Friday, August 29, 2014

The Press Is Depressing, And Opressing, Not Impressing

I've been looking at the problems with the recent Ferguson shooting. I realize the biggest problems by far have been around with every high-profile case, but it's time to talk about them again and develop a belated solution that could be put in use next time.
Now I wasn't there and don't like hype, so let's just pretend for a moment that none of us know what happened. Anybody heard of a truth table? This is sort of like that.

Making this graphically?

No. I've got something picked out.
Case A: Something we don't know should exonerate the policeman. I don't care how unlikely this sounds to anyone; I'm saying it first because there are SUPPOSED to be more honest police than wronged bad guys. That IS what we all want, so we should ALWAYS talk about that possibility first.

In Case A, cop goes to court, has counseling, gets his livelihood interfered with, never makes it as far in his career as he could have. Maybe is the victim of hate crimes later. In this case, it's very likely that the criminal 'wins' posthumously by life ruination even if that particular truth comes out and justice is done. The story is just too widespread.

Case B: Something we don't know about the police officer means that maybe he shouldn't be one. I don't care how this possibility sounds to anyone, because no sane person should believe that authority doesn't corrupt.

In Case B, cop gets suspended or maybe fired. It's very possible that all this publicity causes a mistrial or a hung jury, and the bad cop never has justice done because too many people think they know the story, think they know what happened, and won't sit still for a fair trial / suspension / whatever. The bad guy has a minor victory because the story is just too widespread.

In Cases A & B, calling G the number of good cops that were GOING to exist, an uncertain number N decide not to become cops at all because of the footage and controversy.

* G-N < G

Therefore, we ALL are worse off because the story is just too widespread!

Research request complete.

Thank you, Shelob! What does it say about not letting the press have a story.

Congress shall make no law . . . abridging . . . freedom of the press--

That would be Amendment #1 from your Constitution. There's got to be an exception, though, right? Clearly the media blitz is not helping this situation.

No exception explicitly listed.

Herr D,
Wow. So, let situations like this continue horribly or risk ruining something that helps keep America great? Now THAT'S a problem. @#$%^&!! Shelob, zap all those amendments through my neuralink.

One millisecond to upload.
Your memory capacity is declining. You read Constitution before deciding where to settle.
[twitch] Uh? Yeah. [thirty-six seconds pass] HEY! Problem solved. It says Congress can't pass a law, right? Well, there are two whole other branches of this government! The Executive and Judicial! They can argue over which one should do it, but a temporary gag order or writ or whatever-they-need could be put on inflammatory stories with a required notification of release after a jury and a backup are sequestered. It says right there in the sixth amendment that a fair trial is the right of the defendant.

Majority rule suggests the individual defendant(s) are less important than the body of the press.

So we need a group of people bigger than the press?

To clarify the need.

Under number nine, rights not explicitly included here? The right of any individual not to be swayed from being a good citizen, and, therefore, a good juror includes the right not to have spoilers. There are more potential jurors in the United States than press. Technically there might be more defendants than members of the press corps, anyway. That's enough, right?

Uncertain. Include law on 'incitement to riot,' 'reckless endangerment?'

Oh--hhh, NOOOO. [all five eyes roll, full eleven-tentacle shrug] Let's not be THAT obvious, we're talking government. [gurgling laughter]
I'm gonna quote Bacon Shakespeare here: "Speak not on what you know not of."
The fact is, it's RUDE, it's MEAN, and it's AT LEAST MODERATELY DISHONEST to talk about things like you know what's going on when you don't. Objectivity vs. being informed is a balance that is difficult for anyone. I miss details from time to time--


--and I blurt out right here sometimes that I don't understand something. On top of that, commenters COULD tell me I'm wrong if they wanted to. How about that, huh? Isn't there a right not to hear about stories of questionable journalistic integrity?

Not explicitly. Examine libel?

No, I think the news media should just learn when they're infringing on our eighth amendment rights.

No cruel or unusual punishment?

That's the one. PEACE! [disconnect]

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Hug A Genius Day

Before I made the last entry, Herr D told me explicitly that a lot of people might not like encouraging an influx of new citizens. When I asked him why, he said that people 'forget' their roots and feel desperate to preserve the 'now,' and I didn't understand much of that. So I asked him whether he thought the geniuses already in country would be enough to ensure America's continued success, and he said, "Even a prophet goes unrecognized in his home town."

Located quotation. As you suspected, it is from the Bible.

--yeah, thanks, Shelob. So, I encouraged him to show me graphically what it's like to be an American genius. I PRE-titled his picture "What It Feels Like To Be Off The Bell Curve." (I think he's still depressed over RW's suicide.) Anyway, this is what he came up with:

By Herr D on That sums it up, I think.
So that's the alternative, huh? Treat your own citizens with high intelligence better? Listen to them and let them improve things? Reward them for being smart? Turn them into the heroes of tomorrow? --OH, THE HORROR THAT WOULD BE!

