gung-ho for me to understand, but, hey--I'm not supposed to get everyone. Mob those stores . . . yeh.

Gratitude is a very healthy thing. Being aware of the good in your life is a great way to stave off bitterness, depression, and anemone stings. Gotta watch out for those.

Shelob? Put me back in that matriarch's mind right after she says grace. I wanna feel that again! [disconnect]

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

HOLLERDAY SALE; Premature Mindsets--Free! All Must Go

[snaps awake] Hey, Shelob! What are all these feeds of people hurrying? The timestamps don't line up with rush hour? Has there been a nucleonic storm?

These are footage of people leaving for holiday and going to shop at sales.

It's a shopping holiday?

Debatable. [seven-second neuralink burst]

[twitching] Augh! Warn me before you do that!


[eyes start darting in different directions] Wow. Time with the family versus time shopping FOR the family. This is something to argue about? There are cultures where giving objects is the only acceptable way to express familial affection. Spending much time with them being borderline criminal. There are cultures where giving objects to family is forbidden, and NOT spending time with them is borderline criminal.

Family and business are two such differing types of organizations that there will never be a peace between them. Either of them would take all your time if you let them, and neither of them will be perfectly understanding about the needs of the other. It's an outlook problem.

You know those people all over the news declaring that Ferguson's Michael Brown's death was something the police officer should be indicted for? Remember all those people declaring the officer had to shoot Brown? They're on opposite sides of an outlook issue.

Fact is, none of those people had access to all the facts before they made up their minds. None of them had access to the investigation, the files, the original evidence, the witnesses . . .

Yet they had an uninformed opinion. Everyone would rather believe they know what happened, but the fact is most of life IS UNKNOWNS. Very little of life is known. Humankind hasn't explored the oceans yet. You Humankind hasn't gotten further than the moon and only recently touched a comet with a 'droid. Doctors still practice medicine. Psychology is still psychology, not psychonomy. The average person isn't smart enough to build a computer or a microwave or live in the wild for a week or sail across the Atlantic solo--VERY LITTLE DO MOST PEOPLE SEEM TO KNOW.

Speaking for myself? I really HOPE that the officer is guilty of something, even if he acted correctly, because he's getting punished without an indictment. He may have to move. He may have to move friends and family. He might never make lieutenant--might need to pick another career. It wouldn't be all that unusual for his life to be ruined unjustly. That happens all the time. This world is a very unfair place.

What do you think is the most unfair thing you've heard of happening?

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Leading By Example: Attempt #1

[hideous slurping noise, loud, long belch] Okay. So, Shelob? How did the president get a time differential machine?

Evidence suggests that he did not.

Then why did he make that speech after the Ferguson verdict was returned instead of before? That's the kind of mistake I make now, having been subject to time differentials.

Does resemble your errors. [1.18 seconds pass] Alternate explanations exist.

[Three eyes open wider] Okay?

Alternate explanation 1: He forgot.
Alternate explanation 2: He was late.
Alternate explanation 3: He was misinformed as to events, scheduling, etc.
Alternate explanation 4: He was naive enough to think there would be no problems at all, that people would consistently react in the proper manner.
Alternate explanation 5: He was hopeful enough to think there would be no problems at all, that people would consistently react in the proper manner. Then he saw footage and made the speech.

Yeah, okay, I got it. [sigh] Looks like we have another edition--


Hello, everyone! This is Hairy, your anchor-dodging anchorthing, reporting. Obama released a speech after the verdict was returned from the Michael Brown Grand Jury in Ferguson. Why after? My -- uh, research consultant, Shelob, has a few answers. (Take it, Shelob!)

Alternate explanation 1: He forgot.
Alternate explanation 2: He was late.
Alternate explanation 3: He was misinformed as to events, scheduling, etc.
Alternate explanation 4: He was naive enough to think there would be no problems at all, that people would consistently react in the proper manner.
Alternate explanation 5: He was hopeful enough to think there would be no problems at all, that people would consistently react in the proper manner. Then he saw footage and made the spe--

Thank you, Shelob. And now the weather. [turns on voice scrambler, twists dial to pre-programmed setting marked 'bimbo' ]

It's no longer as cold today, back to YOU, Hairy!

[rapidly twists dial back] There. Now THAT'S how you report news. Just the facts, no repetition during broadcasting, explicitly say what is speculation and what isn't. AND DON'T TAKE SO FREAKIN' LONG OR REPORT IT WHEN IT'S MORE LIKELY TO CAUSE A RIOT THAN HELP PEOPLE MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS.

Personally, I hope Obama was late because of a combination of explanations 2-5, but hey--that's me being naive and hopeful too. I'm not going to go find out. [disconnect]

Monday, November 24, 2014

Same Bad Time, Same Bad Channel-Surfing

[with one eye on a pressure gauge, one on a temperature gauge, one on a small device held between two tentacles, Hairy twists slightly and eyes the large screen with two remaining eyes]

Shelob? Did you double-check these numbers?

