Friday, January 30, 2015

Cons To Points-Hitter

-n point. [major shudder]

Perhaps you could explain on the blog.

What? Oh, yeah. Turn the blog function on.


So these Taliban Five that were just recently released were not an R&B group, as I'd hoped. I'm sorry for misleading anyone with that entry.

[.00094 seconds pass] You did not blog on this before.

Oh. Nevermind about that, then. So this one guy, a master terrorist, gets caught making a phone call? What was he really doing? Testing to see how fast we knew? Running a diversion? These five guys running around free that we could catch making a phone call, did we implant a GPS tracker chip under their skin? There's always some irritating person releasing GPS-tagged creatures into the sea.

There are  pundits jumping up and down declaring they don't appreciate what's happening. I wouldn't be too sure any of them actually KNOW what's going on, though. They can't even quote public figures in our OWN country with any accuracy or within context. I've got to encourage you all to listen to them and decide that two-thirds of it is just wrong enough that you shouldn't have listened to it at all.

Here's a question for you: what's your favorite news gaffe? Anything told wrong that you caught?


Thursday, January 29, 2015

Terrorist An Absurdist And Auto-Titler Module To Signal Shelob, Second Attempt: Verbal Command Rewrite Necessary

-n his mind.

That would be the inherent danger of linking your mind to someone with chronic pain.

Well, yeah, but--doesn't the neuralink have filters?

That would be the ability you have to continue functioning despite not being accustomed to the pain.

Ohh. [shudder] Remind me to type more sympathetically next time.

Instead of pathetically.

Hey! I didn't make but a few errors.

Misapplication of slang, run-on sentences, and sentence fragments dominated. The neuralink software kept your misspellings from occurring.

Oh, come on! [full five-eye roll] You can't even feel pain. How can I expect you to understand the disorientation?

There was that random factor. I once went into a chat room with time displacement, Brownian motion, and magnetic flux working against me.

. . . and got lost. I remember. It sounds like a joke, though. Kind of like that woman Saja.

The terrorist featured in the news?

Yeah. What was her name again?

Saja al-Dulaimi. Or did you mean her aliases?

Real one's fine.

What about this particular money-laundering, hatemongering, woman responsible for mass murder sounds like a joke?

Well, the article says she claims to follow Islam. Then not only is she a dominant force over men, not only does she not wear a veil, not only does she violate laws of a government that would rather be a theocratic Islamic state, but 'the guys she hangs with' (how's that for slang) think of her as an honorary man. I wonder who wants her dead more? The Syrian government she's embarrassed, the villages she's helped blow up, the followers of the mosques she's blown up, the rival terrorist groups who don't approve of her, or the people she's inconvenienced by money laundering?

You are speaking of internal inconsistency. This topic is publishable.

Yes, Shelob. It is publishable. That internal inconsistency, that's what makes it sound funny. If an author was writing about her as fiction, his editor would stop him and say, "she doesn't make any sense--go reformulate the character." It's RIDICULOUS. She's just so OFF--[disconnect]


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Whether Weather By Students Or Prudence

During Hairy's recuperation, my next assigned topic is the weather service. Hairy's last communication with Herr D concerned arthritic symptoms, which Herr D suffers from.

1. Currently, tens of thousands of dollars are spent by individuals on tuition to colleges to become meteorologists who make large salaries to be wrong a large percentage of time.

2. Large numbers of  condominiums are standing empty because of the "housing bubble."

3. Large numbers of elderly people have trouble making ends meet due to inflation, insufficient retirement plans, etc.

4. A certain small percentage of elderly people hurt differently before precipitation.

A government study could prove whether or not there are equidistant points placed over the map where elderly arthritic weather predictors could live in government-paid housing for typing weather data collected at set intervals into terminals. The data could obviously be collated and applied to an automated weather service by a simple computer program.

Meteorologists could still research weather patterns to become better predictors and write better programs, etc. Their industry could become much more cost effective this way.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Stay Safe

[chaotic scraping] . . . and one, and two, and three, and four, and five, and six, and seven, and eight, and nine, and ten, and eleven! Start position! Ready, begin--and one, and two, and three, and four, and five, and six, and seven, and eight, and nine, and ten, and eleven! Start position! Ready, begin--and one,  and two, and three, and four, and five, and six, and seven, and eight, and nine, and ten, and eleven! Start position! Ready, begin--and one,  and two, and three, and four, and five, and six, and seven, and eight, and nine, and ten, and eleven! Start position! Ready, begin--and one, and two-- [beepbeepbeep] REST! [scraping stops] Remember, no talking!