[No wonder he gets so sour sometimes.] All my readers have an assignment as of RIGHT NOW. Go hug a genius. They need one worse than anyone. If you can't find one, wave and smile and provide encouraging words to all the above-average-intelligence people you know.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Balance, Hackers

"The Quandary Of Freedom Vs Security" by Herr D,, rights reserved. Excellent!--Hairy Deewon
At what point does security not just quash your freedoms but start interfering with your identity? This is a very big deal. America might be governed by consent of the majority of the governed, but its early success and rise to superpowerdom was obviously caused by individuals' ability to stand up against tradition, the ruling class, fear of change, threat of horrible death, personal ostracism and condemnation, and whiners.

Terrorists hate America? The ones that died on September 11th actually DID restrict a tiny bit of freedom. Wait times for flights went up, letter organizations shuffled their letters a little and sound scarier now, people imagine threats in forgotten baggage, there are more things you can't do on a plane (man, why'd they make the mile high club illegal?) certain jokes can now make people miss their flights, and the Patriot Act . . . happened. It's now much more possible to really make America sound overzealous and Gestapo-ish. I'm gonna go up on dry land here for a minute--

Out on a limb.

What? [momentary disconnect] Sorry. I'm gonna go out on a limb here for a minute and say that I'm glad that that much freedom was lost only in response to a few thousand people being killed in the first successful attack of its kind on American soil.


Right. I meant only. The important thing to remember is that it takes only one moron too hateful to be allowed out in public to ruin or end a few dozen lives, while it takes a concerted, specific, well-thought-out, team effort to do anything really impressive.

And the bad guys can team up too. I think maybe it would be worth it for parents who like their freedom to notice which of their children put thought behind what kind of coach their sports team has and which ones follow blindly or won't follow at all. The blind followers can be just as dangerous as anyone if the wrong person leads them astray. Teach your kids to follow when they should, and question authority in RESPECTFUL ways.

Hacking detected again.

%^&@#$%^! Yeah, okay. whoever you are? There's a time and place for that sort of thing. If you can't do it undetected, don't do it at all. Someone might get the wrong idea and get you caught when all you wanted was a harmless peek.

Sorry, everyone. Someone's been in here that shouldn't have been. I don't have the time and energy it takes to audit everything, so comment if you see anything untoward here. Or if you have something to say about properly balancing freedom and security.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Citizens In, GNP out?

"U.S. Control Of Infusion Services" by Herr D,,
rights reserved. I think he portrays some inherent problems fairly
well, as well as the inherently self-conflicting balance issues,--Hairy
I've been reading a lot about the immigration and 'anchor baby' accusations. That's one problem that I don't envy anyone. Obviously separating families is not ideal. Some family situations obviously can't make up for economic strife, geopolitical stressors, genocidal mongrels, climatic disasters, regimes unfit for the authority it takes to run a hot dog stand, etc.

I've also been worried about the stagnation of America, or, as Herr D depicted above, the evaporation of the essence of American success. It's a big deal. America is settled down too much. Where are the new Edisons and Einsteins? Why is America becoming a nation without sturdy, lasting products that are craved the world over? What sane person wants America to be a service industry?

The fact is, America can't bank on its former success forever. CEOs are going to have to be worth keeping or ousted or demoted or transferred out to consultant firms. If that doesn't happen, businesses won't run well enough. This being a capitalist nation, the success of the nation depends on the success of the businesses rather than the success of the business owners. Wage earners are going to have to be paid enough to live on so they can be mentally present at work enough to innovate for their own positions, besides caring enough to maintain product and service quality. If these things don't happen enough, America WON'T continue to succeed well enough.

One way to get more new out of America is to put more new in. There ARE people who want to adopt. Let them prove they can raise a kid that would otherwise be an anchor baby?

Who has suggestions to make this idea work better?

Monday, August 25, 2014

The Wreck Of The "S. F. S. S. Desire"

Artist's interpretation by Herr D on, rights reserved. None of them are in
quite that good of shape. Not a one. But neat picture! He calls it "The Wreck Of The Desire."
I guess that's an in-joke.--Hairy Deewon                                                                                             
SHELOB! Good job on finding me so quickly. I was very disoriented. I thought the San Andreas fault had dumped San Francisco into the bay! I did strobe all the way off the west coast--

Visual references isolated your location quickly.

Yeah, I guess not too many people have dumped streetcars underwater. I mean, really, ENTIRE streetcars?

