[Hairy is semisemiconscious]
What's this argument they're having? [sleepy]
The argument over whether global warming is real.
Are they still arguing about that?
Didn't we settle that for them?
Post that again for us, Shelob.
[REPEAT MATERIAL: Those with photographic or eidetic memories skip the following section.]
The Global Warming Controversy Solved Permanently In Three Oversimplified Steps
[recorded segment begins] --SHELOB! . . . SHELOB!
[visibly relaxes all eleven tentacles] Where HAVE you been? The time-jump recalculations haven't even been started yet. You haven't even accessed the new data!
Working on urgent problem.
What urgent problem?
[direct neuralink download begins, and Hairy interrupts] --OW! I can't absorb that much data! What was that, the whole world-wide weather archive?
The first section and random samples for interpolation.
What is this even for?
Current arguments over global warming research and theory validity.
What. You mean that's in question?
Well, did you check their work?
Within current margins of error.
So, what's the problem?
Several important people claim that it is theory, and therefore, should not--
Oh, that. Well, they have a point. In theory, adults should act with maturity and wisdom, and look at the political arena. . . . sorry, Shelob. You're going about solving this the wrong way.
The mathematical and geophysical models were--
--the WRONG WAY TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM. You can't do it that way, Shelob. The average person is only of average intelligence. The people running for office aren't really much brighter than that either. They won't understand some of the math or the science. You're going to have to solve this a different way.
[brief pause, ending in full five-eyeroll] Tell everyone to forget the theory and not to worry over whether the Earth is getting hotter or colder or spontaneously turning pink! None of that matters. What matters is that they agree on three basic things--count off for me.
Poisoning the air, water, and soil is a bad thing.
Less poison is better than more poison.
Waiting until scientists tell you you'll all be dead from something soon is STUPID. Everyone needs to work on permanently lessening the amount of poisons made and improving how they are handled a little at a time, in manageable amounts, until it's your offspring's turn to do it for you. That way you'll be ABLE to keep having offspring and surviving as a species.
Solution noted. You wish this idea presented?
Y--[recorded segment ends, transmission complete]
[Resume reading here, all those with photographic or eidetic memories.]
There. Simple enough! [begins snoring . . . ] [disconnect]