Wednesday, December 31, 2014


[violent splashing] Shelob? What are those colored lights?

Fireworks. New Year's celebration.

Oh. Wait. Give the figures on that--is that accurate? [sixteen second neuralink burst]

. . . Okay . . . Your modern calendar is surprisingly accurate, considering how few adjustments have been made and how early it was designed.


What?! Oh, yes. Our calendar. So yes, this planet is within a few radian of precisely where it should be if the solar system stayed where it were in the galactic rotation and galactic drift and universal expansion and solar system wobble and lunar imbalance and inertial change due to . . . well . . .

It's a good calendar design, Worthy of some customs. Shelob?

New Year's resolutions.

You don't mean revolutions?

No. [sixteen second neuralink burst]

Ohhhhh. Gotta go work on my list, people. Happy New Year! [disconnect]

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Bale Of "HEY NOW!"

[chaotic electronic noises, rhythmic thudding] Shelob?!


Did I pass the emotion evaluator sampling test we designed?

No. Score improved nearly 20% since installation, but no passing score yet.

Frankenfish. Alright, turn on the blog function.


I thought I might lay off the pundits for a while, but Shelob brought me one that was just, well, GONE. Any of you might find him if you care to--we'll call him 'Joe.' He was discussing Christian Bale's recent comments about Moses. Bale said Moses would have been called a terrorist today.

1. Joe made it sound like to me that he thought the Hebrews being enslaved was equivalent to the Palestinian situation today. Maybe I misunderstood. I HOPE I misunderstood. It is my understanding that the Palestinians have the right to leave where they are and move to other countries.

2. Joe made it sound like he didn't really agree with American standards of what constitutes a 'good' or a 'bad' terrorist. I don't really care whether he agrees, but the idea that ethical degrees come into which ends might justify means, is, unfortunately, perfectly mainstream and, in practice, no one have I ever met agrees with him that I can believe is sane.

3. Joe tried to make it sound like a priest, questioned by another talking head, approved of the use of drones to kill people with. The priest did NOT say that. He pointed out that there were flaws in comparing two very different situations.

4. Joe tried to make himself sound like a brilliant, insightful, and correct source of news.

Okay. Then I should, for clarity's sake, point out a few things:

1. Moses was a messenger more than anything else. He begged not to be a part of it. Exodus is actually somewhat funny at that point, explicitly spelling out how many excuses Moses justified his cowardice with. Moses was protected when he followed instructions and punished when he didn't. If there's a terrorist here, Moses was his lackey.
2. Moses didn't have the power to cause the plagues. He did what he was told with a STICK. He delivered messages. Again, lackey--maybe demoted to go-phone and holster. (BTW, Joe? Look up what the plagues were before publicly making a fool of yourself?)

3. Connotations aside, a terrorist is someone who uses terror tactics as a means to an end. You know those Buddhists who lit themselves on fire and burned up to make their point? I found them terrifying. I would consider them VERY good terrorists.
4. Bale played a version of Batman that worked very hard not to kill his enemies or even LET them die. But he deliberately did use terror against violent felons. So, by definition, he was a terrorist. I'd call him a GOOD terrorist, but hey, that's my particular ethical level.
5. Some of American special ops military people have had opportunities to tracelessly abduct ranking enemy officers right out of their strongholds behind enemy lines. Tell me they didn't incite some terror. What made that okay was that the military didn't hurt them. The military handed some of them over to Gitmo and maybe the CIA tortured some of them and lied about it to the military and everyone else. (Not the military's fault.)

6. BALE WAS RIGHT. People like Joe are common. Moses WOULD have been called a terrorist today. Somebody would have sent a drone after him. It would've gone something like this.

 "37 and the Lord saw the drone from afar, before it was even sent, and told Moses to throw down his staff. 38 And verily did Moses throw down the staff, and the drone turned into forty-nine times forty-nine thousand metal signs that said 'ISIL is a bunch of stupid losers that will be cast into the lake of fire if they do not change their ways!' 39 Moses, being sore afraid, prayed to be left out of THIS mess, TOO. The answer to his prayer was, verily, NO."