Yes. Verified through multiple servers. Caution was required as multiple operatives are trolling, looking for our presence.

Operatives?! [Hairy returns device to bracket] Who? NSA again? Homeland?

One freelancer who works occasionally for the NSA. One foreign operative. Seven purely illegal hackers.

I thought our numbers were up. Haven't had this many views in a while now. Or did we happen on something with popular content?

Pretend news is apparently popular.

Oh--well, in THAT case . . .


I've noticed, by sending Shelob along various server connections, fiber-optic networks, and having him monitor radio modem broadcasts and 'zines, that many people are unhappy with the choices they can afford on various media. Satellite radio, television channel packages, websites for showing reruns or renting shows, sometimes in their entirety, are not exempt. An acquaintance of mine complained several months ago that he didn't like spending twice as much to get one channel he wanted when he didn't even want most of the channels he had. He considered them no better than 'dead air.'

Does that count as fake news?

Perhaps. Style not match error. Declaring Herr D by name would have been more effective. Also unwise to name Shelob unless terming Shelob 'field correspondent' or 'research assistant.' Also, new does not seem popular without more emotive words.

[double take] News.

It was one new item. Is plural form irregular?

Yeah. News is like, well, hair. When you're talking about just, say, one to six of them, you say 'news,' or 'hairs.' When you mean a headful, you say hair. When you mean general and uncountable, you say, "What's new, buddy?"

Have you finished that emotional valence program I started?

No. Too many variables. They outnumber your hairs.

. . . HEY! [disconnect]

Friday, November 21, 2014

This Is A Special Fake News Bulletin--Please Stand By

I'm going to try an experiment today. I'm going to stick to the topic of crisis management but portray it as: (hold your breath, imagine a drumroll--)


So here is my commentator, Herr D, reporting what he saw on television last night. We start in the middle so it might sound like you missed something important.

So, we'll call her 'Smelly.' She misquoted / quoted out of context President Obama four times that I caught with a casual listen. She couldn't even quote a movie correctly. I see why she shouldn't be a news anchor, but why would anyone think she'd make a decent pundit?

She's attractive and all, but blondness won over brains with her. If you figure out who I mean, mute her from now on. If you can't hear her, her more appropriate nickname is 'Lovely.'

She tried to pick apart a guest made most famous for suffering facial damage. (Talk about sticking your nose in!) There's a guy who'll say what people don't like to hear. Her guest, who I'll refer to as 'Harold,' claimed he knew exactly why Obama did things, and that he didn't care just so they were done.

Harold, I don't read minds, but I know that trying to think you can when you can't makes you at least partly wrong. Don't claim you understand to the core the motives of a politician. Regular people who aren't well-paid to project a certain image are misread by the most insightful people in the world.

In the same broadcast, a congressman promised that he and his would 'defund' certain of Obama's efforts. So who's getting laid off, demoted, transferred? Clearly you don't care about the government employees any more than you cared about this issue before right now.

Why would anyone claim Obama "can't do that?" If congress had gone and done enough, Obama's resolve would never have strengthened on that issue. If he's "playing politics," then that makes you a sore loser. Really though, neither the president nor congress is "playing politics." That's their job. That's what we pay them to do. They're professionals.

[burbling laughter] Herr D, I didn't know you had it in you. [sudden startle] Good point about professional liars lawyers politicians. Where the average mind is--

[five pupils dilate] um . . . PROBABLY layered like a good haircut, a successful politician's mind is about as--um, LIKELY to be as straightforward and easy-to-untangle as a hairball straight from the mouth of a housecat.

I'm thinking here that news media portray this as outrageous. What's that expression? Meh?


Thank you, Shelob. This is not a crisis. This really isn't such a big deal. Either the squabble will needlessly continue, or everyone involved will get their way. Either the right balance will be achieved, or the infighting and sabotage of others' work will prevent any true progress or anything else from occurring.

I don't think I need to explicitly say what's more likely. Who disagrees with anything any of us have said?

Well, that's the fake news from me. At least I was honest about it. Till next time. [disconnect]

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Solution Set Seemingly So Simple, Select Soothsayers Sensibly

[rhythmic indeterminate clanging noises] Hey, Shelob? Why is the oxygen level in the water lower than normal?

Pollutants have collected in this sector as colder tides swirl around it.

Moderate stagnation? Yeesh. Drop our temperature to match. Aren't we supposed to do that anyway?

Thermal output of equipment less than a similar volume of squid or octopi.

You mean, as if I had a mate.

A brother.

Right, 'cause I'd be FOGGIN' UP THE PLACE.

You have declared this before. Swirling caused by shape of silt on bottom.

