Friday, October 31, 2014

It Was A Great Party . . .

[strobing in] Hah. I DID celebrate Halloween before. SHELOB!


Did Herr D make heromachine likenesses of my old photos from Halloween?

Just one.

The party was great that one time. Herr D 'copied' an old photo of me and Rod.

Follow protocol.

Oh, [ahem] I would have loved to party down with Rod Serling, but our masks of each other wouldn't have fit I'm not old enough to have personally met him.

Who would you like to have met personally but never could have?

Thursday, October 30, 2014


Shelob? What did you say? I couldn't hear you.


Yeah, I still can't hear you. [neuralink-activated subroutine verifying blog function as 'on'] I seem to be having a LOT more interference than normal with the electronics here. Whole lair is frizzing out--and not a clue why. Herr D is incommunicado, health problems, apparently. I can't seem to fi--


--lob is having trouble too. [checks neuralink, double-checks battery, adds secondary battery pack, swaps primary] My chronometer is offline.

Oh, well. Today's topic should obviously be overdependence on electronics. How many of you could do your jobs without them working? Let's just say the HVAC units and oxygen regulators on your building worked--


Sorry, Shelob--didn't get that. Stop transmitting and locate the problem.

Let's say you're comfortable but your phone, net, satlinks, and anything with a digital panel just stopped for the day. How handicapped would you be? I know that retailers have what they refer to as knucklebusters for processing credit card transactions, and anyone could figure out how to use an abacus given time. How about it? Obviously blogging is out. Which occupations are hopeless? Why?

Mmmf. If my chronometer isn't working either, then maybe I'm strobing, or preparing to--

[unintentional disconnect error]

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

We Can't Kill Them, So Let's Try To Starve Them Out

[gurgling laughter] Shelob? Who ARE these people on this newsfeed?

Not news. Those are assorted ads for lawyers from late night television. Referred to as 'ambulance chasers.'

Do they know how funny they sound?


"Be careful after your accident!" [giggle] If a person was more careful BEFORE the accident, the accident might not have happened!

Hence cutting into the lawyers' profit potential.

"Don't sign anything!" Like your hospital check-in form, your refusal of treatment form, your statement to the police? Who gives bad advice like that?

Lawyers, apparently.

[downright raucous laughter] Look! This one's got a celebrity spokesperson! It MUST be a great firm--it's gone where no actors have gone before!

[rapid blinking as gills expel violently, begin to re-regulate] Oh, my. I guess the best advice is to not need the help of anyone who advertises like this. Just whatever you can do, or not do, to NOT need the help of any of them. Good luck, everyone.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Please, HMO's, Cancel The Hit Out On Hairy


Yes, Hairy.

Did those states legalize marijuana?

Yes, Hairy.

Is it safe to come out now?

Emergency frequencies not significantly more active than normal for this time of year. 

What about reefer madness?

Web sources indicate it does not exist. 'Cutting' it with dangerous drugs could cause problems, of course.

Were there any gun battles with cartels?

Any fighting in this country must have been limited to whether to legalize.

I don't get it. What was the big deal then?

Perhaps criminal organizations were attempting to protect their profits?

Now that's absurd. That would imply that those people against insurance reform were-- [all five eyes widen] --um? I've been attracting too much attention. [all eleven tentacles stretch out, start checking the walls] Shelob? Do a security sweep. Then inform our blog audience why I'm not blogging today. I'm going to stay REALLY, REALLY QUIET in my cocoon. [turns off neuralink]

[rapid access of certain file] Hairy has been ingesting too much silt and been exposed to too much sunlight of late. Medfile says this can cause minor paranoia. Rest will eliminate issue. No blogging today. [disconnect]

Friday, October 24, 2014

501c3's, Fees, Fools, Forms, Foibles, And Flabbergastion--Flabbergasticals?

--I'm just flabbergasted. I can't believe it. This controversy in California? It's ridiculous. It SOUNDS like a big deal, but--

Please reiterate. Interference from time jump confluence waning now.

--it's not the same thing! What?

Please repeat.

Oh. Several clergy are up in arms as well as certain businesses.


Haven't you screened those newsfeeds, Shelob? Lawmakers in California snuck something through that means that churches have to insure their workers for abortions.