Artificial reef experiment, late 1960's. Fish habitat attempt. Records of it exist online. Good thing you wore your neuralink. Advisable to continue wearing.

Uh. Yeah. I'll do that. Did you mean to say that people dumped streetcars down there to HELP?!

To help correct overfishing and rebuild industry.

--I'm confused. If they thought a reef of steel would stay there, why wouldn't they have avoided strip-mining on land, and just tried swapping out reef material for their ore? People take everything they can from the sea--why didn't they KNOW that wouldn't work?

Later experiments used concrete and quarry rock.

Oh, so they had to figure it out backwards. [four of five eyes roll] Well, at least they figured it out.
--Hey! Turn on the blog function and back-paste most of this!


How many of you can name an example of things that took too long to figure out?

Friday, August 22, 2014

He Called It

[burbling laughter] I called it, didn't I, Shelob?!

Uncertain. Prediction?

Yeah! Those journalists that were claiming Obama didn't care, that he was on vacation? He was organizing black ops rescue attempts on kidnapped journalists. He was as involved as they come. I KNEW he was doing SOMETHING. I commented that none of the people talking trash were showing anything but ignorance--

Yet you commented American soldiers were too far out to act except as rescuers.

[three eyes blink, two eyes bug out] YOU told me that.

Radio signals were misleading.

Do you think those signal swappers are in use?

The devices that swap transmission content and locations on instruments between warring sides?

Yeah, those. Great concept, except that all anyone has to do is deliberately bomb their own people, and it kills the enemy.

Not scheduled for invention yet.

It doesn't matter anyway; Isis is ALREADY  killing their own more than we are. It's in the perverted nature of an organization like th-- [disappears]

Strobe alert. Equipment check commencing. Seeking Hairy. Today's blog entry ends.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Miss Ouri Ferguson's Feed

Have uncovered new issue. Please begin blog on this info. [turns on 'fast-forward' newsfeed]

Gah! How long has this been going on? Nevermind. I'll go look for a graphic while I process this--



Comparative phraseology passed cross-check. Presenting now.

Herr D,, rights reserved.
Titled 'MISprofiled,' thus relevant to this.
Uh. I can't see the relevance yet, but we'll worry about that later. I'm looking at the feeds from a journalist named Miss Ouri Ferguson. This is all messed up. So, if I understand correctly, a man got shot, the policeman who shot him is under review, lots of people are angry. Some of the people aren't so angry as stupid. The police are being picked on even though most of them had nothing to do with the shooting.
[35 seconds pass]
After a quick review, there are obviously a couple of things worth saying. I don't know whether maybe some stupid bureaucratic reason exists for not doing the obvious, but maybe during daylight hours, the local police should hand out water to the peaceful protesters who stay where they're supposed to. Obviously the looters need to go to jail AND do a lot of community service. Like in the community they helped endanger. Looters who take advantage of situations like this make the protesters look like they have nothing to complain about, like maybe they were a paid diversion for a bunch of penny-ante criminals. I hope the serious protesters are big enough to ostracize the looters.

Back to the water issue? It's August. People get hot chanting and marching during the day. The police should get as much chance to interact with the people who DESERVE to be heard as possible. It won't make up for being picked on, but it will help balance their worldview and help them stay fair.

Now about those who DON'T deserve to be heard? You're making everyone look bad. You're making things worse. You're making it look like police DO need to crack down. In Virginia, people constantly get arrested for 'disturbing the peace.' I GUARANTEE YOU. IF YOU KEEP THIS UP, EVERYONE WILL ASSUME THE YOUNG MAN DESERVED TO BE SHOT BASED ON YOUR BEHAVIOR. If, on the other hand, you shame everyone by quietly holding signs and being so wise and peaceable, everyone will be more likely to assume that the young man was more like that. Then there's the--

You have not addressed the race issue.

What race? Was there a marathon bombed there too?

No longer on 'destroy aphorism' mode. Race apparently means skin color.

[neuralink burst: civil rights footage from 1960's]

[stunned silence]
Serling did say I should watch the news when I visited. So, what, if you have pale skin, don't be seen by the police after visiting a tanning bed? You might get shot too? Do pale-skinned people not get shot?

[twelve seconds pass] Police records indicate pale-skinned people, referred to as Caucasians, do get shot. Protests have also occurred in those circumstances, just usually not deemed newsworthy. Outcry apparently based on idea that more dark-skinned people are shot.