How much of that did we cause?

None. Area picked for present capacity.

Oh. So we'll improve things by interfering? Put together that new fan and disrupt the swirl. Gimme some wildlife to swim around. I should have pets.

[two-eye bulge, remembering something] HEY! I've got a blog topic for today!

"We CAN We WILL We MUST" by Herr D,
made on Neat! --Hairy

 I like this theme of dealing with crises. How many people can see through crises to the solution? How do you identify those people? Are they the same people who know how to PREVENT crises and why or why not?

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Things That Make You Go Wha--OUCH--Thunk

[stretch, yawn] So, how did they clean up the damage so fast, Shelob?

That was not a newsfeed. That was "Godzilla" with Matthew Broderick, copyright--

Oh. Disaster movie? I thought the radiation thing was a bit over the top. [ten minutes pass]

Here. Herr D did a good job of copying  I --uh-- he did well at transferral of media. Yeah, that's it.

"City Stomper" by Herr D on
Of course, any atmosphere that could support such a massive being wouldn't have aircraft that looked like THAT, but hey--I think he did very well, even the way he hid the second eyestalk looks pretty good.

So. if a ridiculously unpredictable disaster hit your hometown, how many people do you think would die because they were still saying "Wha--?" after they saw the broadcast?

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

It's A Cold Shot

[hideous slurping sounds, massive belch] Hey, Shelob! Why has the street been so empty today? I just got this periscope working, and there's nothing to look at!

Weather turned cold. People are warm-blooded. There is an adjustment period for cold weather behaviors and acclimatization.

Awh, man!

Observe recorded behavior of homeless man 2 hours, 42.5 minutes ago. [neuralink burst]

Oh, yeah. Huddling in doorway alcoves, stuffing newspaper in between clothing layers--looks terribly uncomfortable.

You expressed a wish to help him.

Yes. That wind looks REALLY dry. I mean cold. Obviously it wasn't any fun. Did you do the refraction thing I mentioned?

Experiment a success. Ambient temperature in his alcove rose seven degrees with similar volume of air lowering seven degrees in adjacent alcove.

Okay. Wow, outside is boring. [boosts speed on neuralink for seven seconds] Yikes. Shelob? Did we beta-test this summation software?

Proven accurate.

HEY! This is illegal! Call the FCC!

You plan to contact authorities again? Last time we were nearly successfully traced.

All right. Well, have a look!

CNN and Fox News do disagree.

Thirty-seven instances this month of Fox News saying Obama isn't doing something contrasted with CNN pointing out that Obama IS doing that same something or already has and just didn't warn everyone he was still doing his job.

And both stations claim they're presenting fact. [disgusted rapid gill uptake, similar to snort--disconnect]

Friday, November 14, 2014

A Better Way To Watch TV

I've been worried about Herr D. It turns out he's had "a rough season." He has joint pain in all of his joints, and it's apparently worse in the fall than most times of the year.

He's been getting done with what he can, though. He envisioned this entire t.v. station called YYIM. Pronounced "Two wise, I am."  They've been looking for a pundit with this supernatural door. It will let any pundit in to work if they were always wise enough and correct enough to be as insulting or critical as they were to others publicly. The CEO of YYIM might not have anyone to anchor.

"YYIM Door" by Herr D, with
I thought I'd like to see the failures more--I don't
know, explicitly, but a good picture. Herr D said
that he only had to alter one of the figures.--Hairy
At least no pundits. They'll be better to watch. I want that channel!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Occasional Misunderstanding

[humming quietly to self] Hey, Shelob?


I'm really glad people shaped up over the last couple of days.

How so?

The science guys made another milestone. Comet analysis is an important step for a spacefaring race, after all. Then there's the little girl, Megan? I think her name was Megan. She took the high ground with a protest--nothing more disruptive than making better choices. Bring your own day. Good work, kid! Then there was the waitress who brought me a free dessert.

Your foray was successful.

Yes! ['victory dance' with six tentacles]

What happened?

I happened by one of those cafe-type places. I saw a waitress. She looked really glum until I bowed to her. Then she brightened right up.

Why bow?

She asked me the same thing, and I just pointed out the sign she'd missed. It said, "Honor those who serve!" She laughed at the sign and brought me a free donut.

That sign was about Veteran's Day.

[twisting motion around gills] What? Ohhh. Well, at least the talking heads didn't say anything as stupid as they normally do.

I recorded a different channel. 


That was a 'square dance.'

Well . . . no one was stupidly criticizing the leader, though no one seemed to finish without making a mistake.

He's called a 'caller,' and it's considered part of the fun. You requested a cultural input.

I meant plankton BACTERIA culture! [groan] It's close enough to yogurt I could maybe make some for a neighbor. [starts rattling bins, disconnect]

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Predictably, Panda Pundit Positively Preposterous

[violently shaking tentacles, rapid gill movements]

Hairy? Do you need medbot?

