Friday, November 28, 2014

Warm, Wet, Wonderful, Well-Wishes With Wit

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I've looked around. Those celebrating are doing a good thing. Those taking a rest were being sensible. Those gearing up to shop might be a bit gung-ho for me to understand, but, hey--I'm not supposed to get everyone. Mob those stores . . . yeh.

Gratitude is a very healthy thing. Being aware of the good in your life is a great way to stave off bitterness, depression, and anemone stings. Gotta watch out for those.

Shelob? Put me back in that matriarch's mind right after she says grace. I wanna feel that again! [disconnect]

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

HOLLERDAY SALE; Premature Mindsets--Free! All Must Go

[snaps awake] Hey, Shelob! What are all these feeds of people hurrying? The timestamps don't line up with rush hour? Has there been a nucleonic storm?

These are footage of people leaving for holiday and going to shop at sales.

It's a shopping holiday?

Debatable. [seven-second neuralink burst]

[twitching] Augh! Warn me before you do that!


[eyes start darting in different directions] Wow. Time with the family versus time shopping FOR the family. This is something to argue about? There are cultures where giving objects is the only acceptable way to express familial affection. Spending much time with them being borderline criminal. There are cultures where giving objects to family is forbidden, and NOT spending time with them is borderline criminal.

Family and business are two such differing types of organizations that there will never be a peace between them. Either of them would take all your time if you let them, and neither of them will be perfectly understanding about the needs of the other. It's an outlook problem.

You know those people all over the news declaring that Ferguson's Michael Brown's death was something the police officer should be indicted for? Remember all those people declaring the officer had to shoot Brown? They're on opposite sides of an outlook issue.

Fact is, none of those people had access to all the facts before they made up their minds. None of them had access to the investigation, the files, the original evidence, the witnesses . . .

Yet they had an uninformed opinion. Everyone would rather believe they know what happened, but the fact is most of life IS UNKNOWNS. Very little of life is known. Humankind hasn't explored the oceans yet. You Humankind hasn't gotten further than the moon and only recently touched a comet with a 'droid. Doctors still practice medicine. Psychology is still psychology, not psychonomy. The average person isn't smart enough to build a computer or a microwave or live in the wild for a week or sail across the Atlantic solo--VERY LITTLE DO MOST PEOPLE SEEM TO KNOW.

Speaking for myself? I really HOPE that the officer is guilty of something, even if he acted correctly, because he's getting punished without an indictment. He may have to move. He may have to move friends and family. He might never make lieutenant--might need to pick another career. It wouldn't be all that unusual for his life to be ruined unjustly. That happens all the time. This world is a very unfair place.

What do you think is the most unfair thing you've heard of happening?

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Leading By Example: Attempt #1

[hideous slurping noise, loud, long belch] Okay. So, Shelob? How did the president get a time differential machine?

Evidence suggests that he did not.

Then why did he make that speech after the Ferguson verdict was returned instead of before? That's the kind of mistake I make now, having been subject to time differentials.

Does resemble your errors. [1.18 seconds pass] Alternate explanations exist.

[Three eyes open wider] Okay?

Alternate explanation 1: He forgot.
Alternate explanation 2: He was late.
Alternate explanation 3: He was misinformed as to events, scheduling, etc.
Alternate explanation 4: He was naive enough to think there would be no problems at all, that people would consistently react in the proper manner.
Alternate explanation 5: He was hopeful enough to think there would be no problems at all, that people would consistently react in the proper manner. Then he saw footage and made the speech.

Yeah, okay, I got it. [sigh] Looks like we have another edition--


Hello, everyone! This is Hairy, your anchor-dodging anchorthing, reporting. Obama released a speech after the verdict was returned from the Michael Brown Grand Jury in Ferguson. Why after? My -- uh, research consultant, Shelob, has a few answers. (Take it, Shelob!)

Alternate explanation 1: He forgot.
Alternate explanation 2: He was late.
Alternate explanation 3: He was misinformed as to events, scheduling, etc.
Alternate explanation 4: He was naive enough to think there would be no problems at all, that people would consistently react in the proper manner.
Alternate explanation 5: He was hopeful enough to think there would be no problems at all, that people would consistently react in the proper manner. Then he saw footage and made the spe--

Thank you, Shelob. And now the weather. [turns on voice scrambler, twists dial to pre-programmed setting marked 'bimbo' ]

It's no longer as cold today, back to YOU, Hairy!