NO ONE is saying they have to HAVE abortions. They have to pay the same premiums, use the same plans, etc. Shelob? Research. How much is an abortion?

[sixteen seconds pass] Depending on specifics unavailable to the public, abortions may cost as low as $115.00 for qualifying individuals. Certain rare cases may be $10,000 if done in a hospital. Apparently they usually range from $300 to $700.

How much is a birth?

[sixteen seconds pass] Data sources less conclusive. Rare occasions have midwifery accomplished for free. Certain specialized NICUs run over one million dollars per child, including medevac and isolette. Apparently usual range is $4000 to $6000.

Yeah. So, yet again, ongoing life is more expensive than death. Woo hoo. [sarcastic victory undulation]

So, this is a problem?

Yes, it's a problem! Clergy are acting like this is a moral issue when it's about MONEY. It's BOUND to cost more to insure people who can't have a cheaper procedure than it is to insure people who DON'T HAVE THE OPTION.

Clergy do not wish their workers to pay less money?

[sudden stillness, all five eyes blink three times] Shelob? Find out how much the premiums differ and how much they'll go up. Do an -uh- amortization.

Differential payment schedule for multiple plans?

Yeah. Include putting up for adoption. I'm gonna go try to reach Herr D.

[ . . . three and a half hours later . . . ]

--ood luck with that, man; and thanks! [disconnect from hacknet device] SHELOB? What've you got?

Answers do not compute. Insurance is not logical.

Yeah--Herr D was just telling me about that. He says I was far too light on Obama's critics because if Obama had been allowed, he would have changed a lot more than he did. That things were horrible before, and that the new system just isn't UN-broken enough. . . . So, you don't have a good answer?

Data too obscured and incomplete for meaningful answer at this time. It does appear that the insurance industry needs more work.

Well, okay. I have to assume that if not now, that SOMEDAY people will pay lesser premiums for less expensive procedures. At some point, clergy will have to rely on their own people to take charge of their own souls and any souls that may exist and be dependents and fire their people if they discover hypocrisy.that they can't live with.

Take the following example: Suppose a church exists that believes that there is an angel out there whose sole purpose is to occasionally slip an 18-point card into a deck of cards. It might sound stupid to some of us, but belief IS more important than money to many people. This belief could affect their behavior at the blackjack table.

'Blackjack Believer' custom-made by Herr D on See what I mean?--Hairy       
So, if people are gonna gamble, they'll just need to take their beliefs into account, right?

Is gambling here a metaphor for sex?

It is. Personally, if I ran a church, I wouldn't look forward to discouraging people from sex. I like people around me to be in a good mood!

Herr D also assured me that it is perfectly legal and reasonably common for organizations to have employees sign a piece of paper saying that they won't act in certain ways if they want to keep their jobs. Let them print up some of those forms!

And on TOP of all this, Herr D said he saw a bunch of picketers this morning with signs that said 'If you want to keep your doctor, change your senator.' He had this to say:

I guess people have forgot. I couldn't keep my doctor BEFORE Obamacare. The insurance industry has been so screwed up for so long that my empoyers would switch plans sometimes YEARLY just to try to keep from paying too much money and to deal with employee complaints about how awful al of it was. I'm tired of people acting like it's worse now.

He is obviously tired. He's making typos and grammatical errors. I'm going for a nap too. [disconnect]

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Silt In The Lair, Sexy Costumes

Yowza. [All five eyes glued to screen, tentacles slowly netting plankton and debris manually into sortation device]


[voice from speaker directly under screen] Here.

Oh. I keep forgetting you can do that. How common is this Halloween thing?

Holiday or movies?

[choking sounds] The holiday. Why did you even let me watch those? You know violence depresses me--even if it IS, as you suggest, a metaphor for backward thinking.

You asked for metaphors on resurgence of chronic societal problems. Holiday is annual event.

Have we been to one of those things before?

Machine travelogue scavenged from ship wreckage indicates you have. No record of Shelob having been designed yet.

I'll have to look through my old photos and jog my memory. It looks like fun. This costume site has some pretty models dressed as lobster, jellyfish, octopi--I mean, wow! Yes. You asked for evidence of interspecies fetishism in population. Fetishism for mermaids much more common. You asked for reminder to blog.

