Sunday, September 27, 2015

The Rope-A-Dope Pope

[recorded segment begins]

[batting away medbot's attempts to inject sleep meds] Fold UP, medbot! Go store yourself! I was LAUGHING, you obsolete obstinate oblong operator!


Explain laughter? [rotates one green eye toward Shelob's current speaker]

No. Explain source of laughter. That was a serious speech by an authority figure spoken of with surprising reverence by a majority of people, including people who disagree with the majority of what he represents.

The pope. I know that. [slaps medbot into the lair wall] He was addressing congress.

 Washington, D.C. 20510 and 20515

What? No! Addressing as in speaking formally to.

This is funny?

I have a context that makes it funny. [knocks medbot into a long spin and cages it with a plankton collector]

Explain context.

 Well, there's about sixteen hours of footage here containing pundits talking about the potential controversy of the pope addressing congress. In all that time, I think every potential national political hot button that could be pushed was mentioned. Every SINGLE thing that congress could argue about till they're blue in the face. Every thing that they've argued about with Obama.

Not certain of inclusion of--

Subtext! I get it, even if you don't. The point I'm making is that they were saying the pope would weigh in on topics in a way that would make various congressmen mad. Right?

That does appear to be the general prediction template. This is funny?

Not by itself. What's FUNNY is that at every point he spoke very little about absolute political stances or plans, and pointed out that they need to serve the American people with unity. DON'T ARGUE, JUST SERVE.

[three seconds pass] Did Pope Francis know he was addressing Congress?

[hysterical laughter, accompanied by lashing of tentacles] Good one! Good one! Anyway, good luck on not arguing and just serving! If they don't get their way, they get mad and go HOME! [derisive snicker] He got them GOOD. Point this out to our viewers, Shelob?

Transmission to be sent out shortly. [recording ends]

Friday, September 18, 2015

Herr D Is A Rice Man, Trump Needs A Safe Word, And Hairy Needs To Throw Up And Sleep

[recording begins with Hairy rewatching bits of political debate and swallowing small amounts of plankton]

[shaking with laughter] That was excellent! He saw it coming, though.


Fiorina turned Trump's words around on him. He was smiling, so obviously he knew she was about to get him. What's neat is that right before that Jeb sounded more presidential than anyone else.


He pointed out that accommodations for employees are to happen locally. He's thinking about the role he wants, and he's thinking about what he shouldn't be involved in. He's defined his role.

I thought you did not favor Jeb. 

Well, I don't think he should be judged exactly like his family or with them. I'm not sure he'd be as good as others, but he IS acting more like he's ready to be a president than everyone on that stage but Fiorina and MAYBE Kasich.

You are taking great joy in Trump losing face.

I don't really want anyone in particular, but he annoys me more than most of the candidates. I have particular sympathy for Herr D, of course, but . . .

Who is he hoping for?

Mostly he's just expressing regret that Condi Rice isn't running. She did seem smart and cool and prepared for anything in all those old clips you recovered.

You did declare that the major fault in human governments is that humans never put the best leaders in charge, but usually the most popular of the worst possible choices. 

Yeah, well, I did.

So the presidential hopefuls are each career equivalents of a dominatrix? The point of it for them is the prurient joy of controlling or even misguiding an entire nation?

[spits out a measure of plankton] Errrrgh.

[summoning medbot] Status report?

I'm all right, Shelob; I just imagined Trump in a leather corset. He's ugly enough as a . . . a PERSONA that I really didn't need that image.

Was synopsis inaccurate?

Yuck . . . [cleanses palate with a blast of seawater] Unfortunately, you're a little too right.

Will reconfigure synopsis away from religious right--

What?! No, that's not--

Presidential hopefuls are each career equivalents of a dominatrix-for-hire?

[one eye bugs out a little] Ironically, you may have gotten more accurate. Shelob? Go ahead and blog on this. [greets medbot and accepts sleep med with uncharacteristic enthusiasm]

[recording ends]


Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Every Third Pixel Of Internet Porn On Fire, Burned-Up Funny Cat Photos 98% Off While Supplies Last

[recorded segment begins]--So why AREN'T more people reading the blog?

Current data collected lends hypothesis.

What's that?

Blog is unpopular.

That's a bit circular, Shelob. You'd better correct that.

[point oh two oh six seconds pass during deliberation] Merchants claim that search engines are insufficient to find content. Suggest their services for retitling in ways that draw attention.

[hide rumples, approximately translates to mild and surprised annoyance] Not enough processing power in their AI's? Good grief. Our content is MUCH more important than some content. Shelob? Take a random sample and categorize it for me.

[sixteen seconds pass] Presentation manner?

Round to nearest percent and give me a list in order of activity category completion.
Communication, Business: 8%
Communication, Personal Of Apparent Significance: 11%
Communication And Viewing Non-Porn, Personal Of No Apparent Significance: 23%
Porn: 41%
Game playing: 17%

Hey. What happened?! Viewing with significance isn't even on there and porn dropped a good ten percent!

You reclassified viewing of "Those goofy cat pictures and non-pornographic funny junk."

Even so! We should be getting some of the forty percent of what people are doing that isn't really as important. We're doing MUCH more significant stuff than 'wasUP #$%^&*s?' and 'this boogey tasted better the first time.'


I'm--just too disgusted to write objectively. Shelob? Put together something for the blog and title it in a way NO ONE should be stupid enough to ignore.


[disconnects, starts feeding, porn search, and watching a rerun of 'Sanford And Son' while listening to Chicago local news. Mutters "That looked funnier," not noticing the sound and visual don't match up. Dozes off.]
[notes new health status, stops recording]