Hairy Is NOT After That Kind Of Attention

"Playbeing" by Herr D on heromachine.com

[Hairy is sitting, transfixed, staring at terminal] Uh . . .  Shelob?

Here.

Oh, you're already--yeah. Um, what are the taboos about not really being interested?

Close all pertinent windows. Choose another search topic. 

No. I mean if they appear to be sexually interested.

[12.7 second internet compilation on complaints made on social media about dating behaviors, massive spreadsheet containing conflicting data downloaded through neuralink]

Well, that's a lot to choose from--and complicated enough to go wrong no matter what! Okay. Shelob, automate a notification for me.

Concerning? 

Concerning those three women and that one guy in Japan. They should know that I'm NOT dating anyone ON purpose and that maybe they should delete their internet history. I mean really, the women do interest me a little, but their few limbs are so short and BONY. How do humans keep from hurting each other anyway?

You wish your status to be 'straight male, humanoid-curious, but celibate?'

Uh, yeah. Except emphasize that I'm human. We need to keep that up for now. [looks at plankton feeder sadly] I've lost my appetite. Back later, Shelob! [exits lair for a swim]

Shelob Leaks A Presidential Pattern Prediction Involving Russia

[upload recorded segment, begins during waking Hairy as he is dozing with four eyes, weaving with fifth eye and three tentacles] I have a prediction involving one of your predictions. Is it possible to discuss simultaneity and probability?

[one green eye widens slightly, pupil dilating strongly] I'm -- not going to comment yet. What have you got?

It concerns your comparison of presidents between Trump and Carter.

I did go on record as saying some of Trump's presidency would likely be like an inverse Carter sort of thing.

Your terminology is unclear. Please re-explain.

I meant he could very easily unite Congress against him. Tie up everything. Instead of being thought of as too idealistic and unyielding to do politics as usual, Trump would become too hated, too controversial, too abrasive, and possibly even too lowbrow and profane, or at least offensive.

That's largely happened in some ways. Then he went and partially reversed himself on a few things, like most politicians do, and some of it got a little better.

Noted. I followed your notes on prognostication by algorithm.
 
Really? I didn't think I'd quantified the variables clearly enough. What's your sequence?


Two theoretical historians concur that if a certain president had not been impeached, China would have turned out to be a much greater ally, perhaps even moved much more toward representative government and honoring human rights.

That's an interesting set of 'what-if's.' We haven't encountered that in continuum research, have we?

No. Less than 1.729% likely in this continuum. But possible.

Okay, go on.

Then the famous saying, "Only Nixon could go to China."

Yeah. That one's so famous it got into Star Trek somewhere. WAIT! You don't mean--

Perhaps only a businessman, marketer, man without presidential reputation could make significant strides toward peace in the Middle East.


--and--

Simultaneously to selecting counsel over the Russia investigations, Trump has acted in a very diplomatic manner, raising the likelihood of peace in the Middle East for longer than six years from 0.00036% to approximately 0.00074% with one speech. Properly timed to match Nixon, he could raise that to 12.5% before impeachment and ruination of his efforts.


[tentacles jitter] Check the math on that, Shelob. You're scaring me! I DID say I hope his greatest accomplishment doesn't turn out to be saving money on the salaries of people he didn't hire, but THIS--don't blog about this, okay?!

Okay. [end recording]

The Best Way For North Korea To Make A Difference

[begin recorded segment]  You are amused by this report on ISIL?

[laughing] Well, what's that expression? DUH?!

What is amusing?

This captive from ISIL, Kweuhn or something, he said it's nicer away from ISIL. Freer.

That does appear to be the case. For ISIL to exist, the members could not have much freedom.

They're nihilists bent on destroying everyone else. That much negativity doesn't make for a bed of anemones.

Roses.

Really? Roses aren't that pretty. They ought to rethink that one.

Is this a favorite act against ISIL?

No, my favorite one was that time some British operative changed the link from an ISIL website to call up pictures of baked goods. Now THAT was a classy move.

That move was interesting, but probably does not help with the reported vulnerabilities to recruitment by similarly strategized organizations.

I--don't really get that. I mean, how vulnerable do you have to be? This IS the generation that voted Trump into office, with his 'alternative facts.' When did the truth become so unpopular?

Circa 1597.

When?! Wait. Where did you get THAT date?

"Don't shoot the messenger." {this reasoning contains allowable approximations} "That phrase, in its modern form, appeared in Shakespeare's 'Henry IV part 2'  written approximately in 1597." -- six online sources vetted as mostly accurate.
 
[groans] Four and a fifth centuries ago, on a midsummer night, one human warned the rest. Goodness, this population is slow to learn! Oh, well. It does explain how anyone can believe in the superiority of North Korea. What was that stat I bookmarked from 'DATABLOG?'

Negligible or not acknowledged unemployment.
 
Yeah, the only superior stat was negligible unemployment. That's right. They probably give every old man and woman who can barely walk and move their arms a broom. Feed 'em cabbage water and don't call them back if they 'sundown' into the sea while they're sweeping. It's the oriental version of ISIL.

Do you have a suggestion for something more productive the leader of North Korea could do?
 
Well, of course! Somebody ought to dare him to move to America and write a blog or sell a useless product. His marketing campaign would be half done. All he'd have to do would be sell as well as he does now. #$%^&* I bet if he blogged ISIL out of existence and let go of his nuclear program, he'd get something no one else could possibly get for him.

An action figure of himself successfully marketed in America?
 
No! Maybe--official American recognition as a truly heroic man, at least. The western world would defend him and his country for, most likely, the rest of his life.

So you hope this is brought to his attention.
 
Sure! Everyone should know what it would take to become a hero to your enemies--

[upload, disconnect]

Return To The Deep

[opens lair door to admit Hairy wearing somewhat damaged suitbot #1] What took you so long? Herr D was worried.

I had to walk until I found a suitable boat. The colder, wetter weather made that a little easier. Then I had to sneak on. Then I had to wait till I wouldn't be seen jumping overboard. From there it was a long, slow swim. Is the water warmer?

That was still an awfully long time. Did you orienteer with South at the top again?
 
Wow. Yeah. I did. But I'm home now. I'm gonna catch up. What's new? [reaches for neuralink]

Herr D said the world needs more antipsychotic meds than ever.

That . . . sounds bad. [adjusts posture for long stillness, puts plankton feeder tube into mouth]