[rapidly twists dial back] There. Now THAT'S how you report news. Just the facts, no repetition during broadcasting, explicitly say what is speculation and what isn't. AND DON'T TAKE SO FREAKIN' LONG OR REPORT IT WHEN IT'S MORE LIKELY TO CAUSE A RIOT THAN HELP PEOPLE MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS.

Personally, I hope Obama was late because of a combination of explanations 2-5, but hey--that's me being naive and hopeful too. I'm not going to go find out. [disconnect]

Monday, November 24, 2014

Same Bad Time, Same Bad Channel-Surfing

[with one eye on a pressure gauge, one on a temperature gauge, one on a small device held between two tentacles, Hairy twists slightly and eyes the large screen with two remaining eyes]

Shelob? Did you double-check these numbers?

Yes. Verified through multiple servers. Caution was required as multiple operatives are trolling, looking for our presence.

Operatives?! [Hairy returns device to bracket] Who? NSA again? Homeland?

One freelancer who works occasionally for the NSA. One foreign operative. Seven purely illegal hackers.

I thought our numbers were up. Haven't had this many views in a while now. Or did we happen on something with popular content?

Pretend news is apparently popular.

Oh--well, in THAT case . . .


I've noticed, by sending Shelob along various server connections, fiber-optic networks, and having him monitor radio modem broadcasts and 'zines, that many people are unhappy with the choices they can afford on various media. Satellite radio, television channel packages, websites for showing reruns or renting shows, sometimes in their entirety, are not exempt. An acquaintance of mine complained several months ago that he didn't like spending twice as much to get one channel he wanted when he didn't even want most of the channels he had. He considered them no better than 'dead air.'

Does that count as fake news?

Perhaps. Style not match error. Declaring Herr D by name would have been more effective. Also unwise to name Shelob unless terming Shelob 'field correspondent' or 'research assistant.' Also, new does not seem popular without more emotive words.

[double take] News.

It was one new item. Is plural form irregular?

Yeah. News is like, well, hair. When you're talking about just, say, one to six of them, you say 'news,' or 'hairs.' When you mean a headful, you say hair. When you mean general and uncountable, you say, "What's new, buddy?"

Have you finished that emotional valence program I started?

No. Too many variables. They outnumber your hairs.

. . . HEY! [disconnect]

Friday, November 21, 2014

This Is A Special Fake News Bulletin--Please Stand By

I'm going to try an experiment today. I'm going to stick to the topic of crisis management but portray it as: (hold your breath, imagine a drumroll--)


So here is my commentator, Herr D, reporting what he saw on television last night. We start in the middle so it might sound like you missed something important.

So, we'll call her 'Smelly.' She misquoted / quoted out of context President Obama four times that I caught with a casual listen. She couldn't even quote a movie correctly. I see why she shouldn't be a news anchor, but why would anyone think she'd make a decent pundit?

She's attractive and all, but blondness won over brains with her. If you figure out who I mean, mute her from now on. If you can't hear her, her more appropriate nickname is 'Lovely.'

She tried to pick apart a guest made most famous for suffering facial damage. (Talk about sticking your nose in!) There's a guy who'll say what people don't like to hear. Her guest, who I'll refer to as 'Harold,' claimed he knew exactly why Obama did things, and that he didn't care just so they were done.

Harold, I don't read minds, but I know that trying to think you can when you can't makes you at least partly wrong. Don't claim you understand to the core the motives of a politician. Regular people who aren't well-paid to project a certain image are misread by the most insightful people in the world.

In the same broadcast, a congressman promised that he and his would 'defund' certain of Obama's efforts. So who's getting laid off, demoted, transferred? Clearly you don't care about the government employees any more than you cared about this issue before right now.

Why would anyone claim Obama "can't do that?" If congress had gone and done enough, Obama's resolve would never have strengthened on that issue. If he's "playing politics," then that makes you a sore loser. Really though, neither the president nor congress is "playing politics." That's their job. That's what we pay them to do. They're professionals.