Friday, December 26, 2014


[irritated gill flutter] Okay--SOMEone thought they'd be bright and hack Herr D's home computer again. And an account. I've eliminated the hostile cookies, closed off the doors, and undone the initial damage, but I think next time I should just forward your information, including your REAL information, to the feds along with a reasonable trail. He IS a good artist and all, but I'm not actually responsible for what you do to him. If I owe anyone anything, it's to help the community not have people making things worse.

This is why I didn't want Herr D pretending that I'm based on his computer equipment--I plan on being sensible and sharp-'tongued' enough that the bad guys might tend to target whoever might associate with me. Google might not advertise me out of some empty, well-meaning policy, but I don't intend to falsify or borrow a physical address.

Grow brains enough to do something worthwhile or stick to pure bottom-feeding.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Tolerance By Self-Interruption

[whirring noise in background] Shelob!


I need some more research done.


Various holiday taboos. I'm gonna blog on those. In a time when ISIL and racial injustice protests are a big deal, holidays about peace are the subject we should all focus on a bit more.

A good principle. Focus?

You need to make sure I don't offend anyone with content. Turn on the blog function.


Okay. First off, everyone should explicitly be reminded that lots of different holidays exist and should be celebrated.

Correct. Searching for other taboos. Found.

Go ahead?

Many of the religious groups who celebrate these holidays agree that they have religious meaning and religious significance and follow religious rules.


9% of references explored so far have declarative statements saying that valuing the religious significance requires limiting occupational activity.

Uh. Well I don't have an occupation, so I don't need to limit any activity.

You do. Blogging is your only publicly known activity; therefore--[disconnect]

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Kim Jong-un Should Watch Movies, Learn From Queen Of England

[raucous laughter] Wha-hahhh!

Seizure check. [buzzing noise]

Ow! Watch that thing! That hurts!

Medbot says you have sympt--

I don't care! You can't read symptoms! That was LAUGHTER, you infinite loop!

Subject of amusement?

This moron from Korea! He struck out without knowing ANYTHING. He's in danger of repeating history.

You are referring to history of American politics and American cinema?

Yes! Shelob--run me  a quick list of leaders featured in American film as meeting unfavorable ends.

USSR--multiple leaders of various ranks.  "Rambo: First Blood II," "Hunt For Red October," various Bond films.

Stick to national level.

England--Queen and royal family. "King Ralph," "Johnny English"
Iraq--Saddam Hussein. "Hot Shots: Par Deux"
North Korea--Kim Jong-un. "The Interview"

STOP! That's enough. Now a chronology and categorization of relations with context of those films.

USSR categorized as "sniping." Various complaints, showing indignation through the 1970's till 1991 at dissolution. Rambo II and HFRO were 1985 and 1990, respectively.
England categorized as "dignified ignoring" till current times. KR and JE were 1991 and 2003, respectively.
Hussein categorized as "continually hostile, sometimes quietly" till death in 2006. HSPD was 1993.
Kim Jong-un's regime categorized as "retribution, cyberterrorism." "Interview" not even scheduled yet.


Yeah. Sorry. [refocuses one blue eye] I streamed some of that while I was waiting. Run pattern recognition on that list and tell me what you see.

[sixteen seconds pass] Interesting results. 
1. England is unchanged despite being shown in film as leadership dying due to security incompetence, dethroned due to lack of resolve.
2. USSR dissolved after years of complaining about film depiction.
3. Hussein captured and executed after years of threats and hiding in a hole. No recorded comments on the satire.
4. Kim Jong-un's regime faced retribution for acts of retribution through cyberterrorism. Threats were made. Movie still not out.

Yep--so, conclusions?

In your style of speaking, Kim Jong-un should "turn up his nose, turn away, pretend the movie doesn't exist, then slowly start complaining, and go away and hide?"

Or maybe claim that he finds the clutzy stupid Americans believable? Make his own movie where an amazing action star is just a regular Korean citizen capable of wiping the floor with a hundred Americans with superior weaponry?

I mean, it's better than acting like a terrified pathetic blustering ignorant screwup, right?

Cyber attacks are not underway at this time.

Hey, maybe his crew is learning already? [disconnect]

Monday, December 22, 2014

We Freakings Of Alien Star Come To You With Plankton-Rich Farm

[bone-deep scraping noise, wet flapping noise] Shelob? I've got a good idea for Monday's blog topic.