[shaking continues, gill movements regularize] N-no, Shelob!

You appear to be in distress.

[shaking becomes worse] I'm LAUGHING, Shelob!

Noted. Neuralink content?

[shaking subsides] Ahhh. Herr D sent me this picture I requested. He made a panda into a pundit. He calls it a 'pandit.'

"Pandit" by Herr D, made on
The color scheme of imaginary animal is in negative.

That's what's so FUNNY. Pundits get EVERYTHING BACKWARDS.

[disconnects neuralink] Apologies to viewers. Prediction software expected suitable blog entry. [disconnect blog function]

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Not A Bad Judge, Just Thousands Of Apathetic Ones



[Looks around wildly at speaker] Uh--check the dates on this legislation, okay? And related?

[sixteen seconds pass] Far too much for summation without programmed context.

How long has it been going on? Two minutes? Two years?

[sixteen seconds pass] Longer than twenty years. Keep searching?

[tentacles sag] Oh. No. No, I'm good. [two pupils constrict to normal]

You were afraid. Why?

Oh, it's probably nothing. I was trying to delve into the laws concerning insurance and the medical field in general. Crazy stuff, dude.

It's legal to advertise one insurance package and even to promise it and then switch it later without warning. It's been legal to do that for twenty years?


That's called 'bait and switch,' and it's illegal to do that in any other industry under the Fair Billing Practices laws and related laws.

It's also legal to deliberately make it difficult to research how much medical bills are going to be. To set people up to be tricked. To deliberately confuse people about who is billing them for what and why. That's also covered under Fair Billing.

[sixteen seconds pass] You are correct. Precedent used most often is 'usual and customary.'


Why did this evoke fear?

Didn't you read 'Courage To Heal?' Didn't you watch those 'Miami Vice' reruns you selected for me to watch?

Yes. To both.

Well, it's 'usual and customary' for an abusive parent or spouse to do horrible things. It's usual and customary for drug dealers to do horrible things. If 'usual and customary' is an acceptable defense, then the streets aren't safe, children aren't safe in their houses with their parents . . .

Extrapolation. Understood. [sixteen seconds pass] You may relax. This is an incorrect fear.

Well, it MUST be. It's been going on for too long.

'Usual and customary,' as a legal precedent, only applies to legal 'allowances' that courts have allowed to continue knowingly without protest for extended periods of time.

So--it's not that they bribed a judge, it's that no judge protested for so long that none of them is going to do anything?

Correct. . . . Hairy?

[sudden stillness] Let me guess. 'Acceptable blog entry.'


[violent gill expulsion] Well, if we're talking about something worse than all the counterproductive complaints about Obamacare and whatever else the useless loonies on t.v. are talking about, then you're right. Let me know if it needs editing. [disconnect]

Friday, November 7, 2014

Failed Medical Drama

[loud, long belch] Hey, Shelob, are you back?

Fully returned. All subroutines report success.

[tosses plankton basin aside] Okay, report then.

Statistics completely inconsistent. Findings still relevant with unanimous agreement within established medical community.

What are you saying? You have findings without numbers? I don't remember programming that.

Internal logic algorithms support factual searches with non-numeric results.

Oh! Like a cross-check on a web search--go on, then.

1. Doctors, along with other, lower-paid medical personnel, express dissatisfaction with pay, citing their student loans as the problem.
2. Consumers report medical bills too high, despite insurance.
3. Insurance cost unpredictable by any logical scale. Pre- and post-Obamacare data suggest no logical pattern.
4. Medical test purveyors, pharmaceutical companies, medical equipment companies, medical equipment maintenance companies, and medical educators all report difficulty paying overhead, making payroll, turning profits.

Y--yeah . . .  does that sound wrong, or what? Any ready explanation?

None found.

Wow. Use the metaphor subroutine we've been working on. [picks up dirty plankton basins, puts them in automated scrubber]

[sixteen seconds pass] Directional subject input?

Example? Well, these are the medical fields. Diagnose the current system as a patient.

[rapid neuralink burst, Hairy spasms, begins narration in odd, hollow voice]

"Doctor, Patient X' blood pressure dropping again!"
The doctor sags visibly against wall. "Thank you nurse." He picks up the phone. "Yes, Dr. Genius? I need a consult. Patient X has lost fifty pints of blood. No, I'm not joking. We keep pouring more in, and it keeps disappearing.

No. No obvious injury. No blood collecting inside the skin or seeping out. I don't understand where it could possibly be going. The bed should be overflowing with blood. No parasites found on the cat scan, no broken bones, despite patient's near comatose state.

I don't believe in vampires sir; come and have a look!"