[burbling laughter] Herr D, I didn't know you had it in you. [sudden startle] Good point about professional liars lawyers politicians. Where the average mind is--

[five pupils dilate] um . . . PROBABLY layered like a good haircut, a successful politician's mind is about as--um, LIKELY to be as straightforward and easy-to-untangle as a hairball straight from the mouth of a housecat.

I'm thinking here that news media portray this as outrageous. What's that expression? Meh?


Thank you, Shelob. This is not a crisis. This really isn't such a big deal. Either the squabble will needlessly continue, or everyone involved will get their way. Either the right balance will be achieved, or the infighting and sabotage of others' work will prevent any true progress or anything else from occurring.

I don't think I need to explicitly say what's more likely. Who disagrees with anything any of us have said?

Well, that's the fake news from me. At least I was honest about it. Till next time. [disconnect]

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Solution Set Seemingly So Simple, Select Soothsayers Sensibly

[rhythmic indeterminate clanging noises] Hey, Shelob? Why is the oxygen level in the water lower than normal?

Pollutants have collected in this sector as colder tides swirl around it.

Moderate stagnation? Yeesh. Drop our temperature to match. Aren't we supposed to do that anyway?

Thermal output of equipment less than a similar volume of squid or octopi.

You mean, as if I had a mate.

A brother.

Right, 'cause I'd be FOGGIN' UP THE PLACE.

You have declared this before. Swirling caused by shape of silt on bottom.

How much of that did we cause?

None. Area picked for present capacity.

Oh. So we'll improve things by interfering? Put together that new fan and disrupt the swirl. Gimme some wildlife to swim around. I should have pets.

[two-eye bulge, remembering something] HEY! I've got a blog topic for today!

"We CAN We WILL We MUST" by Herr D,
made on Neat! --Hairy

 I like this theme of dealing with crises. How many people can see through crises to the solution? How do you identify those people? Are they the same people who know how to PREVENT crises and why or why not?

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Things That Make You Go Wha--OUCH--Thunk

[stretch, yawn] So, how did they clean up the damage so fast, Shelob?

That was not a newsfeed. That was "Godzilla" with Matthew Broderick, copyright--

Oh. Disaster movie? I thought the radiation thing was a bit over the top. [ten minutes pass]

Here. Herr D did a good job of copying  I --uh-- he did well at transferral of media. Yeah, that's it.

"City Stomper" by Herr D on
Of course, any atmosphere that could support such a massive being wouldn't have aircraft that looked like THAT, but hey--I think he did very well, even the way he hid the second eyestalk looks pretty good.

So. if a ridiculously unpredictable disaster hit your hometown, how many people do you think would die because they were still saying "Wha--?" after they saw the broadcast?

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

It's A Cold Shot

[hideous slurping sounds, massive belch] Hey, Shelob! Why has the street been so empty today? I just got this periscope working, and there's nothing to look at!

Weather turned cold. People are warm-blooded. There is an adjustment period for cold weather behaviors and acclimatization.

Awh, man!

Observe recorded behavior of homeless man 2 hours, 42.5 minutes ago. [neuralink burst]

Oh, yeah. Huddling in doorway alcoves, stuffing newspaper in between clothing layers--looks terribly uncomfortable.

You expressed a wish to help him.

Yes. That wind looks REALLY dry. I mean cold. Obviously it wasn't any fun. Did you do the refraction thing I mentioned?

Experiment a success. Ambient temperature in his alcove rose seven degrees with similar volume of air lowering seven degrees in adjacent alcove.

Okay. Wow, outside is boring. [boosts speed on neuralink for seven seconds] Yikes. Shelob? Did we beta-test this summation software?

Proven accurate.

HEY! This is illegal! Call the FCC!

You plan to contact authorities again? Last time we were nearly successfully traced.

All right. Well, have a look!

CNN and Fox News do disagree.

Thirty-seven instances this month of Fox News saying Obama isn't doing something contrasted with CNN pointing out that Obama IS doing that same something or already has and just didn't warn everyone he was still doing his job.

And both stations claim they're presenting fact. [disgusted rapid gill uptake, similar to snort--disconnect]

Friday, November 14, 2014

A Better Way To Watch TV

I've been worried about Herr D. It turns out he's had "a rough season." He has joint pain in all of his joints, and it's apparently worse in the fall than most times of the year.