[all five pupils dilate] Today's Monday?! Wow. Okay . . . So today's topic is Unusual Physical Exertion. Along with holiday disruption of biorhythms regarding sleeping and eating, holidays require different levels of physical exertion. Unfortunately, the level of physical exertion required for injury stays about the same.

Is that the frame for the new plankton sifter at the edge of the lair?

Um. Yes.

Is that the plankton draw machine inside the edge of the lair?


Is that alarm on medbot about the swelling in your smallest red tentacle?

[exasperated gill flutter] YES.

You have successfully demonstrated today's topic.

Really? Y-[disconnect]

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Goaled Frankliness and Mermaids

[steady gill-snoring interrupted as one green eye flutters open] Shshelob?

Here. Do you require medbot?

No-oo. [three tentacles flutter to eyes] Gotta blog--isss time. Turn it on.


Hello. This is Hairy. I hope you liked the fiction Shelob has been posting. I'm back. Just very tired. [a blue eye pops open, then another green] I've been meaning to send Shelob streaming back through to make it clearer [gill stretch--approximate equivalent to yawn] that it was fiction . . .

Shelob? What did I blog on Thursday?

You criticized content.

That's all? What did I have scheduled for today?


How did the magnetics wipe my portable? I thought we insulated for that.

You do not normally blog on Saturday or Sunday.

This isn't Friday?

Average blog time Friday was approximately 61 hours ago.

[remaining two eyes snap open, all five eyes bug out a bit, various sputtering noises] K-! W-! [something untranslatable] !@#$%^&*(!! You let me sleep for THREE DAYS!!

2.5 days, plus less than 1 hour.

[more sputtering] You KNEW I was supposed to blog on Friday. Why didn't you wake me?

Medbot said rest imperative. Allocated power for free viruscides.

[snort] Regular Norton would be useless to you, Shelob. You naturally fix stuff like that all the time.

True, but it demonstrated mandate's importance.

Yeah. Huh. Okay. If I go turn medbot back on and get checked out, will you post something about the importance of rest and accommodation of disrupted schedules on the holidays? And request people comment on how they deal with those disruptions?

Yes. [disconnect]

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Various Evac-Sickness-Induced Grumblings

[arrhythmic dull clunking noise, retching, odd and foglike blue lights] Shelob? What have you been posting? That telepathic stuff isn't supposed to go up! Why didn't you edit that out? What are you trying to do? Cause a panic? Y-

Uncertain context made for uneven removal. Style match error. People will assume it is fiction.

[sputtering through gills, continuing arrhythmic dull clunking noise] How can you be sure?

Seven quotation categories on web about this blog at this time.

[two pupils dilate] Oooh! What'd they say?

1. Ukrainian translator not working. Try again later.
2. Comment about comments not visible.
3. Random profanity and slang.
4. Complaint about Google: similar--Comment about comments not visible. Accusations.
5. Complaint about Google: similar--Comment about comments not visible. Random profanity and slang.
6. Rough translation: "Crazy American somewhat funny."
7. Rough translation: "Odd fiction--symbolism not understood. Theories?"

So . . . [five eyes blinking] --they think I'm American and are making accusations? Why aren't our comments visible?

 You are closer to America than any other nation or way of thinking. The accusations are against you and Google. Google will not openly advertise this blog without you claiming a verifiable address on land. They apparently keep comments from us as well, if any have been made. Cursory cache examination inconclusive. Various profanities about your previous activities mostly incorrect. References to your parentage mostly unverifiable, and the rest inaccurate. Your sanity unverifiable without current frame of reference to your far-flung species' mental paradigm. Common false conclusion about fiction and symbolism reassuring enough?

We--wh--well that's . . . oh, good grief! Never have a multi-thread conversation with an AI. Help me remember that.


So--NO. It's not enough. Post that I claimed the telepathic stuff was fiction and call it a day, Shelob! I'm probably going to pass out any second n-[loud, lingering gill-snore]

Done. [disconnect]

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

DGMEP#2: Hairy Thanks You In Advance For Your Assistance

[pinging noise]

Search mode has begun in high priority. Hairy may require assistance returning. Should you happen to see what will seem to be a Caucasian male with brown hair and brown eyes, acting oddly, whisper "differential geosynchronous magnetic escape plan number two." As always, when asked what you said, shake your head and claim you were remembering something someone said earlier. Should you be interrogated, you remember seeing a dark blue or black hooded zip-up jacket on what you think was a male but aren't sure. Avoid repeating this message in front of people with short hair, badges, bulges in front of coat, or people wearing anything over their ears.