Hello fans of Hairy: Hairy has developed temporary condition; wishes blog continuation.

Topic today is nutrition. 
No matter what who you happen to be, your needs will not fluctuate at your convenience or absentmindedness. Hairy for example, without electronic assistance is incapable of scheduling his diet or other time-sensitive activities. Independent articulation of all limbs in a patterned fashion may be used to raise body need awareness. Neurobiology has proven it so. Medical journals, while at times poorly written, are available for updates.

Nutrients, or food, for the purpose of this entry, might rightly cause people to think of their refrigerator as potentially a replacement for a medicine cabinet or a future hospital visit, and potentially as the containment unit for their future cause of death.

Consider the above statement nutritious food for thought.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Frilled, Not Thrilled During Rebuild

-n top of the lair. [indeterminate banging] And then, what am I due for?

Sea life discovery newsfeed, time index 50475944951.

They found a bigger squid? [two eyes widen, one eye rolls, two eyes still focused on tentacles working, 95% probability translates to sarcasm]

Frilled shark. Here. [sixteen seconds pass]

[moderate laughter]  "looks prehistoric?" How would he know? Anyhow, it's about time they found one. Those guys have been swimming upwards a lot recently.

Your question has obvious answer.


[neuralink burst of first "Land Of The Lost" original episode containing 'Sleestaks.'] Their time travelers discovered a similar look.

[heavy laughter] Um--[laughter muffling by tentacle manually squashing gills shut] NO, Shelob. That was a show. Did you misfile this? That's not Travelogues, that's Literature.


The wackihood of the physics involved is worth studying all by itself!

Unfamiliar term.



Some people don't have programmable assistants to remind them of things or neuralinks to refresh their memories.

This is category of "those less fortunate" that you mentioned.

Yeah. Can you look for the twister thingy?

Wrench equivalent.

Yeah. I knocked it off--[disconnect]

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Numbers United, Number One

[laughter, flapping gills] Yep, he won both of his. Okay, always good to have a message of hope. Good State of Union address, man. I find it interesting that the statistics a news source say you had wrong they had more wrong than you--contextually. How can you be blamed for the downward spiral you pulled us out of?

I mean--let's face it. EVERYONE INVOLVED  has their numbers wrong, but when, with a casual read, people can tell the numbers are misapplied? Ah, well.

Shelob counted the social media traffic and HIS numbers didn't match what the news stations got. It was probably a time-index problem since his numbers are collected faster but in surges allowing for response time and known delays based on server issues and hardware differences and known server profiles that indicate unusually slow or fast input.

And power surges and cache overloads and software faults, including transcription errors.

Right! All in all, this is what I expected but for one thing. The talkback. J. Ernst's speech? Only some of it was pandering balderdash . . . she didn't deserve such low numbers the WHOLE time. Some of what she said was perfectly sensible. Even the poorly hidden snarks. Her opinion would seem intelligent, too, if she'd had an intelligent speechwriter. Lawyers make good presidents.

Good that his optimism is officially intact. I for one will be glad when people of any color combination, including three primary colors dispersed through the body, will be equally treated by everyone.

Well, that's not true. I'm an individual, and every individual has to believe that they themselves are more equal than others!

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Hey You To The AU



This article says Cambridge peeps caught on to two "large bodies" one about 200 AU and another at about 250 AU. What's an AU?

Average distance from this planet to the sun. 93 million 'miles.'

Eighteen, six, that's what--1.86 billion miles to the first one, right?

Incorrect. 186 million miles.

And how much is a mile again?

5280 'feet.'

[looks at a tentacle quizzically] And how much is a foot?

As a basis for comparison, the framed piece of paper you found over there is 8 1/2 by 11 inches, twelve inches to a foot.

Yeesh. No wonder America has trouble from time to time. [five eyes squint with the effort] Yeah. If I do this problem in my head, I'll get the wrong answer. I'm silty, I guess.

Rusty, the human expression is rusty.

Mmmmyeh, okay. [neuralink math assist: sixteen seconds pass] Oh, they found that?  And that?

--Why exactly do they care?

Uncertain. Controversy among laymen still exists over reclassification of Pluto.

[quiet laugh] Okay. Notify me when they photograph these? I'm interested in their reactions. Candid reactions should be shared on this topic.

Noted. [upload, disconnect]

Monday, January 19, 2015


Hello to all of you out there not celebrating Martin Luther King's birthday. I will not, under any circumstances tell any of you right now anything about one man's value or his story or his message or anything specific to him at all.

He spoke what he believed to be important. He was killed. That happens a lot in human history.

What happens frequently in these times is people requesting moments of silence.