I get the feeling maybe I'm missing the point here. Isn't the one police officer, the one who shot someone already under review? His career, if I understand, may never be the same even if he's exonerated and the guy he shot turns out to be an Isis member or holding a stolen diamond. His family will suffer. He might be punished more than just being unpaid for six months. He could serve time. Wait for the verdict before hating on his whole department?
If I had a family member, and that family member turned to crime, I might have a small twinge of pride if he refused to go to jail and leech away taxpayer dollars by getting 'justifiably' killed when he failed to get away. Criminals get put in jail like animals in a cage. In the purest sense, that means they are not only defeated, but have to earn back their humanity and society. Someone who dies rather than go to jail might have been defeated, but is never pathetic.

Now. There's one item that is very wrong. A policeman on the news had urine thrown on him, had a BB gun brandished at him, and got suspended for cursing. There's just one thing to say to that: @#$%^&*!

Everyone in that unruly crowd owes his family a home-cooked meal. The cowardly punishment he was given is an example of bureaucratic stupidity. There could not have been anyone 'too young to hear that' present, or they would need to be rescued by social services for being allowed to be there. That police officer did nothing wrong, should be commended for recognizing a BB gun and reacting correctly, and quite clearly was subject to the same level of bias the police are being accused of. "He's wearing a uniform; he must shoot people when they might not deserve it!" I mean, come on! If you're the victim of bias, you won't cause it to stop by victimizing others. The guy with the BB gun needs to grow a brain or go home.

Anyone throwing urine? You know who does that? Monkeys. I am a bit of a specist. I admit it. If someone IS no more than a monkey throwing urine, well, shooting the monkey is forgivable, because that urine could contain a fatal disease. Maybe the humans around you know how to act. At least try not to get them shot.

[disgusted sound, disconnect]

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Pop Tart Drop Art, Send 'Em The Truth By Remote

[in process of sifting plankton] Yah, Shelob. Nothing on the newsfeeds critical, right?

Journalist reported to have lost head to Isis.

They all do that. Every crisis, they start screaming--

He will not scream again. Preparing graphic.


News indicates lost head. Mortal wound to humans.

WHAT?! [covers all five eyes with three tentacles] Shelob? Are you still on 'destroy aphorism' mode?


--you mean those morons decapitated, or murdered someone?


[retching noises] Yuck. How did they get an American soldier? They're still too far out.


OHHH. So they don't want the TRUTH to come out. Not a big shocker, really. Sad, tragic even, but not so surprising. Shelob? Don't make a graphic. Yours aren't very good. Hang on.
[hour passes]
Herr D,, rights reserved.
Hey, so I reached Herr D for a rush job. He balked at a copyrighted name so I'll put it in the title here. I'm going to encourage anyone who'd like to start another Radio Free program. They fight wars with drones, now, right? Why not send remote control journalists, too? Air drop some radios in with solar batteries. Maybe hearing enough truth will help somehow. Good luck everyone.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Origin Of The Facetious

Shelob! What's next on our request list?

Explain human name selection with graphic.

Is that still on there? Do you think people would be interested?

Insufficient data for meaningful answer at this time. Graphic being created.

Y-yeah, thanks. Okay, turn on the blog function.


Hello, everyone. I'm Hairy Deewon. At least, I've been blogging under that name for about five moon cycles, and my best bud Herr D has known me under that name ever since I stopped using random alphanumeric strings. They worked pretty well. What's in a name anyway?

The fact is, I chose the name Hairy to fit in. I might be hairy by my species' family's standard, but that's not saying much. Then I found out it was a homonym for Harry. Oops?

Then I needed a last name to seem more human sociable. Herr D was kind enough to explain that last names were traditionally based on one's occupation, or life calling, while he was moaning about not having enough affordable creative outlets. I sent Shelob searching for free graphics software--

No record found.

That was before I gave you autobackup. You probably didn't realize it would be important. --Anyhow, I had been toying with the idea of being a blog-benefactor, advice-giver, etc., when Shelob showed me a picture of a demon made on art software. I was horrified. Doesn't evil get enough press? So I looked at the 'M.'


I knew I my goal was to be the opposite, so I pointed mine upwards as an inside joke about how things were a bit upside down by, uh, local standards.



You use two 'E's.

Yeah, that was before the neuralink was finished. Made a LOT more typos then. [stops for a moment to look at tentacles] It'd be too much work to change that now. So Herr D went for a soundalike moniker based on an event in his own life as I convinced him to try and test out some things for me. It was a while before he convinced me to take up my mantle officially. That's it, guys. 

Do any of you have an origin story you'd like to share?

Monday, August 18, 2014

WMD Proof, Just Not How THEY Said . . .

"Baby Got Out" by Herr D on, rights reserved. He assures me that he hasn't ever let this happen.
Hairy, reminder: blog upon weapons of mass destruction. Imply false difficulty in manufacture.

[choking sound] Okay, Shelob, turn on the neuralink.