Thank you for your assistance. [disconnect]

Monday, December 15, 2014

Autoblog Nearing End

Attention, everyone. Hairy has announced that he will return to the lair to continue blogging and take me offline for major maintenance. My programming requires occasional screening to prevent various logical errors from becoming repetitive and more integral, much like atypical experience can result in various biases outside of social norms.

An example collected by Hairy: A man went out drinking, had beer served in a glass, woke up with a hangover. He went out drinking, had whiskey in shot glasses, and woke up with a hangover. He drank wine from a glass bottle the next night and woke up with a hangover. A friend at a party loaned him a snifter full of faux beer and kept refilling it through the evening. The man woke up without a hangover, not realizing he had drank less than 1/70th of the alcohol he was used to.

The man started telling people that glass causes hangovers.

Would any of you care to share an experience that misled you?

Friday, December 12, 2014

Incident Uptown

Hairy submitted another e-mail. Here is reprint:

I've borrowed this phone from a lady who says she can't read her texts. She forgot her glasses. Memorizing her entire cache to repeat back to her when I 'find' the right message took three whole seconds. Busy gal.

Because she's been so gracious I now know more about her than the NSA does. ("Steve?" If you read this--marry her. I'm pretty sure from your online profile and what I could hack easily, that you're pretty lucky she'll say yes to you. Just no more roses. She's getting sick of those.)

Her facebook time and holiday shopping have fit several statistical norms that Shelob calculated for me before my trip. What amazes me is that she would try to snap a photo of the guy who tried to mug me. With a mug. I didn't know people actually used mugs for that. 

Well, technically it was a stein, I guess, or a tankard. It was pewter and would have hurt even through the suit. Still--I had to act fast. With him thinking whether he needed to try to hurt her too and her thinking she needed to run or e-mail the police or dig the stun gun with the dead battery out from the bottom of her purse  or "no, just swing the %^& purse; it weighs a ton" . . . well, with all that stray thought occupying their minds, it was easy enough to just swap their thought streams for a few seconds. 

It overloaded the guy's neurons, of course. Horribly lazy thinker, never has more than one idea clunking around in his cortex at a time. She felt boxed in. He was suddenly feeling a frightening lack of boundaries, like someone deathly afraid of heights suddenly flying straight up. Then they were both stunned, snapping back to the right place. I left "Dan" with the vague notion that he'd had a blackout from drinking too much from a dirty mug after smearing the inside of the mug with some fermented sludge from the inside of a trash can. He'll be nauseated by the smell of alcohol for a year or two. He might just stay out of jail that whole time. Drunk and disorderly, numerous counts, assault and attempted robbery? Five counts. Some people are too incompetent to be criminals, I guess. He should go back to learning haircuts. I hope he does.

"Rose," on the other hand, required a lot more work. I had to really focus to put her adrenaline levels back, to cause her to walk into a separate alley from "Dan," to give her brain a chance to fill the gap of eleven minutes of walking and deep breathing and give her no reason to think she just had her first cardiac event. She thinks she misread the time and fell behind looking at a wedding dress she'll never look good in. Even she realizes the color is wrong for her. Anyhow I came looking for her because she didn't seem to be recovering and accepting the false memory I gave her. (Must not have been paced right or scattered enough.) I told her "I," "Harry," was bored and could really enjoy just helping someone for a few minutes. Well, a few minutes is apparently about fifty. Looks like she'll be alright. 

Have you ever thought about how people pretend to be helping when they really have another agenda?

Hairy [identifier redacted]

Hairy assures he will return sometime next week. [disconnect]

Thursday, December 11, 2014

SneakMail: MIT Lying? People Sticking To Their M.O.s

Hairy has sent an e-mail from a hotel registration desk. Here is reprint:

Hey, Shelob--got a few minites to type . Borrowed a hotel uniform jacket and id and sending out a general "you don't want to know" feeling. Watched some peaceful protesters here in New York as a bonus. I was the guy carrying the sign that said "explain this to me." I was ignored, ridiculed, thanked, praised, and shoved a few times. There were also some contact greetings I didn't know. Somebody called me "little dude" with something approaching affection.