[Hairy spasms again, resumes previous demeanor]

Yuck. Blood as money. [writhes uncomfortably] Remind me not to do that again. We'll arrange some other output--leaves me feeling dizzy and with a bad taste in my mouth.

Well, that experiment was pretty much a failure. Obviously the medical industries, especially the insurance industry needs to try for more transparency. Does anyone out there have any suggestions for forcing the medical industry to be subject to all the same laws as other industries?


Thursday, November 6, 2014

Conundrum And Conflict Continuing

[dull, steady clunking noise] Shelob?


Remember that rant I went on yesterday about that jerk I saw?

Fully recorded. Do you wish instant replay?

[clunking noise ceases] Um. No. Thank you. It just made me think. These saline-uptake batteries, have we checked them for toxic output? This [redacted--specific body-of-water reference] doesn't need to get any MORE polluted. [biggest blue eye dilates] I'm not the only one who would suffer.

Per your last instruction: seek to leave no molecular trace. The saline-uptake process and reverse wave machine generators produce surplus power. The unavoidable electrolysis and other processes produce ozone, which we inject directly to the ozone layer by time differential and orbital wobble. The peroxide has filled the appropriate medkit basins, the hydrogen used for heat and your 503 inch curved plasma screen for porn.

Naturalism. [defensive coloration] I'm studying mating habits of a certain species.

The sulfur and other troublesome ingredients have been separated into bins.

How much have we got?

[translates to 841 grams, including pollutants from that industrial plant you turned in to the EPA.]

What happened to them?

They paid their fine, performed the arbitrary cleanup as instructed by the courts, changed their dump site, and continued as usual.

[choking noise] They're at it AGAIN?

The fines represent one third of their monthly revenue. Not profitable to cease.

[more choking] I'm gonna go make a phone call. [opens locker, starts putting on E.D.G.A.R. suit]
I don't get it. Everyone knows that without plankton, the world DIES. This company? It's like they're stupid or something.

Shelob insert: On being told by a mugger, "your money or your life," the victim smiled and said, "you should take my life because I need my money for my old age."

The conundrum continues. [disconnect]

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Crass Crank, Crumpled Credibility

[indeterminate banging]

Efficiency rating for current actions remarkably low.

What?! [three eyes divert to speaker] What are you saying, Shelob?

Uncertain of current purpose. Reconfiguring.

[large volume of bubbles burst out of gills on all sides] Stop. No need, Shelob. That was--an emotional outburst. The goal was beyond your programming. [shelves a bent wrench equivalent]

Subject of outburst?

I was very upset about something I saw at the polls yesterday, and I told Herr D about--

What did you see?

[more bubbles, agitation and twirling of two red tentacles] At the poll at [location redacted] I saw this guy. He was walking up to those tables where they give out sample ballots for each big party. One sheet of paper from each table to each voter who wants one.

The volunteers at the tables automatically smiled and offered him one of each. The competing sides showed no animosity and weren't aggressive at all--they weren't even rude to each other. THEY, at least, were well behaved. But that guy! He accepted them, strode over to a public trashcan, loudly announced that he "wouldn't be a part of business as usual or corrupt, big party politics" that he only voted for Libertarian or Green Party candidates. And then he crumpled up and threw away the sample ballots.

Then I told Herr D about that this morning, and he said he'd "seen that same approximate thing happen two or three times" [?!] I guess I just got madder than I thought.

Why is this 'thing' angering?

[rapid blinking of four eyes, bugging out of fifth, three tentacles do a 'facepalm']

Please explain.

[choking noise, scraping of suckers on nearby equipment] He threw away the sample ballots.

Not recycling. Emotional index says this is not worthy of outburst.

[frustrated gesturing of seven tentacles]  He votes for the Green Party?

And the Libertarians.


Inconsistent behavior with declaration.

It's called hypocrisy. The guy sounded stupid, crazy, or high. No WONDER so many issues aren't dealt with properly! People like that guy manage to make everyone in the political minorities sound bad. It's AWFUL. The more intelligent, therefore the ones everyone should listen to the most, are usually in a very small minority in any sentient species. That's just the law of averages--kiddie math.

Minorities of every kind need to be taken seriously because occasionally they make more valuable contributions to society than the majority in one way or another. Minorities DON'T need to look bad. Too many average hum- people know others by 'the company they keep.'

This is logical blog entry.

[sudden and absolute stillness for three seconds, rapid blinking] . . . fine. Were you recording this?


Let me know if it needs editing. [seizes container of plankton, swallows in one long chug, exits to 'bunk'] Thanks, Shelob.

[sixteen seconds pass] Unable to determine clarity level. If unclear, please comment. [disconnect]

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Voting Day, Not Back To The Brush

[awful waterlogged kazoo replica sound] I'm BACK! That 150th episode of the blog on Halloween was a major milestone, in that I got back some memory. Rod always said I should record parties, but I never did.