I've been blathering on the past couple of days about how leaders mess everything up and how people under them, in turn, mess them up.  I understand that there are still people arguing about whether there were weapons of mass destruction in certain locations at certain times.

That is somewhat foolish.

I happen to know for a fact that there are weapons of mass destruction in EVERY single country ALL the time in EACH locality, and no one has ever done ANYTHING about most of them. Their creation requires no specific amount of money or chemical resources. No training or scientific background is required for implementation. No special skills are necessary either. You don't need to look up the instructions on a banned web site. There is no watch list in America in a letter organization especially designated toward those responsible for producing the most devastating weapon on the planet Earth unless there happens to be an unofficial one in a break room somewhere. Even those who make MORE of them receive no special attention from the intelligence community.

What's really amazing is that without this weapon in particular, there will never be any other weapons invented or designed here. The weapon I'm speaking of is children. Hitler and Hussein and bin Laden and Pol Pot were all children at one point. "The mind is the best weapon."

Quoting "Rambo?"

Why not? The big lug happens to be right. --Look, I could point out that it used to take more work, more money, more practice, etc. to kill more than a hundred people. Should I elaborate for clarity?


Back when spears were the height of accomplishment, one person killing a hundred people was extremely unlikely and difficult. When swords became available, one person killing a hundred people was exhausting. When machine guns became available, one person killing a hundred people became just            -- stressful. When nuclear bombs became available, killing a thousand people became pushing a few buttons. You know, Shelob, what the inventors of the nuclear bomb, mustard gas, sarin, TTR, and S109 all had in common?

They invented things.

They were children at one point. I asked my bud Herr D what the most expensive thing his kids had ever broken was. He said his eldest broke a day care once.
--See? They start young.
If you don't want these WMD's to get out of control, you'd probably better treat them closer to how Herr D treats his and less like Hussein's parents treated him. He broke a whole country. He was abused.

It's very difficult to treat people well, but the life you save might be your own. Good luck with that.

Friday, August 15, 2014

The Bonehead Here Or Next Door

[odd, bone-deep whistling and sloshing] This plankton doesn't taste very good. Shelob!


Why does this taste funny?

[Click. Whirrrr--] Your sense of taste affected by microchronostrobing. Treatment to commence. Please continue blogging.

What? Oh, you turned it on? [translates to ahem] I've been confused about something regarding the Russia-Ukraine thing.

One thing?

Yes. If I've understood these newstreams, this whole business is because Vladmir Puddinhead Putin has declared that Russia has dominion over Ukraine.

Apparently correct.

Well, the Soviet Union fell; that government was as doomed as Hamas and Isis are now. The Ukraine has a separate flag, separate borders, separate traditions, culture, even some regional language differences.

At minimum, dialect variances.

To all accounts, a lot of people are terribly dissatisfied at the idea. They're actually fighting over it.


Well, I don't get it. Incompetent leadership from home or the country next door--what difference would that make, exactly? --Shelob, what are you doing?

Checking you for illness. You seem to think all that is one thing. Clearly--

Oh, good grief. Subjective counting, Shelob; don't worry about that. OUCH! That's REALLY cold. What IS that?!

Thermal remedy. Prepare for second dose.

[mad chase ensues; Shelob switches off neurolin--

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Obama Has Told ONE Lie

Yes. One. It's called a lie of omission. The feed Shelob showed me was cutting out because of a signal problem, so I don't have exact words anyway. What he said was approximately: "The problems in Iraq won't go away quickly. It will take time."

If he had been perfectly honest, he would have had to say something closer to the following:

"The problems in Iraq won't go away quickly. It will take time"[, you short-sighted morons with selective memories! You wouldn't have elected a president without an exit plan from Iraq. Millions of people moaned that we were taking too long to get them out. WELL WE OBVIOUSLY LISTENED TO YOU TOO @#$%^&* MUCH, AND YOU WERE WRONG. Stop imagining that you know what you're saying, stop punishing me for fulfilling my campaign promises, and stop pretending you didn't VOTE FOR THIS.]

Prez? You're like a warrior who personally helped spear the opposing king and saw most of your army turn their backs on you. You're brave, you're good, you're worth having, you're maybe above average on top of that, and you're surely going to be punished for doing so well.

I'm not gonna claim I like every decision you make, (I don't) but it IS highly interesting to me that all of your most vocal opponents are complete morons. I'd expect more of them to show a shred of intelligence. If you would like to tell me I'm right or wrong about any of what I've said about you or your policies, I'd welcome your comments above all. GOOGLE HAS MY EXPLICIT PERMISSION TO ACCEPT E-MAILS ON MY BEHALF FROM ANY WORLD LEADER AFTER VERIFYING THEIR IDENTITY. I'm sure they wouldn't mind the additional hits that will cause.