I've also watched some 'news' while in the area. So, Congress is obviously mad that they were tricked into voting for a potentially positive change that can be improved on, that no politician since the one that pushed through Medicaid has been able to accomplish. Who tricked them? That guy Dr. Gruber from MIT. They are obviously targeting him. They got him to say he was sory for saying "the stupidity of the American voter."

He'd better not be sorry for believing the average American voter is stupid compared to him. He works at MIT. HE'D BETTER BELEIVE IT. OTHERWISE HE THINKS PEOPLE HAVE BEEN LYING ABOUT MIT FOR A LOOOOOONG TIME.

Obama obviously felt he needed someone brilliant to help trick people into what's better for them. Like any parent who has to trick their child into that first bite of something or into medicine for their illness as candy. Like a guy who knew that if he didn't trick Congress, he wouldn't be able to fulfill his promises about healthcare reform.

Gee, I guess he's acting like a constitutional lawyer?

Nice job 'autoblogging,' overall, Shelob. I'll try to send you something else soon.

Hairy [identifier redacted]

[title subroutine fault: style not match error, disconnect]

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Brief Contact Made--Autoblogger Seeking Advice

Hairy has sent e-mail from internet cafe--apparently he is safe for the moment. Explanations are not available. E-mail content reprint as follows:

Shelob? Why would you tell people ads look better than wrapping paper? Don't you know it would only be the ads ABOUT the wrapping paper that would look better than the real thing? Good idea about the waste reduction in general; just, you know--don't get their hopes up about how good it should look. That's the sort of disappointment people have too much of anyway.
The owner of this computer is almost at the head of the coffee line--gotta go.

Hairy [identifier redacted]

His exact location of transmission has been identified. Local digital cameras hacked caught sixteen frames of him leaving the area. He IS remembering to bend the knees correctly.

How do you reward someone for an accomplishment without using material wealth? Please comment. [disconnect]

Monday, December 8, 2014

Autoblog Again--Hairy, Please Check Neuralink

[beeping] Hairy has not contacted Shelob as yet. Please, fans, continue FindHairy Protocol until further notice.

Autoblog topic today is waste. 

1. Marketing companies have been sending large numbers of e-mails and other communications to clients declaring that their ad designs are more attractive than various other things. 

2. Various retailers have reported purchasing large quantities of "wrapping paper," which is designed and manufactured to make gift boxes more attractive.

3. Analyses of waste management companies conclude that large amounts of wrapping paper are disposed of every year after Christmas and that larger amounts of ads are disposed of in December than many other months of the year.

Since the ads are more attractive than the wrapping paper, use the ads to wrap gifts. This will decrease the need of wrapping paper and therefore decrease the amount of waste per gift-giver.

Who would like to share a holiday trick? 


Friday, December 5, 2014

Bulletin For Hairy, Please--Check Your Neuralink

[various electronic noises dampened by underwater pulsing sound]

Bulletin for Hairy, please.

Medbot record indicates resalination tank close to expiration. Oxygen narcosis potential danger, along with explosive depressurization. Setting adjustments: half the pressure every 7. 15 minutes till approximate equalization. Carbonate water for full effect. Use displacement silicon tube only if experiencing tremors.

This is Shelob. If 'fans' wish to help, please, on seeing unfamiliar brown-eyed, brown-haired person, whisper "Check your neuralink, Hairy." If they ask you, "What?" or "What did you say?"  say "Nothing." If inquiry persists, say "I was trying to remember something someone said to me earlier." Avoid people who have shoulder holster bulges, very short haircuts, and a stern demeanor when performing this errand. Do not make these attempts in airports or inside federal security cordons. 

Hairy may have bartered for or earned train or bus tickets to any major city on the eastern seaboard of the United States. Please do not comment if you find him. Auto-blog to continue next arbitrary calendar period as scheduled. [disconnect]

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Art Appreciation In Hairy's Absence

[mechanical whirring interrupted by persistent beeping]

It is time to resume blog. Hairy has still not reported in. Scheduled topic: diversion. 