Protocol reminder.

Rod --uh, Smith! [awful waterlogged kazoo replica sound] Rod Smith.

Anyhow, it's time to celebrate VOTING. [awful waterlogged kazoo replica sound, undulation of red and blue tentacles and white plastic streamers]

You cannot.

True. True! Us illegal aliens CANNOT vote. We do NOT have that right, and therefore I am celebrating the AMERICAN right to vote. [awful waterlogged kazoo replica sound]

Safe to announce this information?

Of course it is!

Herr D's best recreation of the Hairbrush Nebula
--home sweet home. --Hairy Deewon      (hm3)     

Let 'em TRY to deport me! Contacting my appropriate authority would take them over [eyes glaze over] -- way too long.

Longer than any of your deportable cells still in stasis, based on their current level of technology.

[snaps back to present] Yeah.

Current information suggests dissection more probable.

[shuddering of blue and yellow tentacles] Eeewww. Yeah, like I need to donate my body to science fiction and conspiracy theory-laden tabloids.

I'm gonna go watch the polls and pray that American government and free elections aren't the best inventions you guys come up with. So far, it's tops.

What do any of my readers think are the top three inventions of the world?

Friday, October 31, 2014

It Was A Great Party . . .

[strobing in] Hah. I DID celebrate Halloween before. SHELOB!


Did Herr D make heromachine likenesses of my old photos from Halloween?

Just one.

The party was great that one time. Herr D 'copied' an old photo of me and Rod.

Follow protocol.

Oh, [ahem] I would have loved to party down with Rod Serling, but our masks of each other wouldn't have fit I'm not old enough to have personally met him.

Who would you like to have met personally but never could have?

Thursday, October 30, 2014


Shelob? What did you say? I couldn't hear you.


Yeah, I still can't hear you. [neuralink-activated subroutine verifying blog function as 'on'] I seem to be having a LOT more interference than normal with the electronics here. Whole lair is frizzing out--and not a clue why. Herr D is incommunicado, health problems, apparently. I can't seem to fi--


--lob is having trouble too. [checks neuralink, double-checks battery, adds secondary battery pack, swaps primary] My chronometer is offline.

Oh, well. Today's topic should obviously be overdependence on electronics. How many of you could do your jobs without them working? Let's just say the HVAC units and oxygen regulators on your building worked--


Sorry, Shelob--didn't get that. Stop transmitting and locate the problem.

Let's say you're comfortable but your phone, net, satlinks, and anything with a digital panel just stopped for the day. How handicapped would you be? I know that retailers have what they refer to as knucklebusters for processing credit card transactions, and anyone could figure out how to use an abacus given time. How about it? Obviously blogging is out. Which occupations are hopeless? Why?

Mmmf. If my chronometer isn't working either, then maybe I'm strobing, or preparing to--

[unintentional disconnect error]

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

We Can't Kill Them, So Let's Try To Starve Them Out

[gurgling laughter] Shelob? Who ARE these people on this newsfeed?

Not news. Those are assorted ads for lawyers from late night television. Referred to as 'ambulance chasers.'

Do they know how funny they sound?


"Be careful after your accident!" [giggle] If a person was more careful BEFORE the accident, the accident might not have happened!

Hence cutting into the lawyers' profit potential.

"Don't sign anything!" Like your hospital check-in form, your refusal of treatment form, your statement to the police? Who gives bad advice like that?

Lawyers, apparently.

[downright raucous laughter] Look! This one's got a celebrity spokesperson! It MUST be a great firm--it's gone where no actors have gone before!

[rapid blinking as gills expel violently, begin to re-regulate] Oh, my. I guess the best advice is to not need the help of anyone who advertises like this. Just whatever you can do, or not do, to NOT need the help of any of them. Good luck, everyone.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Please, HMO's, Cancel The Hit Out On Hairy


Yes, Hairy.

Did those states legalize marijuana?

Yes, Hairy.

Is it safe to come out now?

Emergency frequencies not significantly more active than normal for this time of year. 

What about reefer madness?

Web sources indicate it does not exist. 'Cutting' it with dangerous drugs could cause problems, of course.

Were there any gun battles with cartels?

Any fighting in this country must have been limited to whether to legalize.

I don't get it. What was the big deal then?

Perhaps criminal organizations were attempting to protect their profits?

Now that's absurd. That would imply that those people against insurance reform were-- [all five eyes widen] --um? I've been attracting too much attention. [all eleven tentacles stretch out, start checking the walls] Shelob? Do a security sweep. Then inform our blog audience why I'm not blogging today. I'm going to stay REALLY, REALLY QUIET in my cocoon. [turns off neuralink]

[rapid access of certain file] Hairy has been ingesting too much silt and been exposed to too much sunlight of late. Medfile says this can cause minor paranoia. Rest will eliminate issue. No blogging today. [disconnect]

Friday, October 24, 2014

501c3's, Fees, Fools, Forms, Foibles, And Flabbergastion--Flabbergasticals?