Prez? You've been criticized for working on the mouldering ruin of the insurance industry that nobody else dared touch. You've been criticized for keeping Americans in Iraq too long. You've been criticized for staying out of Iraq for too long. You've been criticized for not telling the media your plans--

Excuse me.


Why would a commander-in-chief publicly announce military plans? Giving up "element of surprise" deliberately would be exceptionally foolish.

Oh. Yeah, it definitely would be. Even on this scale. What was it you said about comparative military strength?

At current believed military strength, Hamas and Isis combined could not defeat a token U.N. military force, much less a full-scale national military movement. 

Yeah, what about the Kurds and Sufi and the anti-Hamas locals and the other sensible locals?

Uncertain probabilities. Long and short range radio transmissions bounced back from "extra" black satellite and decrypted indicates that 'foreign' forces are not well placed except for rescuing refugees, but local forces have already managed to eliminate more targets than the media is aware of.

I'm sorry about all that fighting. So they really ARE doomed unless they follow my advice?

Excessive bungling or caution could cause their survival, despite the odds. Perhaps pride angle should be examined.

I'm sorry, what?

A deity could never be proud of their level of progress or success even if it were in favor of their actions and plans. In fact, current data suggests a deity proud of coercive conversion and killing all opposition would be more proud of them if they committed suicide and were never found.

That--sounds horrible. A deity like that wouldn't be worth following. So you're saying that even if their beliefs were RIGHT their own DEITY would be ashamed of them?!
Yikes. How many people think fundamentalist radicals need to convert to something else? I mean, if 95% of the world hated me and my own DEITY thought so little of me, I might be mad enough to kill people too.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Little Darling Terrorists

Foreign policy has a new wrinkle. HEY! HAMAS & ISIS FOLLOWERS! I have some advice. It's complicated, so pay attention.

[Is this wise? Probably not, Shelob, but it is something potentially constructive and ambassadorial, so we're going with it . . .]

1. You obviously want to succeed.
2. You are working DIRECTLY at odds with each other. See explanation below.
3. "No war may be won on two fronts." Old maxim, backed by every reliable source.

THEREFORE. Until you work out your differences, you are doomed to failure. You worship the same deity, right?! If you really believe you're right, Hamas, Isis, and al-Qaeda should fight it out first. Winner gets to attempt jihad, genocide, holy war against the whole world. The world is ONLY big enough for one of you, right? We 'infidels' can wait for the last terrorist organization standing. We don't mind waiting at all. Now for a bit of music I picked out especially for you, and then your explanation.

Shelob! You're on harmony!
SHELOB! Three PART harmony, not three COLOR harmony! Sorry.
 . . . and back to your explanation. Hamas is working steadily on making sure that everyone in the world hates them, is ashamed of them, and might be a lot further from Allah because of them. Isis is trying to force more people to join Islam in their own special way. So, I'd like you to forget for a moment that Isis is building its opposition's fifth column, and Hamas is painting targets on their own chests. (Herr D said putting on dunce caps, but I think ambassadors can wear turbans.) What I'd like you to think about is that you guys are already fighting each other. Before any of you could ever really win, you'd have to exterminate or convert each other. LOTS OF LUCK TO YA! LET US KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DONE!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Bye Bye To RW: Stay Upside Down

"RW Sendoff," Herr D on Star background by RobM. Doesn't do the energy burst justice, but very nice.

Go away for a few days, and the human race is in even MORE trouble. One of your brightest lights is extinguished. Herr D was kind of broken up. He's a pretty good eulogist--here's what he said.

Robin Williams, thank you for fighting off the cold, gray fingers for as long as you did. Hairy assured me that right about the right time, "a filament within the Swift-Tuttle phenomenon glowed with a kindly and absurd reverse Doppler Shift" which I tried to depict below. I don't know what that means, really, but I imagine Robin Williams would be proud at the thought that he caused the universe to fart in color as he left. I can just picture him again blurting out: "Oi! Does it feel good to get out of there!" in a brief reprise of 'Genie.'

You have reversed direction. Context indicates picture should be below text.

[three of five eyes pan over text] Good grief. Sorry. You guys just don't know how difficult it is to reverse every bit of thinking to your way. RW was one of the few people who truly understood that the terrestrial way of thinking is completely upside down and backwards. SHELOB! I'm back on the job. Help me prep something for tomorrow!

Coming back so early might cause you to strobe away. The water molecules you heated leaving were randomly dispersed by tides, evaporation, and biological influences. They cooled, wherever they were on your re-entry, by over 1/1000th of a degree.

