Pundits And Putin Should Be Shooed, Perhaps Not Shot

"Grumman Song" by Herr D on heromachine.com. Some verse is too bizarre to be original. This means that the original was rewritten to make it more commercially viable. --Shelob

 Then type it out here.

Hannity probably does deserve it the most. Ingraham is high up. Gutfeld is really just incredibly tasteless and stupid-sounding like Ingraham, so maybe about there. He's really hard to listen to, irritating. Not even funny like people on his show act like.

And by 'it' you mean?

[pause] Charges brought for disinformation. Most likely they'd be dismissed, as their shows are SOOOOOO far from being news, that they could easily plead they're doing parody. But they DO deserve to be called out in court for what they've been doing.

You say Hannity is the worst?

Of the pundits I've seen, yes. Trump himself really ought to be humiliated publicly as a minimum. I don't have the juice to do it myself. Self-marketing is where his only real intelligence lies. Everything else is just lies. He doesn't know any science, he can't talk numbers without making them up, he can't even face basic reality. The main difference between Trump and a despot like Putin is that people aren't afraid enough of Trump to let him have everything he wants and not criticize him publicly.

You do not think well of Putin?

Why would anyone born into freedom like Putin? He's acting like it's his job to take over all the countries the Soviet Union lost and try again. He is becoming the imperialist that he used to criticize.

Thank you.

It Wasn't HIM--Though Herr D Would Have Preferred So; Then A Simple Plan

 

 

"Medieval Communications" by Herr D on heromachine.com

You worked more hours yesterday.

Yes. My boss had a lot of extra data to go through. On top of it all, I feel a little sick. I told some people wrong. What did you say?

I said that the closing of I-95 looked bad for our new governor. It wasn't him! On top of that, I haven't heard any criticism FROM him, which is a point in his favor. Please explain.

That massive 27-hour debacle on the highway? 50 miles of interstate closed, stranding hundreds of motorists, including a senator? Youngkin isn't mayor yet. Northam, who I didn't vote for either, is still in charge.

And I said to at least two groups of people that it "didn't look good on our new governor. He's not in for about another week. True, he COULD have shown up at the offices of VDOT and said, "Impress me, people. I'll be your new boss in two weeks." But he also could have staged a Twitterstorm of criticism. I wouldn't vote for Northam for any other elected office--ever, not that I voted for him before. Now though, he's proven he doesn't really care. How?

I-95 doesn't close. Not for more than four hours. Not since it was BUILT. How would you have handled it differently?

VDOT has those signs that flash letters on wheels. Drive one past that says "Detour next exit please, massive delay hours to wait" and park it back far enough that it matters. Send out a traffic cop to start waving people around. There's your notification to drivers. It's worked since there were roads and police. IRL notification. Then?

Well, there would be two more squad cars coasting up as far as they could, directing people to turn around and take the detour, flashers on. The nearest precinct house could print out maps on good old-fashioned paper, recommending new routes for people to hand out to those poor like myself that don't have smartphones or those who can't figure out how to find alternate routes. Then the snowplows can work, the tow trucks can work, the rescue people can work--What about those who can't drive on ice and snow? You have made the complaint that many cannot.

Pull them over till the road's clear or a worker can be spared to drive them off an exit? Get them to a motel parking lot or gas station? Anybody wanting to wait right where they are stays in their car in ONE LANE OR ON SHOULDER, WHEREVER THOSE RUNNING THE SCENE POINT THEM. This is not hard. It's TRAFFIC,  for pity's sake! Police are famous for handling it well. Seven state policemen in five squad cars could have handled this whole thing in an hour per half mile, right?

Seven hundred state police?

No! Obviously police have more than half an hour They could be sent there in minutes and clear it out in that long. But if they'd been sent before it GOT that bad? Figure that out? At an average three lanes and an average fifteen feet per car, five feet into 5280 feet goes 1056 times. You said fifty miles, so 52800 cars. At an average ten miles an hour on the shoulder, that translates to five hours plus five minutes per car. That becomes 4400 hours

? I don't mean that many cars. That's like a car maximum for parking. I mean how long should it have taken them if they started while it was only twenty  miles backed up? Say 7000 cars. Go in, turn them all, go back to an exit like I said. At an average two hours [from the VDOT intranet] to collect signs for a detour on one VDOT sign vehicle, one salt truck, one snowplow, four squad cars with eight officers with printed maps and one ambulance per exit, (5 VDOT employees, 4 officers, and 2 EMTs per exit at each end of a twenty-mile stretch) personnel could turn twenty miles of cars on an average of twenty-one mph to turn and thirty-five mph to return to the detour, including merging. They would need to enter each exit each way and clear snow continuously from each shoulder, crossing the highway at each opportunity.  Seven hours forty-seven minutes allowing twelve cars to be partially buried after removing drivers and passengers.