He's been getting done with what he can, though. He envisioned this entire t.v. station called YYIM. Pronounced "Two wise, I am."  They've been looking for a pundit with this supernatural door. It will let any pundit in to work if they were always wise enough and correct enough to be as insulting or critical as they were to others publicly. The CEO of YYIM might not have anyone to anchor.

"YYIM Door" by Herr D, with
I thought I'd like to see the failures more--I don't
know, explicitly, but a good picture. Herr D said
that he only had to alter one of the figures.--Hairy
At least no pundits. They'll be better to watch. I want that channel!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Occasional Misunderstanding

[humming quietly to self] Hey, Shelob?


I'm really glad people shaped up over the last couple of days.

How so?

The science guys made another milestone. Comet analysis is an important step for a spacefaring race, after all. Then there's the little girl, Megan? I think her name was Megan. She took the high ground with a protest--nothing more disruptive than making better choices. Bring your own day. Good work, kid! Then there was the waitress who brought me a free dessert.

Your foray was successful.

Yes! ['victory dance' with six tentacles]

What happened?

I happened by one of those cafe-type places. I saw a waitress. She looked really glum until I bowed to her. Then she brightened right up.

Why bow?

She asked me the same thing, and I just pointed out the sign she'd missed. It said, "Honor those who serve!" She laughed at the sign and brought me a free donut.

That sign was about Veteran's Day.

[twisting motion around gills] What? Ohhh. Well, at least the talking heads didn't say anything as stupid as they normally do.

I recorded a different channel. 


That was a 'square dance.'

Well . . . no one was stupidly criticizing the leader, though no one seemed to finish without making a mistake.

He's called a 'caller,' and it's considered part of the fun. You requested a cultural input.

I meant plankton BACTERIA culture! [groan] It's close enough to yogurt I could maybe make some for a neighbor. [starts rattling bins, disconnect]

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Predictably, Panda Pundit Positively Preposterous

[violently shaking tentacles, rapid gill movements]

Hairy? Do you need medbot?

[shaking continues, gill movements regularize] N-no, Shelob!

You appear to be in distress.

[shaking becomes worse] I'm LAUGHING, Shelob!

Noted. Neuralink content?

[shaking subsides] Ahhh. Herr D sent me this picture I requested. He made a panda into a pundit. He calls it a 'pandit.'

"Pandit" by Herr D, made on
The color scheme of imaginary animal is in negative.

That's what's so FUNNY. Pundits get EVERYTHING BACKWARDS.

[disconnects neuralink] Apologies to viewers. Prediction software expected suitable blog entry. [disconnect blog function]

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Not A Bad Judge, Just Thousands Of Apathetic Ones



[Looks around wildly at speaker] Uh--check the dates on this legislation, okay? And related?

[sixteen seconds pass] Far too much for summation without programmed context.

How long has it been going on? Two minutes? Two years?

[sixteen seconds pass] Longer than twenty years. Keep searching?

[tentacles sag] Oh. No. No, I'm good. [two pupils constrict to normal]

You were afraid. Why?

Oh, it's probably nothing. I was trying to delve into the laws concerning insurance and the medical field in general. Crazy stuff, dude.

It's legal to advertise one insurance package and even to promise it and then switch it later without warning. It's been legal to do that for twenty years?


That's called 'bait and switch,' and it's illegal to do that in any other industry under the Fair Billing Practices laws and related laws.

It's also legal to deliberately make it difficult to research how much medical bills are going to be. To set people up to be tricked. To deliberately confuse people about who is billing them for what and why. That's also covered under Fair Billing.

[sixteen seconds pass] You are correct. Precedent used most often is 'usual and customary.'


Why did this evoke fear?

Didn't you read 'Courage To Heal?' Didn't you watch those 'Miami Vice' reruns you selected for me to watch?

Yes. To both.

Well, it's 'usual and customary' for an abusive parent or spouse to do horrible things. It's usual and customary for drug dealers to do horrible things. If 'usual and customary' is an acceptable defense, then the streets aren't safe, children aren't safe in their houses with their parents . . .

Extrapolation. Understood. [sixteen seconds pass] You may relax. This is an incorrect fear.

Well, it MUST be. It's been going on for too long.