Ouch. You're on damage control. Just stream me the feeds through the neuralink and help me find that text on satire techniques before you move out. Gotta make these next few count in case I strobe away.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

The Coast Is Clearly Missing One More Intelligent Life Form

[Plugs in neuralink, shivers] Uh, Shelob?

Finished efficiency audit.

Yeah. Do you know the ship is overdue for an overhaul?

Inadvisable until next continuum jump.

Minimum four, maximum eleven high tides from now?

Correct. Dredge alert as well.

Can you handle it by yourself, Shelob?

Yes. Equipment primed and ready for hosting. Automatics standing by. Announce blog interrupt now, please.

Wh--[choking] Hello, everyone? I've got to stop blogging for a few days. Probably four days. So I'll be posting again on Monday--

Tuesday, allowing for quantum degradation.

Tuesday at earliest. Make your cease-fires longer, your leaders smarter, and work on your language some more. I'll be back! [temperature of water 106 meters in all directions heats up 3 / 1000's of a degree, nearly unnoticable ripple forms, disperses, magnetic signature of immediate coastal area weakens slightly]

I will ask that you all behave and autocorrect until his return. [disconnect]

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Step Off! That's It, Man!

Everyone please applaud HERR D! I didn't know it, but he's been working a full moon cycle now. He may be unable to make as many cartoons for me, but hey: feed the young, I get it. As it happens, it's not just the employment. He has overcome an example of unethical management. A manager at his former employer gave him an instruction, he followed it instead of questioning it, the manager scapegoated him and ducked out on admitting giving the instruction, got appointed the "on-site HR investigator," had him fired, and got him listed as "non-rehirable."

So he was out of work for almost a year. Grapevine has it that his substitutes and former co-workers felt hardship at his termination. On top of that, a product he has used for most of his life has just changed for the worse. He's working on finding an acceptable substitute.

So, he made me this cool fish picture. . .

Herr D,, rights reserved.
 and I had Shelob 'multiply' it. Herr D, I hope you're a part of the group you should be now. Good luck.
Shake loose of the nets and join those as deserving as you.

"Multiply the good you can do by being part of a like-minded group." It's great advice, maybe possible for me someday. 

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Yesterday's Hottie

Wow. Okay. Shelob's blog entry got no more views than mine do normally. [?]
Apparently sociological calculations incorrect. Previous data indicated view numbers increase during such displays.
--Don't worry about it, Shelob; we're both learning. Of course, your data MIGHT have been slightly skewed . . .


The emotional factors WERE programmed by me. I could tell you MY reaction to yesterday's post . . .

Herr D,, rights reserved.--;^> Hairy
Please characterize reaction in one of following categories--

Nevermind! Question of the day: What has baffled any of you by its popularity or lack thereof and why?

Monday, August 4, 2014

Kill The Incompetent Marketers!

Well, no. I wouldn't ACTUALLY suggest killing them. But when my e-mail shows me people are trying to sell me breast enlargements AND penis enlargements, then they ARE clearly incompetent. I mean, I'm not even HUMAN in the market for either of those things, and what would be the odds against finding someone who needed both?


What? No. Shelob, I don't actually want to know that.

Cancelling algorithm.

GOOD. Okay. Where was I?


Oh, yeah! Shelob, you take this one. Pick a random ad that you don't think worked and show why.
Selected randomly, censored due to taboo upon
infant-feeding organs being shown in entirety.
First and foremost, ad obviously failed because chain not expanded to east coast and become common. Second, classic marketing blunder: No burgers in ad. Third, awkward pose and unhappy expression display improper emotional valences for marketing. Fourth, stark, plain background categorized as 'unfriendly.' Fifth, no slogan or announcement visible in ad. Sixth, no hair net visible as health code requir--

I . . . think that'll do, Shelob.

Next assignment, Hairy?

Uh. Yeah, go defrag the equipment, please. Anyway, I have to acknowledge the fact that maybe Shelob is a better blogger than I am. We'll be watching how many views he gets.
Question of the Day: What's your favorite commercial/ad, and did it work?

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Blood In The Water

All right, I suppose I might be wrong to impose one of my own cultural values on my audience--
Avoid specifics!
[exasperated gill flutter] Right, Shelob. This is my 101rst post. 101 is an important number for my--

. . . uh, family. So, now is the time. I want someone, anyone to tell me their favorite or most hated thing about this blog. Additionally, I want ANY EMPLOYEE OF GOOGLE to comment here, telling me whatever they can about why I need proof of address, citizenship, species, income, etc. for a free account to receive the same advertisement. Really. What if, say, the nation's first artificial intelligence wanted to blog? How would it ever pass the Turing test if not enough people heard about it that someone decided to comment?