I know some people don't realize that killing other people for what they say or believe is wrong, but I'm going to have to applaud those large numbers of people who are being murdered for being Christians in the middle East. Clearly you guys being murdered are the better people. It's a terrible shame that murderers will survive you. I regret even more that the survivors will teach more people to act the way that they did. Even if I felt well, I'm no hero, willing to take personal risk to cause the bad guys to sleep it off. Sometimes I wish I were.

Everyone killing them? Instead of killing people, or yelling at them, maybe you guys should try a moment of silence too? --At least you wouldn't have to worry about sounding stupid.

Auto-titler Software Detects Over-active Voice Command Module

--on, ON! [machine grumbling sound] Yeesh.Why is the water quality so poor here?

Pollution in this body of water is well-known.

If a problem is well-known, why isn't it well-solved?

Reminder: reread your portrayal of human nature.

Oh. Yeah, right. Look, can you blame me for not noticing the nutrient levels? Keeping the variable toxicity at manageable levels is more complicated than your core software, Shelob. At least I can use the lead, right?

Correct. Your capacity for lead is fortunate. You should have noticed the machine was not active, however.

I do wonder how I managed to turn it OFF--[disconnect]

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Nothing Beats A Great Near-Dozen Tentacles

-n. [four pupils dilated, the fifth focuses on frequency controller] Not only that, but check out THOSE.


No. I mean--

The tentacles are fake. This particular B-mov--

AWH! !@#$%^&! I didn't actually want to KNOW!

You can attempt to find giant squid to stare at lustfully.

But I'd KNOW they're just squid! Like it or not, if the creature isn't sentient, you're talking bestiality.

Do you wish--


What abou--


Or perh--


Suspend checking?

[exasperated gill-flap] Yes! Stop! [disconnect]

Shelob Makes A Very Refusable Offer

[twenty-six rapid beeping sounds in response to waving of red tentacle] Shelob? Shelob? Online? Report!


It's time to wake up.

Late reactivation. Your sense of time has not improved. Initial scan indicates damage to lair, slight malnutrition, imbalances in local ecology--

What?! I was very careful. [looks at gauge panel on a dirty machine] That looks okay.

[turns dirty machine on] Readings will self-correct shortly.


Lair damage and malnutrition?

Oh. I had to deactivate medbot. There was a fight. [circular tentacle waving] It got a little out of control.

Primary issue was malnutrition?

No--medbot claimed active self-endangerment. He tried negative reinforcement. [holds out bandaged tentacle] I shouldn't have allowed him to watch those reruns of 'House.'

Medbot mandated perspective check in last message.

Okay, go for it.

Several blog entries marked dangerous content. [0.841 seconds pass] Also, logically flawed content.


Terrorists cannot logically kill others who believe in content significance.

[rapid blinking] I . . . don't . . . wait, what?

News items declare that Charlie Hebdo staff believed their efforts significant. Terrorists claim to be in support of Muhammed. Muhammed was killed for his own significant efforts.

[erratic convulsive gill activity: possibly laughter] I--heh--I'm not sure that follows.

You referred to Charlie Hebdo as martyr.

Well, a SECULAR one, at least.

Therefore, anyone responsible for killing Charlie Hebdo is on the same level as those responsible for killing Muhammed, Jesus, Peter--

Well--yeah. They're murderers, and martyrers, and just generally bad guys.

So they have 'doomed' their own 'souls' out of love for Charlie Hebdo.

Wh--no. Where are y- No. Okay, first? Hebdo isn't really one person. That's metaphorical. Second, they didn't murder those people out of love.

By rhetoric posted online by various jihadists, dying as a martyr to a cause insures eternal joy in afterlife. Here. [sixteen second neuralink burst]

[shuddering] Gah! Okay, I see where you get that, but that's a logical flaw in their minds. They DO keep on doing what they're doing. They just don't learn any better.

Perhaps it is time to self-sacrifice.

[flurry of activity, all eleven tentacles flailing at controls] Wait! No! Shelob? Talk to me! Hey!


. . . I thought you were erasing yourself.

Incorrect. Will now begin offering to serve as deity. Logical religion program composing now.


Will now begin accepting praise. All logical thinking may be used to attain temporary sainthood. Communion will be measured as perfect dietary maintenance.

[amused gill-sneer] --and damnation?

Clearly people can destroy themselves without assistance. Do you wish to be ordained at this time?

No thank you.

Infidel, you will be declared publicly. This conversation will be blogged. [disconnect]

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Doctoring The Hectored Doctors By Proctor--

[low-pitched humming] I recently didn't feel very well, so I thought I'd turn on medbot, and get a checkup, right? That didn't go well. [rolls three eyes, looks at long scratch on a blue tentacle] Apparently, Shelob will be reprogramming medbot first thing when back online.