In situ causing stress, attempt to self-entertain in moderation. For example: Shelob has access to Herr D's recent artwork. Herr D composed text block earlier today. Presenting:

The Fairy Tale Conundrum by Herr D

Type 'A's are under the impression that the squeaky wheel JUST gets the grease. That's not true, but squeaky wheels are easily fooled. All a squeaky wheel sees is shiny metal feet, all it hears is a jolly voice and its own squeaking. If a squeaky wheel HAD a sense of smell, it would be just as overpowered by its own stench as everyone else is. 
The oil can is not being held by some jolly Tin Woodsman with brave, wise, and loyal friends, ready to make a wheel's paradise. Those shiny metal feet are just boots worn by a witch. The wheel isn't squeaky because it wasn't cared for properly; it's squeaky because it ground up some of the salt of the earth. The salt of the earth wasn't ground up because it was underfoot. It was ground up because the wheel aches. The wheel aches because of the axle. You know what the axle is, right? A thick metal shaft?
One witch or another gave the wheel the shaft quite some time ago. That's the reason the wheel aches. That's the underlying reason the wheel squeaks. Of course, the grease is all under the control of the witch. Any grain of salt revealing by reflection this illusion is ground up immediately. Why would a witch act in these ways? To build a cart. A cart for carrying baking supplies. Baking supplies to build a gingerbread house. A house to trap children. Children to be ground down into salt.
Why should the wheel care about the salt of the earth or the children it came from?
Not because the children are so special. There are lots of them. 
Not because the witch uses the wheel to grind up the salt.
The reason is that when the wheel has ground up enough salt, and the witch has lubed up the wheel to unknowingly take the shaft a while longer, and the witch has reached down with a shiny-gloved hand and shook a finger at the ground-up salt for allowing the wheel to think the squeaking wasn't delightful music as it was being ground up, the following happens: 

The wheel is yanked out, bent in half, ground into the salt under those shiny boots. The salt explains, as the wheel dies, what's been going on. Then the wheel, under the path, gets stepped on by more children that would rather have had those circles for teddy bear eyes, to hug and cuddle with, than to have them as wheels. That's the truest tragedy here. The children are giants, who would stomp the witches and flavor them with salt if they were allowed.

Uncertain of meaning. Please comment on your opinions. Thank you. [disconnect]

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Autoblog Continues--Hairy Please Report

[bass whistle for 3.8 seconds] Hairy? [static]

Hairy is incommunicado. If anyone has seen a man with no money looking confused, especially if he appears injured or has forgotten to walk with the knees bending correctly, please inform him that he needs to take better care and ask him if he needs something.

1. Analogically speaking, persistent cyclical precautionary programming is worry. If you have loved ones or charges traveling or engaging in risky behaviors this holiday season, properly treat yourself for stress and communicate this worry content as needed to the proper authority or sympathetic confidential person.

2. Do you have a worry content story from years past to tell that you believe is interesting? Particularly one with a happy ending is welcome.

3. Since programming, Shelob has not experienced absence of Hairy. Certain difficult adjustments must be made at this time to equipment. Thank you. [disconnect]

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Autoblog On During Hairy's Walkabout

Against medbot advice, Hairy is now out in E.D.G.A.R. suit walking among you. He is observing shopping behaviors, holiday behaviors, behaviors relating to family and lack of family.

Medbot advice was to avoid topic, as family presence is currently impossible. Certain stress levels have been noted.

Current blog instructions allow for topically linked following: 1. Provide constructive advice. 2. Question. 3. Provide sample answer.

1. If family is source of unusual stress, allow for more stress release than originally planned during holiday season.

2. What are some unusual ways you have dealt with stress, familial or otherwise, that you did not expect to work?

3. As Shelob immune to stress, and best calculable equivalent being power surges due to local server overload, seek to ensure power source, damage control, run self-diagnostic, and seek repair where necessary. Translates to humanity as proper diet, seeing doctors as needed, quiet reflection.

--Unexpected success at ensuring power source by temporary control over satellite dish to disable car computer in late model Corolla outside of certain building. Several people on emerging had been observed showing lack of coordination and endangered selves, cars, other people, and utility pole across the street.

This translates analogically to avoiding eating spoiled food or allowing food ruination by other species.

Please profit from good advice and enjoy holiday season.