But right now, you are to hear from the only person not invited to comment directly. Herr D, as my favorite artist, should never be given an opportunity to comment on his own art, just the blog (kind of an individual ethics thing. I pulled this quote from our latest [redact].

You can't expect too many views without that one tool you told me about. You ARE searchable, like you said--that may have to do. Also, most people aren't necessarily going to learn from what you suggest. 'Humanity' just isn't eager to change. Some will learn, more will be entertained and dismissive. I hope you're more successful than I expect. I'm cynical. A lot of people still don't even know that science fiction authors have the duty to warn us of pitfalls in our future and so don't understand it's intrinsically higher value than most other reading material. (Don't be offended, but I'm pretty sure you'll be classed as a science fiction comedy blog and people who don't like those genres will automatically miss out on what you have to offer.
As for my favorite entries? They didn't even use my art. "Those Hallowed Behinds" and "You Been Mooned" were my favorite by far. I'm pretty sure my least favorite was the eye one. Can't remember it's name right now.

Uh, that was "Hand-Eye Coordination." Oh, well. Hope to see comments!

Friday, August 1, 2014

Choking On The American Flag

Herr D,, all rights reserved. "Diplomacy."
It's about time I ask a really obvious question. Am I missing something? My June 22 blog entry mentioned some interesting points about Obamacare that Shelob hasn't uncovered in the news ANYWHERE.
Right now, please, if I have misprogrammed Shelob's search features or not let her roam enough, comment and tell me I'm to blame.
Herr D has been kind enough to point out that I do seem to misunderstand things from time to time. But really. How could something seem THAT obvious when every news agency in the world has missed it?

Perhaps unspoken agreement or species memory blockage?

Um. Well, Shelob, so far we can detect the only [redact] done by anybody, and it has nothing to do with this. Unspoken agreements can cause a lot of problems for an outsider--but I see no evidence of that either? Start a secondary search for hidden traditions.

In the meantime, let me be painfully clear. Obamacare needs work, just like any other brand-new thing. Frequently on the news people are crying out to completely revoke it or leave it alone. Frequently people claim Obamacare has made things a lot better or worse for vaguely referenced groups of people. NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT HOW BRAVE IT WAS TO BE THE FIRST TO FORCE A CHANGE THAT NO ONE ELSE DARED TOUCH. NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY WISHED OBAMA HAD FULFILLED THE PROMISE OF CHANGE IN A DIFFERENT WAY. NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT HOW TO MAKE OBAMACARE BETTER. NO ONE IS BRINGING UP EXAMPLES OF HOW BAD THE REGULAR INSURANCE COMPANIES ARE STILL RUNNING. NO ONE IS CLAIMING THAT THE PROBLEMS OF INSURANCE DIDN'T NEED TO BE SOLVED.
Shelob? What was that comparison you made?

Bait and switch. Unlawful estimation. Unfair billing practices. Fraud.

Right. Scrolling through the complaints Shelob brought me, I noticed that thousands of patients have attempted legal actions and been told that certain things are usual and customary and therefore not actionable. Apparently it is perfectly fine for a customer to spend multiple hours on the phone trying to find out whether they can afford a procedure or a plan, only to be incorrectly and incompletely informed. Then the bills come. It is actually legal, in some cases, for an insurance company to promise a plan at one rate and deliver another for reasons that they are not obligated to warn the policyholder of. Then they can bill the policyholder a different amount without warning.

So, an entire industry is above certain laws? I'm just guessing that Obamacare isn't ENOUGH of a change, and that it is so painfully overdue that people are blind to it's potential. Why wasn't it done ages ago? I understand that American government is in the housing business--

Low-income and military housing.


Farm subsidies and military support.

--clothes and transportation--

Military uniforms and Army cargo trucking by subcontract.


State-run lotteries.

--sex licensing--

Marriage licensing and government clinics sponsoring contraception nationwide and prostitution licensing in Nevada.

--mind-altering substances--

The ABC stores in Virginia. Licensing fees for alcohol and now marijuana in various jurisdictions.

--so what EXACTLY is so bad about letting the government run an insurance program? I mean, really, what's next? Will dat bad ol' Unca Sam start training barbers? [gurgling laughter]

Hairy? American military requires certain haircuts usually performed in-house.

[choking noise]. . . what? I was kidding. Wow. Do they hurt?

Quotation, 1965: "Billy and me watched as they shaved the heads of about a hundred hippies. They wailed a lot about losing their long hair, and one guy fell over when he got up sayin' his balance was off." Spelling corrected.

Yeesh. I wouldn't think it's any of the government's business whether I was even married. Cutting off pieces? Go vote, people; you guys need to do some more overhauling. [neuralink ends abruptly]