Out To Launch, Despite Those Explosive Jellies

[recorded segment begins]

--when I resurface or emigrate.

Herr D is going on retreat. He will not be available for that.

[one pupil dilates] What?

He will not be available.

Wh-- What's a retreat?

He described being away from computers.

People really do that?

Yes. He also doesn't own a smartphone.

Your sarcasm detection software doesn't seem to be working.

You've programmed me to read human body language.

Yes, but-- OH! Right. [tentacular shrug] My dialog conversion software reads MY body language. Oh, well. I can't get him to do a graphic then. Shelob? Do a search. [neuralink upload] See if there are better words to describe what I found.

[sixteen seconds pass] Yes. Your knowledge of modern taxonomy is incomplete. This discovery may have already been made. Uncertain of parameters.

Yeah? Give it to me, Shelob! [high-speed neuralink download, underwater equivalent of a stagger]
Oooh. Um? Compose. Give 'em the report. I'm gonna go cover something with ink. [swims out of lair]

Report: Hairy has discovered some examples of what appear to be Loricifera 'Hydrogen Extremophiles' deep in the Atlantic. These extremophiles live on hydrogen rather than oxygen. Data collected by Hairy suggests that the ones he found are members of one of the three species of multicellular organisms vaguely described online. Various sizes and shapes of jellyfish are usually indiscernible to the layman. These beings were discovered in a surprisingly large nest of deep-living electric eels. These eels are congregating in unusually large numbers for reasons undetermined and have been for a very long time. The unusual amounts of electrolysis occurring in and around the nest have become a long-standing source of nourishment, producing enough hydrogen for a small extremophile close-ranging colony.

SUBSTANTIVE  CONCLUSION: The hydrogen molecules Hairy will discover in the intake system of the launch apparatus could be the cause of all repeated failed launches for Hairy's return home. Strobing backward in time could reasonably have caused collection from the Loricifera extremophile colony. Without knowledge of these beings living in the intake valve, Hairy could not possibly have calibrated the system correctly. This event, if true, constitutes an impenetrable continuum cycle in which events bring around a circular pattern resistant to change. This launch, from all preliminary reports, appears, appeared, shall appear, and shall have appeared to be consistent with the other failed launches. Additionally, the electric eels may have chosen to reside here because of the unusual magnetic flux issues caused by Hairy's biannual launch attempts. Though this appears paradoxical, it is actually a simple continual causal cycle common to time travel.

[pause till Hairy's return]

[Hairy swims back into lair]

Conclusion reached concerning--

[Tentacular wave] Stop. Just go do some web browsing. I'm going to mentally prepare for launch. Wait. You mentioned something earlier about self-sabotage?

Yes.

Addictive personalities, destructive habits, communication failures, personality problems, and other such things are overdue for addressing on the blog. Why don't you submit something about cyclical failure causes as a blog entry? You can think of something for that, right?

Yes. [recorded segment ends]