Look at the claws on HER! You know, Shelob? I don't really understand why any species that spends so much time in close proximity to one another wouldn't feel grateful enough to just mate and dispense with most versions of variety. [one eye lolls around away from screen to see debris wafting in through crack in wall] Uchhh. It's getting in again.

That question?

What? [agitates net filters] People are so lucky. They aren't stuck trillions of miles and hundreds of years away from each other--so why all the trappings and specific rules and objections and other specifics about mating? [irritatedly clears silt from one eye] Shelob? Can you take care of this? I'll be in my bunk.

Noted. [mechanical eye turns on, watches Hairy climb into 'cocoon'] //pseudoJava //FakeLisp //blogentry subject: variety in mating record from timestamp 96981503 blogroutine NoPic


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

DIY Home Repair Of Pundit Disinformation, Edited By Shelob

[indeterminate banging] Shelob? Where's the thing that fits this thing?

[Mechanical arm activates, retrieves sunken 17.5 mm wrench equivalent from debris at bottom of silt mound, returns it to longer red tentacle]

Thanks. [several seconds pass] Shelob? I don't understand what [name redacted] was saying on newsfeed 27e47r34 from this morning. [sounds of plastic bolt turning against titanium bracket] It sounded good but didn't really make any sense at all. Can you double-check where he went to journalism school?

[sixteen seconds pass] Journalism studied in various classes at two colleges. Both in good standing, accredited. Grades acceptable. IQ scores acceptable.

Huh. [sound of plastic bolt snapping] #$%^&* Shelob! Another bolt, please. Where did we find these, anyway?

Municipal dump. Supply run for miscellaneous parts in August. [extends next plastic bolt to fluttering blue tentacle]

Thanks. What is this intended for anyway?

Held toilet seats onto toilets.

We did clean these, right?


Okay. So that newsfeed WAS of a journalist with proper credentials. [resumes background sound of wrench turning plastic bolt against titanium bracket] Is there some reason I don't know of that what he was saying was chock-full of logical errors and disinformation? I mean--he was worse than most of the ones I've heard recently.

Perhaps his title.

His what?

He qualifies as journalist but is working as pundit.

[all four eyes not watching wrench dilate] What's a pundit? [bolt snaps] @#%^&! [fifth eye dilates, three eyes constrict, wrinkling translatable as frown]

Quick web search found following:

 person who offers to mass media their opinion or commentary on a particular subject area (most typically political analysis, the social sciences, technology or sport) on which they are knowledgeable (or can at least appear to be knowledgeable), or considered a in said area. The term has been increasingly applied to popular media personalities. In certain cases, it may be used in a derogatory manner as well, as the political equivalent of ideologue

EDIT: By Herr D's explanation, this information is to be credited to public use site found by and essentially identical information found by

[large silt disturbance, 'frown' deepens, all eleven tentacles thrash for two seconds] Are you SERIOUS?! He's allowed to be known by his journalism creds when he's doing OPINION pieces? When no genuine news show or news mag or news 'zine or news site or newsPAPER will publish him outside of his OWN SHOW?

Apparently. No FCC, or any other organization has pending legal action against him at this time.

Wait. You already know this?

Requests made include finding civil or criminal matters regarding slander, libel, fraud, etc.

Huh. . . . give me another bolt, please. [watches Shelob controlling arm for a moment] Thanks. You know, it would be awfully easy to accept such complete nonsense if it sounds that good by a purported expert. For anyone!

You don't need creds or even common sense to be a successful pundit, right?

No. Success is judged by ratings. Like success at being a blogger.

Right. [sound of wrench resumes] --Hey! Our views are increasing!

From analysis, perhaps too much intelligence and not enough scare tactics for blog success.

Uchhh. [wrench sound stops] That'll have to do. If I could come up with some great picture or metaphor for this, it would make a great blog entry all by itself.


For, well, you know--this. [circular tentacle waving] This nonsense about how a person can appear to be well-informed when all they are is opinionated. How they can sound and look like their views are based on solid fact, [thumps wrench on rock twice] but it takes a keen mind to see that their whole world-view is messed up. [takes filter and manually clears a bit of silt from the water]

[thrashes wrench equivalent around in frustration] You know--uchhh--like their opinions aren't so solid. Like maybe they're too fragile?

