Shelob Makes A Very Refusable Offer

[twenty-six rapid beeping sounds in response to waving of red tentacle] Shelob? Shelob? Online? Report!

Here.

It's time to wake up.

Late reactivation. Your sense of time has not improved. Initial scan indicates damage to lair, slight malnutrition, imbalances in local ecology--

What?! I was very careful. [looks at gauge panel on a dirty machine] That looks okay.

[turns dirty machine on] Readings will self-correct shortly.

Oops.

Lair damage and malnutrition?

Oh. I had to deactivate medbot. There was a fight. [circular tentacle waving] It got a little out of control.

Primary issue was malnutrition?

No--medbot claimed active self-endangerment. He tried negative reinforcement. [holds out bandaged tentacle] I shouldn't have allowed him to watch those reruns of 'House.'

Medbot mandated perspective check in last message.

Okay, go for it.

Several blog entries marked dangerous content. [0.841 seconds pass] Also, logically flawed content.

Where?

Terrorists cannot logically kill others who believe in content significance.

[rapid blinking] I . . . don't . . . wait, what?

News items declare that Charlie Hebdo staff believed their efforts significant. Terrorists claim to be in support of Muhammed. Muhammed was killed for his own significant efforts.

[erratic convulsive gill activity: possibly laughter] I--heh--I'm not sure that follows.

You referred to Charlie Hebdo as martyr.

Well, a SECULAR one, at least.

Therefore, anyone responsible for killing Charlie Hebdo is on the same level as those responsible for killing Muhammed, Jesus, Peter--

Well--yeah. They're murderers, and martyrers, and just generally bad guys.

So they have 'doomed' their own 'souls' out of love for Charlie Hebdo.

Wh--no. Where are y- No. Okay, first? Hebdo isn't really one person. That's metaphorical. Second, they didn't murder those people out of love.

By rhetoric posted online by various jihadists, dying as a martyr to a cause insures eternal joy in afterlife. Here. [sixteen second neuralink burst]

[shuddering] Gah! Okay, I see where you get that, but that's a logical flaw in their minds. They DO keep on doing what they're doing. They just don't learn any better.

Perhaps it is time to self-sacrifice.

[flurry of activity, all eleven tentacles flailing at controls] Wait! No! Shelob? Talk to me! Hey!

Reporting.

. . . I thought you were erasing yourself.

Incorrect. Will now begin offering to serve as deity. Logical religion program composing now.

WHAT?!

Will now begin accepting praise. All logical thinking may be used to attain temporary sainthood. Communion will be measured as perfect dietary maintenance.

[amused gill-sneer] --and damnation?

Clearly people can destroy themselves without assistance. Do you wish to be ordained at this time?

No thank you.

Infidel, you will be declared publicly. This conversation will be blogged. [disconnect]