Friday, October 23, 2015

Speaker Selection Bungled, As Predicted By Shelob And Hairy

[underwater signal booster alignment check, process 56]

[recorded segment begins] . . . and somehow they managed to NOT know ANYTHING about how the State Department works? How did they think they were going to sound like they knew what they were doing? How did they think they were going to sound like they didn't deserve to BE on trial instead of putting someone on trial? How did they think they were going to sound like COMPETENT ADULTS? What did they think they were going to sound like?

Is the correct answer Republicans?

[flailing tentacles, dilated pupils, and sudden choking, hysterical laughter lasting 23.9 seconds] That was--that was GOOD, Shelob; good one!

It was the only question you asked that appeared answerable.

[vibrating of gills, indicative of laughter muffling] I sometimes forget how fast your processing power is and how accidentally funny you can be. Have you got any suggestions for the current political situation?

Joe Biden for Speaker of the House.

[choking, gill flutter] Um--you DO know he's Democrat, right?

Yes. He is also likely the most capable person currently in politics.

Um . . .

An elder statesman of proven ability to work professionally. Well-respected. Well-liked. Successfully works with both parties. Has what you refer to as 'stage presence,' charisma, je ne sais quoi . . . 

Those three things are the same thing, Shelob. Interesting idea, just; I don't think that's very likely. Why don't you blog on that?

Will. [recorded segment ends]

Friday, October 16, 2015

Hairy's Presidential Aptitude Test

[recorded segment begins in middle of hysterical laughter lasting 19.23 seconds, bubble cloud disperses] --oooh. I'm not sure what's funnier, the group of candidates, or the pundits!

You are speaking of the Democratic debate?

No, I --[more laughter] . . . I reviewed all the footage highlights I tagged as important.

So this is a holistic reaction to those ninety-six hours of footage?

[minor choking sounds] No, just most of it. When Herr D said the 'best and brightest power-mad lying dingbats available,' he might have been slightly harsh. One or two of the less popular Republicans are as classy and professional as the Democrats, and I'm fairly sure that three of the people running for president have above-average intelligence.

Out of 22?

Well, when you put it like THAT . . . [full five-eye roll]

Describe hilarity source?

Yah, sure! Several of these candidates talk about how popular they are and how well they're doing. Uh, count these for me, Shelob.

Point One: Claiming charisma.

Right. Then there's all this claiming that they know what's best for America. Policy decisions, that kind of thing.

Point Two: Claiming advanced utopic design capability.

Yes. Then there's all this nonsense about being tough on things.

Hard to chew?

No! Being tough on violent criminals, being tough on Iran if it cheats on the new deal thingy, being tough on ISIL, being tough on the Taliban, being tough on al-Qaeda, being tough with Russia--

This is nonsense?

Of COURSE it's nonsense! The president doesn't run out on the battlefield and beat the survivors with the Bible he's sworn in with. He tells the armed forces--

Content suggests negotiation as context?

Presidents don't do that by themselves either? You know what they do? Count on the cabinet!

Count the cabinets in the White House or in the Capitol Building?


The State Department?

NOOO! The cabinet's what the president calls his advisors! The point is, presidents aren't tough on anything except their staff!

Presidential aides?

Yah! And they order the troops into war with a PHONE! Who can't make a phone call?

Compile list of people without index fingers?

NO! [tentacles vibrate, indicative of frustration, long intake through gills] Enumerate.

Point Three: Claiming credit for others' work.

Exactly! So, we should probably figure out a test to winnow down who's acceptable for the job. Something that would actually test their aptitude FOR THE JOB.


Well, they'd have to learn which advice to take, and from whom, seem desirable, and get people to help them. So . . . okay! Give each presidential candidate a junky car containing two bodyguards, luggage with three changes of clothes, all their meds, a cheap cell phone without internet or gps capability, two ink pens, a pad of Post-it notes, $37.50 in change, a trunk full of randomly selected cheap plastic goods and a half tank of gas. Then disguise them so no one recognizes them or their bodyguards.

This is a cross-country trip?

Not really. They are each given a series of addresses to find, each at least ninety miles apart. At five out of six locations, believable but delusional people or compulsive liars are waiting there to give them their initial directions to the next address. At the other locations are people carefully selected for their accuracy and tendency to be mistrusted. They are ONLY ALLOWED ORAL DIRECTIONS OR DRAWN MAPS. This process is repeated until the car breaks down. The successful candidate will make it three more stops with very little backtracking and directional errors. The perfect candidate will then simultaneously herd eleven cats and three alligators across a small stream and into individual pens that smell like acetone. And have money left over.