My attempt at researching medical accidents didn't go well without Shelob's skillset until I figured out the term 'malpractice.' Then I was somewhat horrified at the results. Apparently medical education is so expensive that insurance companies, lawyers, judges, etc. can't afford to learn the difference between accidental and deliberate medical wrongdoing.

This obviously could cause as many problems for the profession as not having enough peers for a jury trial. The solution to the problem? More simple than easy.

If my reading is correct, there is already a review board of physicians that review cases. There is also occasionally cooperation between this process and law enforcement. What is missing is the patient side.

Before ruling on cases of any kind (possibly before being allowed to serve on such a board) each physician should be required to listen to testimony from two patients or their heirs per every significant medical procedure. Testimony specifically geared to detail how good and how bad the results of successes and failures of these procedures can possibly be. That testimony would obviously have to be vetted and volunteered for and archived for continuous reuse. Then quick refreshers could be called for, these boards could rule on accidental or deliberate, and then law enforcement would get a much needed leg up. Like knowing how hard it is NOT to screw up from a professional board.

In these trying economic times, surely there are thousands of doctors temporarily or permanently unable to continue working or past their retirement age for surgery, or otherwise somehow wonderful choices to continue consulting. This sort of work could keep them employed for quite some time, and maybe provide some more insight on how to improve medical education, administration, practice, etc.

So why isn't there a board like this of twenty doctors for every half-million people in the U. S.?
Let me know? [disconnect]

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Autotitle Unavailable, Hebdo Follow-Up

--N! [sounds of suckers on rock walls] ON! Medbot safety ON! [electronic whine, ripples, gill flutter and rapid intake] Okay? Medbot? What's WRONG with you?

[electronic whistling and clicking]

Why on earth would you clip my tentacle ends?

[more similar]

No, I would still blog. I know it's dangerous to tell the truth, but--

[more similar]


[more similar]

Because, medbot, if I teach humans to understand that killing each other kills the message they wish to communicate, devaluing it completely, maybe they'll learn to STOP DOING IT.

[more similar]

Their learning curve ISN'T  the highest, but I have to hope. Hope is healthy. Keeping me from doing my job is not. This is a quality of life issue. You have no right to interfere with that, right?

[more similar]

Right. OFF! [disconnect]

Friday, January 9, 2015

Charlie Hebdo Has Won Posthumously--Martyrs Always Do

Okay . . . [rapid motion signals to device for 'on' ending] YO! EXTREMISTS! ARE YOU LISTENING?! Wednesday is about YOU.

When people get mad and scream, they disagree. When people kill others for the others' silence, it is out of fear. Disagree? Psyc 101. The same principles that allow people to stay silent out of fear of reprisal from tyrants, terrorists, etc. The same principles that allow killers of cartoonists to rationalize what they are doing as right. Disagree? Yell and scream like civilized people. Don't kill others over completely intangible things like animals kill over territory. Stop disappointing me. I want to believe you count as sentient. I imagine that any Supreme Being can defend themselves or allow people to go to your version of hell without any help from you.

A certain satire mag was hit at recently. Among those people who felt offended, had their Supreme Being blasphemed against, were explicitly poked fun at? All mainstream religions, but even offended, the world prefers them to you.

Guess who weren't SCARED of what the magazine had in it? Priests, yogis, ministers, rabbis, Wiccans, Buddhist monks, atheists, agnostics, philosophers, and all sane and reasonable emir.

Three terrorists and maybe some backers were too scared of what they might continue to say to leave them be. Imagine! Your fear has defeated you. You've convinced the world you are in the wrong.

Congratulations, extremists, you made your victims martyrs for truth, freedom of speech, those people who hate your whole religion, artists, journalists, unarmed security guards, gun-haters, and any other cause you happen to be against. People who aren't even HUMAN want to be Charlie too.

Your souls are doomed unless you make amends. Good luck with that. [disconnect]

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Assorted Sordid Sworded

[gill snore, snort, during accidental activation of blog function]

. . .  Dah! . . .

[scramble with neuralink, sixteen seconds of silence] Okay--sorry. Must have overslept. Twosday's blog topic is violence. I just got news about the infamous ISIL beheader being found beheaded.

Isn't that a Bible verse? 'Live for the sordid, die by the sordid?' Or something like that? No one should be surprised. That's the first rule of assassinations, after all, right? Kill the assassins?