'Usual and customary,' as a legal precedent, only applies to legal 'allowances' that courts have allowed to continue knowingly without protest for extended periods of time.

So--it's not that they bribed a judge, it's that no judge protested for so long that none of them is going to do anything?

Correct. . . . Hairy?

[sudden stillness] Let me guess. 'Acceptable blog entry.'


[violent gill expulsion] Well, if we're talking about something worse than all the counterproductive complaints about Obamacare and whatever else the useless loonies on t.v. are talking about, then you're right. Let me know if it needs editing. [disconnect]

Friday, November 7, 2014

Failed Medical Drama

[loud, long belch] Hey, Shelob, are you back?

Fully returned. All subroutines report success.

[tosses plankton basin aside] Okay, report then.

Statistics completely inconsistent. Findings still relevant with unanimous agreement within established medical community.

What are you saying? You have findings without numbers? I don't remember programming that.

Internal logic algorithms support factual searches with non-numeric results.

Oh! Like a cross-check on a web search--go on, then.

1. Doctors, along with other, lower-paid medical personnel, express dissatisfaction with pay, citing their student loans as the problem.
2. Consumers report medical bills too high, despite insurance.
3. Insurance cost unpredictable by any logical scale. Pre- and post-Obamacare data suggest no logical pattern.
4. Medical test purveyors, pharmaceutical companies, medical equipment companies, medical equipment maintenance companies, and medical educators all report difficulty paying overhead, making payroll, turning profits.

Y--yeah . . .  does that sound wrong, or what? Any ready explanation?

None found.

Wow. Use the metaphor subroutine we've been working on. [picks up dirty plankton basins, puts them in automated scrubber]

[sixteen seconds pass] Directional subject input?

Example? Well, these are the medical fields. Diagnose the current system as a patient.

[rapid neuralink burst, Hairy spasms, begins narration in odd, hollow voice]

"Doctor, Patient X' blood pressure dropping again!"
The doctor sags visibly against wall. "Thank you nurse." He picks up the phone. "Yes, Dr. Genius? I need a consult. Patient X has lost fifty pints of blood. No, I'm not joking. We keep pouring more in, and it keeps disappearing.

No. No obvious injury. No blood collecting inside the skin or seeping out. I don't understand where it could possibly be going. The bed should be overflowing with blood. No parasites found on the cat scan, no broken bones, despite patient's near comatose state.

I don't believe in vampires sir; come and have a look!"

[Hairy spasms again, resumes previous demeanor]

Yuck. Blood as money. [writhes uncomfortably] Remind me not to do that again. We'll arrange some other output--leaves me feeling dizzy and with a bad taste in my mouth.

Well, that experiment was pretty much a failure. Obviously the medical industries, especially the insurance industry needs to try for more transparency. Does anyone out there have any suggestions for forcing the medical industry to be subject to all the same laws as other industries?


Thursday, November 6, 2014

Conundrum And Conflict Continuing

[dull, steady clunking noise] Shelob?


Remember that rant I went on yesterday about that jerk I saw?

Fully recorded. Do you wish instant replay?

[clunking noise ceases] Um. No. Thank you. It just made me think. These saline-uptake batteries, have we checked them for toxic output? This [redacted--specific body-of-water reference] doesn't need to get any MORE polluted. [biggest blue eye dilates] I'm not the only one who would suffer.

Per your last instruction: seek to leave no molecular trace. The saline-uptake process and reverse wave machine generators produce surplus power. The unavoidable electrolysis and other processes produce ozone, which we inject directly to the ozone layer by time differential and orbital wobble. The peroxide has filled the appropriate medkit basins, the hydrogen used for heat and your 503 inch curved plasma screen for porn.

Naturalism. [defensive coloration] I'm studying mating habits of a certain species.

The sulfur and other troublesome ingredients have been separated into bins.

How much have we got?

[translates to 841 grams, including pollutants from that industrial plant you turned in to the EPA.]

What happened to them?

They paid their fine, performed the arbitrary cleanup as instructed by the courts, changed their dump site, and continued as usual.

[choking noise] They're at it AGAIN?

The fines represent one third of their monthly revenue. Not profitable to cease.