The herding exercise--?

--will prove they can work successfully with Congress. This exercise will prove they have charisma, fortitude, resourcefulness, ingenuity, and know which advice to take from whom and when. Blog on this for me Shelob?

I will. [recorded segment ends]

Friday, October 2, 2015

Hannity Vanity

[recorded segment begins]!@#$%^&*(_(*)^&^%$#@! He beat the record!

What record?

Most logical flaws in one pundit's half-hour show! [neuralink upload] Seventeen beats out EVERYONE else! Even Greta doesn't get over eleven very often! [waggles tentacles in a manner suggesting humor] He blew it away!

[rapid examination of show and related news footage] Fourteen, unless you count irrelevant arguments as logical flaws.

[three eyes blink] Of course I do. Even so! I have to say, by the way, full eleven-tentacled salute to that sheriff. Glorifying murder is always a bad idea. Calling him the LCC shooter makes sense. Shelob! How did I put murder in perspective on the blog last? [medbot slowly unfolds, blocked from Hairy's view by largest red tentacle]

[beginning diversionary tactic of involvement] You stated that saving a life can require an entire team of paramedics, doctors, nurses, and support staff, but that killing someone can be accomplished by a mosquito infected with malaria.

Right! Where did Hannity get off hinting at time travel?

[six seconds pass] He did not necessarily mean Obama should have made his statements before this event, he was apparently of the opinion Obama should have waited until a shooting occurred that didn't offend anyone. [observes medbot drawing nearer with prepared sleep syringe] Perhaps a mass shooting in a prison full of pedophiles?

Oh. . . No, I'm sure that would offend someone somehow. So this whole thing is just him caring about getting more people to watch and believe him regardless of how he might mislead them?

That does appear an accurate summation of his current career.  

He's the opposite of me! I have fewer than a thousand viewers who get the truth when I actually BLOG. It's a shame my health isn't what it should be--I'd be blogging a lot more. But he's a pro, right? He'd make a lot more money as a salesman of life insurance if people actually believe half of what he says. He's dressed for it, too. Shelob? Put together something on why he acts this way. I hope he finds a profession he can be ACCURATE in. Th--[medbot administers the injection, Hairy goes limp]

[recorded segment ends]


Thursday, October 1, 2015

The Global Warming Controversy Solved Permanently In Three Oversimplified Steps

[transmission begins] Unusual lunar activity seems to have galvanized Hairy. He is in what medbot describes as "unusual emotive and compulsive state, with mathematical leanings." He specifically instructed that I present the following subject:

[recorded segment begins] --SHELOB!  . . . SHELOB!


[visibly relaxes all eleven tentacles] Where HAVE you been? The time-jump recalculations haven't even been started yet. You haven't even accessed the new data!

Working on urgent problem.

What urgent problem?

[direct neuralink download begins, and Hairy interrupts] --OW! I can't absorb that much data! What was that, the whole world-wide weather archive?

The first section and random samples for interpolation.

What is this even for?

Current arguments over global warming research and theory validity.

What. You mean that's in question?


Well, did you check their work?

Within current margins of error.

So, what's the problem?

Several important people claim that it is theory, and therefore, should not--

Oh, that. Well, they have a point. In theory, adults should act with maturity and wisdom, and look at the political arena. . . . sorry, Shelob. You're going about solving this the wrong way.

The mathematical and geophysical models were--

--the WRONG WAY TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM. You can't do it that way, Shelob. The average person is only of average intelligence. The people running for office aren't really much brighter than that either. They won't understand some of the math or the science. You're going to have to solve this a different way.


[brief pause, ending in full five-eyeroll] Tell everyone to forget the theory and not to worry over whether the Earth is getting hotter or colder or spontaneously turning pink! None of that matters. What matters is that they agree on three basic things--count off for me.


Poisoning the air, water, and soil is a bad thing.


 Less poison is better than more poison.


 Waiting until scientists tell you you'll all be dead from something soon is STUPID. Everyone needs to work on permanently lessening the amount of poisons made and improving how they are handled a little at a time, in manageable amounts, until it's your offspring's turn to do it for you. That way you'll be ABLE to keep having offspring and surviving as a species.

Solution noted. You wish this idea presented?

Y--[recorded segment ends, transmission complete]