Like a plastic bolt used to hold together a titanium and tungsten-carbide silt and plankton filter for the purposes of nutrition and water clarity. When its intended purpose was to help prettify the disposal of excrement.

Yeah, something like th-- [sudden stillness]

Hey, not bad. A pundit is someone who seems to feed the news and clear the issues up when he's really just spewing a load of s---. I like it.

Shelob! Put this conversation through. Let me know if I need to edit it for the blog.

Noted. [disconnect]

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Commuter Capitalists, Karmic Lack Of Confidence In Corps, Common-sense Contracts

Backgrounds from It IS fairly easy to use. HD
[dull metallic clunking noise as  Hairy nests three plankton basins, shakes tentacle pointing at screen] Herr D is apparently in need of a sabbatical. Siesta? Something? He's 'begging off' (his words) a lot more often than normal, citing a bad season. Hopefully he'll be back available soon. Shelob? What did he mean?

Projected temporary overload or minor health concern or both.

Oh. . . . [translates to 'I wish well'] I just got back five days ago--



Today is Tuesday. You were improving the silt filters yesterday and lost track of time again. You also strobed twice, not noticing.

I forgot to blog Wednesday?

Monday. Tomorrow is Wednesday. We are maintaining the calendar--

What? Oh, #$%^&*. Okay. Turn on the blog function.


A topic I've been meaning to ask about is domestic location.  Now I know that people just have individual preferences, but I'm actually fascinated at how people arrange to live various places. Some people deliberately choose to live in tiny, loud, living quarters so they can be crammed closer to other people. Other people choose to live so far away from everyone that they won't survive for an ambulance to reach them if they call 911.

I'm guessing moderation isn't in fashion?

The whole business of city and country confuses me completely. Shelob, is it necessary anymore?

Uncertain of question parameters.

Transportation, Shelob. I'm talking about transportation. Why should people rely on such things as the internal combustion engine for distance and acoustic tile and 'space-saving' plans to make their living quarters acceptable?

Researching known alternatives. [sixteen seconds pass] This nation is experiencing a need for economic bolstering and infrastructure reform and innovation as you have stated. Transportation programs are historically successful.

Ooh! Like? [reaches for fourth plankton basin]

The current interstate system served such a purpose during its creation. A government program created jobs, improved transportation, enabled more successful commercial trade over greater distance, and made possible long-distance commuting.

I doubt people today would go for such a massive government program.

Projected for lowest government presence involves four things. 1. Standardization 2. Incentives 3. Scheduling 4. Arbitration

[reaches for fifth] That sounds good. Explain that.

Minimum standards and identical specifications per unit.

Wait--[five second neuralink burst] Choose maglevs. Update and resume.

[translates to 'processing'] Current interstate system would gradually reassign certain lanes. Standard rail size, car size, etc., would be on file. Standard fees and quality specifications (tensile strengths, etc.) for completion would be set. The first company to deliver minimum starting supplies and prove minimum workforce available would get each unit assignment. Rails and stations and trains would be examined and approved. Payment on completion. Substandard product will be returned unpaid. Vendors of food and temporary housing, etc., would capitalize on workforce.

At need, military bases could provide emergency services and assistance, including logistical assistance. The Army Corps Of Engineers--

WAIT! . . . weren't they the ones that designed the levee system that failed in Katrina?


Maybe there's an alternative for that part. Go on.

Judicial system in place can arbitrate in situations that may arise.

Because the lawyers need a cut too. Okay. Does anyone have a suggestion to improve this plan? I'm going to do something unusual right now. I'm gonna say DON'T comment if all you want to say is something useless like "It'll never work." Good job, Shelob. [belch] I think I ate too much . . . [disconnect]

Friday, October 17, 2014

Give A Hoot, Fan Out Your Commute

Okay. So here's something, Shelob. Why is that awful crowd in the morning called a rush hour? It's longer than an hour and everyone's moving too slow.

They are hurrying at the same time, overwhelming the available space. The time is a vague reference like 'world' for individual experience or 'man' for humankind.

Good thing I left you on 'destroy aphorism' mode while we moved. So everyone wants to be at work at the same time, huh?

Evidence suggests otherwise. Numerous complaints are available for perusal on social media.

Did you just say numerous? You didn't COUNT them?

You programmed me to stop counting at 1,000,000 if there was no specific number request.

How many references did you count?


