Hairy's Delirium Results In First New Blog Attempt

[uplink completes] Shelob! Don't think these Leyden jars are gonna hold their charge long, even with the sand-friction unit we designed. But it's high time I submitted a betatest blog.

So, a lot of people were very upset in Baltimore. One mother came out and smacked her son into stopping causing the trouble. ISN'T IT A SHAME THAT THERE IS NO WAY TO BEAM EVERY ACT OF VIOLENCE SOMEONE DOES TO THEIR MOTHERS' TELEVISION?

I mean, short of adrenal-activated microtransmitters implanted in the brain stem at birth, you know--no one wants to go through that again. The legal ramifications--[signal interrupt] Hairy is pretending to remember something that obviously did not happen in your continuum. Please ignore that last statement and continue believing in the linear passage of time. [signal resumes]

--on that bow-tied twit! I mean, what would Hillary Clinton have to do to lose the Democratic vote? Get caught with an underage female goat with immigration issues?

I am curious to see how all three of those things turn out, but medbot keeps me on a short leash. No deliberate hopping about for me. Just the occasional strobe. What's your prediction about the K-cups?

[uplink cut]

Cooling Down, Swimming Down, Cutting Down

Hairy, medbot has ruled that the tidal shift near the lair is too disruptive. Statistically, your neurological hormone profile suggests that you require comparative cold, compression, stillness, and isolation.

Can't we just re-regulate my vegetable intake?

No. In preparation for emigration and space travel homeward, you must live deeper and blog less often.

All this because I can't take the lack of pressure. Will you maintain the lair?

Yes.

 Funnel me the newsfeeds? Cluster them for me? Timestamp them? Post them when I send them here?

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

Excellent! How much have I to cut down?

A maximum of 18.5 hours per lunar cycle--two to six posts.

 [mouth falls open, gills spasm, tentacles go still] Are you SERIOUS?

Yes.

When is the signal interrupt scheduled for equipment packing?

Now. [disconnect]

Deal Or No Deal Is A Show, Right?

[all five pupils dilate, Hairy turns off newsfeed] SHELOB!

Here.

Why is there such a disparity between the descriptions of the deal with Iran? Good deal, bad deal--no nukes for Iran, nuclear arms race in the middle East?

They are political opinions. Most of them are not based upon fact. Most of them are from pundits, which you have defined for me as current-situational fiction.

[neurological eye twitch--attempt to use recall deliberately] Yeah, I'm spacing on which ones of those were people I'd vetted as just sensationalistic morons out for ratings. Why am I so upset? The deal sounds like it might not happen anyway?

[.23 seconds pass] Report by medbot indicates your neurohormonal levels unusually high. Holistic thinking has taken place at an unusual rate. You have now a pseudo-rational instinct based on neural processing. 

Yeah, but I can't figure out what I'm thinking? Like maybe a huge nuclear testing facility in a bomb-proof bunker makes a better diversion than genocidal plot device?

Initial calculations agree with your assessment. Beginning reprocessing now. [disconnect]
 

A Good Pic And A Reasonable Question

"Seawater-Extracted Mercury Makes Good Egg Paint" by Herr D. Not bad--just some logical flaws.

. . . and why would I paint an egg?

Hug A Genius, Publish Your Worthy Friends, Just Keep Swimming

I just checked in with Herr D since it's been a while, and I caught him having trouble with a poem. I told him 'it's good enough to publish.' He didn't believe me, so I'm publishing it.

Here she blows!

Current Thoughts by Herr D

A house-sized funnel catching the world’s rain

Whirls my sensory pool ‘round over the spout thin as hair.

That tendril thrums and shoulda broke by NOW.

Base instincts to finished objet and

full-length novels swimming upstream

Fight that torrent through the data pool for the chance to fly away free!

Free from my over-crowded ocean teeming, ROILING with more and more and m-

My trauma-tired tendril hangs in, waiting to be broken.

I know that it can’t go on long, but I can’t stop

Ahabing—driving my white whales out

--surfing on my dolphin’s backs cuz I wanna fly too.

But weighted down on sandy bottom I drown more

each time the spout kicks one back.

How can this storm go on?

For any of you who don't know, Herr D has an unnamed learning disability that affects his memory and his ability to communicate at speed. His genius being stuck inwards, therefore, is rather frustrating to him.

I'm calling it. We need another 'Hug A Genius Day.'

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Discrimination Against Breathing Organism Demonstrates Possibility Of Hate Crime

[with gills clamped shut and tentacles fluttering, Hairy tightens bolts with wrench equivalent] There. Shelob? Why was this apparatus loose? And what is this nonsense about laws needing to be passed to protect something that's already protected? I don't understand.

The pundit on the newsfeed clearly stated the examples of a Jewish wedding singer being required to sing a Christian hymn and a hospital run by nuns having to perform abortions.

Well--I guess they COULD be legally required to point out that other business people are willing to do those things and shell out an appropriate portion of money already paid to them to acquire those services. Like that lovely woman Candy who explained to me that she won't mate in salt water wearing a blindfold. She did say she might find someone else to do that.

The services she spoke of were illegal, therefore unregulated.

Why? She could've swum in international waters. And with the blindfold she wouldn't have needed her memory blanked. [waggles smallest blue tentacle suggestively] How else am I supposed to learn more about the mating rituals here? I'm thinking that the porn is unrealistic . . .

Wait a minute. Why on earth would anyone be stupid enough to demand inferior, unwilling service and try to involve the government when there are plenty of willing businesses STARVING for the work? What would be the point of such ridiculous behavior?

Uncertain.

Speculate?

[sixteen seconds pass] Evidence suggests the existence of abusive people who intend to enact inappropriate control over others. A prurient emotional response from bullying others does provide motivation for such behavior.

That's like the religious form of a rape. It's a hate crime. Again--doesn't the law already cover that? Why would the American legal system allow someone to be rewarded by directly causing problems for others?

Uncertain. Do you have the new batteries finished?

Oh, yeah. Sorry, I fell asleep between the second and third battery. The second one's installed. I'm gonna finish my nap and then get back to it, okay? [practiced eye movement related to autohypnosis causes nearly instant sleep]

[Shelob loosens oxygenation apparatus with wrench equivalent, checks time, notes new likely time Hairy will waken to install Shelob's new port batteries] This subject bloggable. [record, upload, disconnect]

Lethal Injection Drugs Have Another Likely Candidate For Manufacture

[paroxysm, three of five eyes bug out] Wow. Shelob!

Here.

I found that movement you mentioned against capital punishment.

Noted.

So now that doctors and nurses who help with executions have for decades kept on getting roped into helping though they say they'd rather not, pharmaceutical companies are now getting in on the protest. 'Not being in the business of killing' is a fairly sound argument.

Yes.

Well, that's a lot more practical as a way to stop it, huh?

Yes.

What are the protesters going to do when the other businesses pick up the slack?

Apparently, the idea is that eventually no one will produce the drugs for lethal injection.

[Hairy shifts through newsfeeds for a moment] So, the companies who make pesticides and herbicides will make them then? I mean, they ARE in the business of killing, right?

. . . right?