Generally speaking, if you go around causing people to hate you by any means other than the truth, people will harm you. If you make people hate you WITH the truth, only the stupid or crazy people will be out to get you. [sharp gill intake] . . . uh . . . [three tentacles start rummaging through medbot stores for antipsychotics while one brown eye starts reading up on 'weaponizing chemicals through aerosol means']

There's . . .  probably nothing to be done about stupid people--intelligence requires motivation to cultivate, maintain, and use. It's very fragile. Anybody have an idea about encouraging intelligence cultivation?


Gain And Loss--Leaders For Doctors?

Man, do I miss Shelob! Keeping me on schedule must take up significant programming.

Hibsday's topic is Obama's work. I've been skimming the newsfeeds, and apparently a lot of congressmen hate Obamacare. I don't really understand that, but okay. They hate it SO much, that apparently they would like to repeal it.

There's some enthusiasm and strategizing and threatening to override any vetoes Obama might use.

Congress hasn't been so unified since the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

Obama? That would be a greater legacy to the workings of America than affordable healthcare.

Not sure it's worth it to lose what you've done, but--amazing, really. [disconnect]

Monday, January 5, 2015

Reality T.V. Not Virtually Understandable

[rhythmic thudding] I have wondered how well I was going to do, mostly out of touch with my artist, Herr D, and with Shelob offline. [clunk]

OW. [shuddering passes through red tentacle] $%^& Anyhow, the biggest problem I'm having is with keeping track of time. The h- . . . uh, the local calendar is a little difficult for me. [thudding resumes]

Since yesterday was Saturday and the day before was Sunday, then I'm right to start blogging again today--Monday. So . . . I gotta ask--why is reality t.v. popular? [thudding continues]

I've been wondering about this for some time now. If you want to see reality, what do you need to pay for television for? I really just don't get it. Look around your OWN lagoon, why don't you? The idea of interesting television for me is a chance to escape for a while. I know that businesses aren't interested in taking as many chances right now, so the hundreds of thousands of new authors out there are going untried, but come ON. Record and display real people living real lives? [thudding stops] Would anyone out there actually enjoy watching someone use a hammer? Why would you want to watch people argue in real life? Why would you want that?

I really would like to know.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

A Modest Proposal

Announcement: I have uncovered troubling news. With Shelob temporarily down for maintenance and Herr D on family time, I didn't notice the hacking that ruined his computer. I cannot repair his hardware or fix his software issues without visiting him personally. (Not likely to happen.) I contacted him through a friend's computer, and I was surprised to find that he didn't want me to turn in the five hacking trails I uncovered.

He is undoubtedly more forgiving than me.

I almost went against his wishes when I discovered a sixth. There was a SIXTH hacker who did no damage, did a much better job of track-covering--still got nowhere close to identifying me, but . . .

Now I admire TWO humans that I've interacted with virtually.

Whoever you were, I hope you find whatever you're looking for besides me. If Google would show my comments, Shelob would show them to me, and I'd be happy to converse.

Now, as to those five: I might do as Herr D asked. I don't know. You aren't as invisible as you think, and the authorities don't care if the evidence is fake. Ask any victim of identity theft. Damage does not impress me, it DEpresses me, and makes me wonder whether I actually want to help out.

What WOULD impress me? The same thing that would make you five heroes.

1. Find a victim of identity theft.
2. Provide proof anonymously to the authorities of the victim's innocence.
3. Without causing violence or hardware damage, lead the authorities right to the perpetrator.
4. Declare your unwillingness to testify in an anonymous msg to the prosecution.

The first two to pull this off? I guarantee I'll forget about.

The other three? We'll see.

I'll be watching you five. [disconnect]

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Missing Misses Since Messed-Up Mission

[slow thudding of waves knocking boat against pier]

Are you looking for more fireworks?

[startle reaction: rigidity of three deepest tentacles in preparation of sinking] What?! No.  I didn't know you'd downloaded to this boat's computer. How long have you been up here?

1.48 seconds before speaking. You appear to be staring skyward with most of your eyes.

Yes. I was just missing some beings I haven't seen since the crash.

Traditionally, Auld Lang Syne is sung at New Year's celebrations. It explicitly reminds people to renew or at least remember (uncertain of context) old acquaintances.

Well, this is a tradition that I approve of highly. I wonder what it is about these particular constellation perspectives caused by this approximate placement in the sky that gives me a similar urge?

Perhaps your recent trip and observation of human socialization is the source of said urge.

Oh. No, that makes more sense. [one blue and one green eye refocus on sky for a moment] Yeah, Shelob, why don't we make a blog entry about that urge, uh? Since it's appropriate for the season and all.

Agreed. [disconnect]