One guy enjoyed his commute?

Specifically he enjoyed watching a woman change clothes in the back of a cab beside him.

Did he stream video? [quick scrabble for neuralink adjustment] Awh, man.

I need more practice. --Hairy Deewon.
So, no one enjoys their commute. Why do they do it?

No reason why specifically posted. Preliminary research suggests mindless tradition.

Are there other options available?

Many well-run companies encourage telecommuting for logistically feasible positions. Service and labor positions frequently encourage 'carpooling,' shared rides--

No! I mean--why don't they go at other times?

Time travel has not been officially invented by humanity.

No. No-- I mean, why would people only open their businesses at the same time? [quick uplink, one hour passes] Herr D says that you've had electric light for about a hundred years. There's no reason why all businesses couldn't be open 24/7?

[sixteen second web search] Approximately 20% of human population might be negatively affected without regular exposure to sunlight. Varying degrees of Seasonal Affect Disorder and vitamin D deficiency-related illnesses, sleep disorders, exist in humanity.

That's all? Yikes. Shelob? Project benefits of 24/7 society. [brief interlude while making graphic]

Ease of commute to eventually lower traffic accidents. Medical community to improve as more workers become willing to cater to them and be more available. Thousands of jobs temporarily available as acoustic tile installers. 

Excellent! Someone get to work on that, okay?

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Tell Us Whether This Picture Is Scary . . .

"Your Turn To Tell The Leader," by Herr D, made on hero-                                                                         
Just a quick question today, guys. Herr D asked me to find out whether anyone would comment on whether this picture was scary or not. I'm really not so scared of the unknown, having seen far too many instances where the unknown was even more irrelevant, insignificant, and downright pointless than the known, despite what individuals feared.

Herr D insists that the unknown is normally scarier to hu, uh, to people because modern C.G.I. makes it possible to see illusory frightening things of all kinds at anyone's convenience.

This picture, therefore, should be VERY scary to the thoughtful kind of person who fears the unknown. Let us know, huh?

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Test, Test--Shelob? Is It On?


Is it working?


Oh, good! I've got to be more careful about my comings and goings. That diver got WAY too close. Moving took an entire TIDE longer than I thought, too.

You didn't factor in time looking at the Spice Channel.

My research? [looks around innocently] You know, when people look at the mating habits of other species, it's called naturalism. When people are the subject, they call it porn--I don't get it.

From emotional reaction, reason is significant. For you too.

Sentience makes it more interesting. An aphorism from my, uh, hometown is: "The mind is the most sexual organ."

Are you concerned about oppression issues?

No. In theory, people could stop making porn if they wanted to. There's enough on file in multiple formats to keep the industry alive forever. There are three reasons to make porn. The best reason to make it is that you want to. Amateur hour has its very own market now, from what I can tell. Exhibitionists could very easily have an enjoyable career if they become popular and get in with the right group of people. The second reason is the money. Some people join various roles of 'less respectable society' because they can make so much more money without working harder or in ways that they dislike more than other jobs.

It's the third reason that can be troubling. Some people believe they can't do anything else. Well now. Some people ARE gullible enough to believe the insulting nonsense that naysayers claim. Fact is, most people can push a broom or drive a riding lawnmower or wash dishes competently enough. Every society NEEDS people who can say the local equivalent of, "You want fries with that?" three hundred times a day.

What's worse is that human society, even America, has a problem with status infliction.

Status seeking?

No. Status INFLICTION. Street sweepers are treated as if they are less important than executives.
--I've got bad news for all the CEOs out there. Companies can get by without a CEO. Lots of them have and were more successful for it. Without the janitors, companies can't keep operating.

Yet--people can't support a family of eight with one 40-hour-a-week janitor's job?
That makes absolutely no sense at all. How would YOU arrange things differently?

Thursday, October 2, 2014

I'm Pretty Sure It Wasn't A Jehovah's Witness . . .

Hairy told me to deliver the following:

"Is that diver--YIKES! Shelob? We gotta move again. This time when he reached the outer door, he bent his pry bar. Leave him some granite holes with rusty residue and fill this whole space with sand.

Activate the blog and let our tiny, tiny audience know we're looking for a new place. It'll be next week or week after that we can set up and start blogging again. Six days to a week, right?
Oh. Well, that's close enough."