That's less than eight hours for reopening. Well, is that realistic? The map and weather report suggests additional difficulties. Commute and organization might take an additional hour. Human error might cost up to three additional hours and a small number of injuries.

That's for twenty miles? The whole affected area might have taken fifteen hours rather than twelve at double the labor for between 9000 and 11375 cars. 

I don't think it was that many. A request for assistance might have been made.

Not many people are awake at 3am besides security agencies and hospital workers. But a text could have been sent out to all applicants for government jobs and those on unemployment. Call 1-800-HELP-I95 if available (paid) to shovel snow, assist stranded people for four hours RIGHT NOW. Loads of unemployed people don't sleep well. Minimum wage could have been paid to a few hundred people for four hours each. They'd be given a stub saying it doesn't count as a job. How much would that help? At five more officers  / VDOT employees managing two hundred paid helpers, time for the reopening would not likely be reduced more than two hours. The remaining cars, however, might be off the highway.

Why? More people would be less organized, despite the enthusiasm you imply. Some of them would be better drivers. Most of them would be able to help push.

Wow. Okay. Thanks!

Recipe for Swoggle Roast And Continuing Research Upon Human Interaction

 So I called  SQUIDLING [identity redacted]  into the kitchen and pointed to the crockpot. I said, "We're having swoggle for dinner. It wasn't expensive after all." Her face scrunched up. I wish I had a picture.

[wish granted by edit: active security camera still at approximate timestamp of events described has out-of-focus reflection through kitchen window--reflections allowed for by greenscale and context, matching hues to counters installed by manufacturer website and allowing for approximate fading from approximate purchase date--results style match, hues approximated within 10.61 %, color within 23 angstroms, correct cooking device verified by merchant website, photo cropped to remove identity information]

"Security Camera Ldd81fb4-0102221010547 pic of subject 'swoggle' bit-mapped and data correlated" by Shelob. The irregular wedges are likely potatoes, extrapolating from similar recipes.-Shelob

 

Did she require medicinal assistance?

No--[probable laughter] She was confused by what she saw in the crockpot. She said, "That's TEN LEGS!"

I said, "Lots of things have ten legs. Crabs have ten legs. Lobsters have--HONEY? LOBSTERS HAVE TEN LEGS, RIGHT?"

And Sunni D called back, "YES!"

I nodded. "You know spiders have eight and insects have six. MOST livestock has four. Do you know the four-legged meats?"

She assured me that she did. Upon quizzing her, the wife and I got her harried enough she said that hamburger came from pigs. Because ham. We had her then.

"Where have you been learning about where meat comes from?" I gave her that stern look.

"From you and Mom! But--"

"HONEY! WHICH CLASS SHOULD SHE LEARN ABOUT MEAT IN? HISTORY OR GEOGRAPHY?"

"SOCIAL STUDIES!"

Shaking my head, I muttered disgustedly about needing to call her teachers. I asked her about poultry. She didn't know the WORD poultry. "TWO legs, you know? Birds we eat."

She was so worked up I had to name chicken. She got turkey and quail and I added pheasant. I let it go then, just had her hand me an onion and waved her out, shaking my head. About an hour later she suddenly called out, "DAD, I CAN'T FIND 'SWOGGLE' ON THE INTERNET! HOW DO YOU SPELL IT?"

"I'm pretty sure it's two 'g's," I said, as she came into the kitchen. I had the crockpot simmering and was looking for moldy leftovers. I was finding too much of that. "S-W-O-G-G-L-E." No results found for edible land animal 'swoggle'. Style not match error?

Yeah, I know, Shelob, just hold on.

Ten minutes later she called out she still couldn't find it. I was ready to take the trash out. I came to the kitchen door with the bag and tied it as I spoke. "You probably need to use the proper name, SQUIDLING [identity redacted] That's 'the Greater North American Horned Swoggler.' With an 'R' at the end." My eyes met Sunni D's eyes in quiet amusement and understanding. The hint was laid.

My kid blurted out, all proud of herself, that she had heard of a man on the net called a hornswoggler. I nodded, saying "he probably ran at someone and stabbed them." And she agreed!

I took out the trash. I came back in and heard, "DAAA-aa-AAAD!"

Three syllables. That's how I know I done good! This does not explain the phrase 'teachable moments.'

Of course it does! By pranking her in this manner, I reminded her that I've been telling her not to believe everything she reads or sees on the net. That it's too easy to fake. Now she's been fooled in person again, so maybe that point is being driven home. Research will continue. Where did the fake evidence come from?

The legs were drumsticks. The middle was a pork roast. It was good. I added potatoes and onions and carrots and spices.and some shredded spinach at the end. Was a good couple of meals. Recipe noted.