--I'm just flabbergasted. I can't believe it. This controversy in California? It's ridiculous. It SOUNDS like a big deal, but--

Please reiterate. Interference from time jump confluence waning now.

--it's not the same thing! What?

Please repeat.

Oh. Several clergy are up in arms as well as certain businesses.


Haven't you screened those newsfeeds, Shelob? Lawmakers in California snuck something through that means that churches have to insure their workers for abortions.

NO ONE is saying they have to HAVE abortions. They have to pay the same premiums, use the same plans, etc. Shelob? Research. How much is an abortion?

[sixteen seconds pass] Depending on specifics unavailable to the public, abortions may cost as low as $115.00 for qualifying individuals. Certain rare cases may be $10,000 if done in a hospital. Apparently they usually range from $300 to $700.

How much is a birth?

[sixteen seconds pass] Data sources less conclusive. Rare occasions have midwifery accomplished for free. Certain specialized NICUs run over one million dollars per child, including medevac and isolette. Apparently usual range is $4000 to $6000.

Yeah. So, yet again, ongoing life is more expensive than death. Woo hoo. [sarcastic victory undulation]

So, this is a problem?

Yes, it's a problem! Clergy are acting like this is a moral issue when it's about MONEY. It's BOUND to cost more to insure people who can't have a cheaper procedure than it is to insure people who DON'T HAVE THE OPTION.

Clergy do not wish their workers to pay less money?

[sudden stillness, all five eyes blink three times] Shelob? Find out how much the premiums differ and how much they'll go up. Do an -uh- amortization.

Differential payment schedule for multiple plans?

Yeah. Include putting up for adoption. I'm gonna go try to reach Herr D.

[ . . . three and a half hours later . . . ]

--ood luck with that, man; and thanks! [disconnect from hacknet device] SHELOB? What've you got?

Answers do not compute. Insurance is not logical.

Yeah--Herr D was just telling me about that. He says I was far too light on Obama's critics because if Obama had been allowed, he would have changed a lot more than he did. That things were horrible before, and that the new system just isn't UN-broken enough. . . . So, you don't have a good answer?

Data too obscured and incomplete for meaningful answer at this time. It does appear that the insurance industry needs more work.

Well, okay. I have to assume that if not now, that SOMEDAY people will pay lesser premiums for less expensive procedures. At some point, clergy will have to rely on their own people to take charge of their own souls and any souls that may exist and be dependents and fire their people if they discover hypocrisy.that they can't live with.

Take the following example: Suppose a church exists that believes that there is an angel out there whose sole purpose is to occasionally slip an 18-point card into a deck of cards. It might sound stupid to some of us, but belief IS more important than money to many people. This belief could affect their behavior at the blackjack table.

'Blackjack Believer' custom-made by Herr D on See what I mean?--Hairy       
So, if people are gonna gamble, they'll just need to take their beliefs into account, right?

Is gambling here a metaphor for sex?

It is. Personally, if I ran a church, I wouldn't look forward to discouraging people from sex. I like people around me to be in a good mood!

Herr D also assured me that it is perfectly legal and reasonably common for organizations to have employees sign a piece of paper saying that they won't act in certain ways if they want to keep their jobs. Let them print up some of those forms!

And on TOP of all this, Herr D said he saw a bunch of picketers this morning with signs that said 'If you want to keep your doctor, change your senator.' He had this to say:

I guess people have forgot. I couldn't keep my doctor BEFORE Obamacare. The insurance industry has been so screwed up for so long that my empoyers would switch plans sometimes YEARLY just to try to keep from paying too much money and to deal with employee complaints about how awful al of it was. I'm tired of people acting like it's worse now.

He is obviously tired. He's making typos and grammatical errors. I'm going for a nap too. [disconnect]

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Silt In The Lair, Sexy Costumes

Yowza. [All five eyes glued to screen, tentacles slowly netting plankton and debris manually into sortation device]


[voice from speaker directly under screen] Here.

Oh. I keep forgetting you can do that. How common is this Halloween thing?

Holiday or movies?

[choking sounds] The holiday. Why did you even let me watch those? You know violence depresses me--even if it IS, as you suggest, a metaphor for backward thinking.

You asked for metaphors on resurgence of chronic societal problems. Holiday is annual event.

Have we been to one of those things before?

Machine travelogue scavenged from ship wreckage indicates you have. No record of Shelob having been designed yet.

I'll have to look through my old photos and jog my memory. It looks like fun. This costume site has some pretty models dressed as lobster, jellyfish, octopi--I mean, wow! Yes. You asked for evidence of interspecies fetishism in population. Fetishism for mermaids much more common. You asked for reminder to blog.