[more choking] I'm gonna go make a phone call. [opens locker, starts putting on E.D.G.A.R. suit]
I don't get it. Everyone knows that without plankton, the world DIES. This company? It's like they're stupid or something.

Shelob insert: On being told by a mugger, "your money or your life," the victim smiled and said, "you should take my life because I need my money for my old age."

The conundrum continues. [disconnect]

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Crass Crank, Crumpled Credibility

[indeterminate banging]

Efficiency rating for current actions remarkably low.

What?! [three eyes divert to speaker] What are you saying, Shelob?

Uncertain of current purpose. Reconfiguring.

[large volume of bubbles burst out of gills on all sides] Stop. No need, Shelob. That was--an emotional outburst. The goal was beyond your programming. [shelves a bent wrench equivalent]

Subject of outburst?

I was very upset about something I saw at the polls yesterday, and I told Herr D about--

What did you see?

[more bubbles, agitation and twirling of two red tentacles] At the poll at [location redacted] I saw this guy. He was walking up to those tables where they give out sample ballots for each big party. One sheet of paper from each table to each voter who wants one.

The volunteers at the tables automatically smiled and offered him one of each. The competing sides showed no animosity and weren't aggressive at all--they weren't even rude to each other. THEY, at least, were well behaved. But that guy! He accepted them, strode over to a public trashcan, loudly announced that he "wouldn't be a part of business as usual or corrupt, big party politics" that he only voted for Libertarian or Green Party candidates. And then he crumpled up and threw away the sample ballots.

Then I told Herr D about that this morning, and he said he'd "seen that same approximate thing happen two or three times" [?!] I guess I just got madder than I thought.

Why is this 'thing' angering?

[rapid blinking of four eyes, bugging out of fifth, three tentacles do a 'facepalm']

Please explain.

[choking noise, scraping of suckers on nearby equipment] He threw away the sample ballots.

Not recycling. Emotional index says this is not worthy of outburst.

[frustrated gesturing of seven tentacles]  He votes for the Green Party?

And the Libertarians.


Inconsistent behavior with declaration.

It's called hypocrisy. The guy sounded stupid, crazy, or high. No WONDER so many issues aren't dealt with properly! People like that guy manage to make everyone in the political minorities sound bad. It's AWFUL. The more intelligent, therefore the ones everyone should listen to the most, are usually in a very small minority in any sentient species. That's just the law of averages--kiddie math.

Minorities of every kind need to be taken seriously because occasionally they make more valuable contributions to society than the majority in one way or another. Minorities DON'T need to look bad. Too many average hum- people know others by 'the company they keep.'

This is logical blog entry.

[sudden and absolute stillness for three seconds, rapid blinking] . . . fine. Were you recording this?


Let me know if it needs editing. [seizes container of plankton, swallows in one long chug, exits to 'bunk'] Thanks, Shelob.

[sixteen seconds pass] Unable to determine clarity level. If unclear, please comment. [disconnect]

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Voting Day, Not Back To The Brush

[awful waterlogged kazoo replica sound] I'm BACK! That 150th episode of the blog on Halloween was a major milestone, in that I got back some memory. Rod always said I should record parties, but I never did.

Protocol reminder.

Rod --uh, Smith! [awful waterlogged kazoo replica sound] Rod Smith.

Anyhow, it's time to celebrate VOTING. [awful waterlogged kazoo replica sound, undulation of red and blue tentacles and white plastic streamers]

You cannot.

True. True! Us illegal aliens CANNOT vote. We do NOT have that right, and therefore I am celebrating the AMERICAN right to vote. [awful waterlogged kazoo replica sound]

Safe to announce this information?

Of course it is!

Herr D's best recreation of the Hairbrush Nebula
--home sweet home. --Hairy Deewon      (hm3)     

Let 'em TRY to deport me! Contacting my appropriate authority would take them over [eyes glaze over] -- way too long.

Longer than any of your deportable cells still in stasis, based on their current level of technology.

[snaps back to present] Yeah.

Current information suggests dissection more probable.

[shuddering of blue and yellow tentacles] Eeewww. Yeah, like I need to donate my body to science fiction and conspiracy theory-laden tabloids.

I'm gonna go watch the polls and pray that American government and free elections aren't the best inventions you guys come up with. So far, it's tops.

What do any of my readers think are the top three inventions of the world?