Incomplete Religious Beliefs

Yikes. Okay. I owe any of my atheist readers an apology. I actually thought modern funerary practices were RELIGIOUS in nature. Shelob's research straightened me out. It's about zombies! No wonder it makes no sense, religiously.

Explain. Inconsistency disrupting program.

Your research, Shelob. It's about zombies. The gravestone, as you pointed out in your report, was originally a weight to keep the body in the ground. The epitaph was a charm to be spoken to keep the body in the ground. The coffins are heavy-lidded and used to be nailed shut to keep the body in the ground. Religious services held graveside with clergy were originally to keep the body in the ground. That reference you brought me about the rhyme about six feet under?

This was to keep the body in the ground, also?

Yes. So obviously, funeral practices are about zombies.

So, why referred to historically as a "Christian burial?"

That must be another aphorism. Obviously zombie beliefs are just too strong.

I couldn't contact Herr D in time. Luckily this was an easy one.

I mean, embalming fluid was a good clue. Poisoning the bodies so that they can't replenish the Earth clearly is as anti-religious as it gets. Every major religion and most of the more responsible secular movements declare some version of  "ashes to ashes, dust to dust," but embalming fluid is clearly against that.

More inconsistency. The Bible given to you mentions the dead walking.

Oh, you mean in that last section? Revelation? That's a specific event and believed to be unpreventable. I don't know if they count as zombies or not, but that can't be avoided by funeral practices according to their beliefs.

So atheists believe in zombies?

. . . I don't know? I think that's the question of the day. Do atheists believe in zombies? I do wonder when humanity will start giving back to the Earth. Many religious people believe in the soul after all. They should be okay with the bodies taking their rightful place in the ecosystem. Let me know, guys.