Look at the claws on HER! You know, Shelob? I don't really understand why any species that spends so much time in close proximity to one another wouldn't feel grateful enough to just mate and dispense with most versions of variety. [one eye lolls around away from screen to see debris wafting in through crack in wall] Uchhh. It's getting in again.

That question?

What? [agitates net filters] People are so lucky. They aren't stuck trillions of miles and hundreds of years away from each other--so why all the trappings and specific rules and objections and other specifics about mating? [irritatedly clears silt from one eye] Shelob? Can you take care of this? I'll be in my bunk.

Noted. [mechanical eye turns on, watches Hairy climb into 'cocoon'] //pseudoJava //FakeLisp //blogentry subject: variety in mating record from timestamp 96981503 blogroutine NoPic


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

DIY Home Repair Of Pundit Disinformation, Edited By Shelob

[indeterminate banging] Shelob? Where's the thing that fits this thing?

[Mechanical arm activates, retrieves sunken 17.5 mm wrench equivalent from debris at bottom of silt mound, returns it to longer red tentacle]

Thanks. [several seconds pass] Shelob? I don't understand what [name redacted] was saying on newsfeed 27e47r34 from this morning. [sounds of plastic bolt turning against titanium bracket] It sounded good but didn't really make any sense at all. Can you double-check where he went to journalism school?

[sixteen seconds pass] Journalism studied in various classes at two colleges. Both in good standing, accredited. Grades acceptable. IQ scores acceptable.

Huh. [sound of plastic bolt snapping] #$%^&* Shelob! Another bolt, please. Where did we find these, anyway?

Municipal dump. Supply run for miscellaneous parts in August. [extends next plastic bolt to fluttering blue tentacle]

Thanks. What is this intended for anyway?

Held toilet seats onto toilets.

We did clean these, right?


Okay. So that newsfeed WAS of a journalist with proper credentials. [resumes background sound of wrench turning plastic bolt against titanium bracket] Is there some reason I don't know of that what he was saying was chock-full of logical errors and disinformation? I mean--he was worse than most of the ones I've heard recently.

Perhaps his title.

His what?

He qualifies as journalist but is working as pundit.

[all four eyes not watching wrench dilate] What's a pundit? [bolt snaps] @#%^&! [fifth eye dilates, three eyes constrict, wrinkling translatable as frown]

Quick web search found following:

 person who offers to mass media their opinion or commentary on a particular subject area (most typically political analysis, the social sciences, technology or sport) on which they are knowledgeable (or can at least appear to be knowledgeable), or considered a in said area. The term has been increasingly applied to popular media personalities. In certain cases, it may be used in a derogatory manner as well, as the political equivalent of ideologue

EDIT: By Herr D's explanation, this information is to be credited to public use site found by and essentially identical information found by

[large silt disturbance, 'frown' deepens, all eleven tentacles thrash for two seconds] Are you SERIOUS?! He's allowed to be known by his journalism creds when he's doing OPINION pieces? When no genuine news show or news mag or news 'zine or news site or newsPAPER will publish him outside of his OWN SHOW?

Apparently. No FCC, or any other organization has pending legal action against him at this time.

Wait. You already know this?

Requests made include finding civil or criminal matters regarding slander, libel, fraud, etc.

Huh. . . . give me another bolt, please. [watches Shelob controlling arm for a moment] Thanks. You know, it would be awfully easy to accept such complete nonsense if it sounds that good by a purported expert. For anyone!

You don't need creds or even common sense to be a successful pundit, right?

No. Success is judged by ratings. Like success at being a blogger.

Right. [sound of wrench resumes] --Hey! Our views are increasing!

From analysis, perhaps too much intelligence and not enough scare tactics for blog success.

Uchhh. [wrench sound stops] That'll have to do. If I could come up with some great picture or metaphor for this, it would make a great blog entry all by itself.


For, well, you know--this. [circular tentacle waving] This nonsense about how a person can appear to be well-informed when all they are is opinionated. How they can sound and look like their views are based on solid fact, [thumps wrench on rock twice] but it takes a keen mind to see that their whole world-view is messed up. [takes filter and manually clears a bit of silt from the water]

[thrashes wrench equivalent around in frustration] You know--uchhh--like their opinions aren't so solid. Like maybe they're too fragile?

Like a plastic bolt used to hold together a titanium and tungsten-carbide silt and plankton filter for the purposes of nutrition and water clarity. When its intended purpose was to help prettify the disposal of excrement.

Yeah, something like th-- [sudden stillness]

Hey, not bad. A pundit is someone who seems to feed the news and clear the issues up when he's really just spewing a load of s---. I like it.

Shelob! Put this conversation through. Let me know if I need to edit it for the blog.

Noted. [disconnect]