Hairy's Presidential Aptitude Test

[recorded segment begins in middle of hysterical laughter lasting 19.23 seconds, bubble cloud disperses] --oooh. I'm not sure what's funnier, the group of candidates, or the pundits!

You are speaking of the Democratic debate?

No, I --[more laughter] . . . I reviewed all the footage highlights I tagged as important.


So this is a holistic reaction to those ninety-six hours of footage?

[minor choking sounds] No, just most of it. When Herr D said the 'best and brightest power-mad lying dingbats available,' he might have been slightly harsh. One or two of the less popular Republicans are as classy and professional as the Democrats, and I'm fairly sure that three of the people running for president have above-average intelligence.


Out of 22?

Well, when you put it like THAT . . . [full five-eye roll]


Describe hilarity source?

Yah, sure! Several of these candidates talk about how popular they are and how well they're doing. Uh, count these for me, Shelob.


Point One: Claiming charisma.

Right. Then there's all this claiming that they know what's best for America. Policy decisions, that kind of thing.


Point Two: Claiming advanced utopic design capability.

Yes. Then there's all this nonsense about being tough on things.


Hard to chew?

No! Being tough on violent criminals, being tough on Iran if it cheats on the new deal thingy, being tough on ISIL, being tough on the Taliban, being tough on al-Qaeda, being tough with Russia--


This is nonsense?

Of COURSE it's nonsense! The president doesn't run out on the battlefield and beat the survivors with the Bible he's sworn in with. He tells the armed forces--


Content suggests negotiation as context?

Presidents don't do that by themselves either? You know what they do? Count on the cabinet!


Count the cabinets in the White House or in the Capitol Building?

NO!


The State Department?

NOOO! The cabinet's what the president calls his advisors! The point is, presidents aren't tough on anything except their staff!


Presidential aides?

Yah! And they order the troops into war with a PHONE! Who can't make a phone call?


Compile list of people without index fingers?

NO! [tentacles vibrate, indicative of frustration, long intake through gills] Enumerate.


Point Three: Claiming credit for others' work.

Exactly! So, we should probably figure out a test to winnow down who's acceptable for the job. Something that would actually test their aptitude FOR THE JOB.


Like?

Well, they'd have to learn which advice to take, and from whom, seem desirable, and get people to help them. So . . . okay! Give each presidential candidate a junky car containing two bodyguards, luggage with three changes of clothes, all their meds, a cheap cell phone without internet or gps capability, two ink pens, a pad of Post-it notes, $37.50 in change, a trunk full of randomly selected cheap plastic goods and a half tank of gas. Then disguise them so no one recognizes them or their bodyguards.

This is a cross-country trip?

Not really. They are each given a series of addresses to find, each at least ninety miles apart. At five out of six locations, believable but delusional people or compulsive liars are waiting there to give them their initial directions to the next address. At the other locations are people carefully selected for their accuracy and tendency to be mistrusted. They are ONLY ALLOWED ORAL DIRECTIONS OR DRAWN MAPS. This process is repeated until the car breaks down. The successful candidate will make it three more stops with very little backtracking and directional errors. The perfect candidate will then simultaneously herd eleven cats and three alligators across a small stream and into individual pens that smell like acetone. And have money left over.


The herding exercise--?

--will prove they can work successfully with Congress. This exercise will prove they have charisma, fortitude, resourcefulness, ingenuity, and know which advice to take from whom and when. Blog on this for me Shelob?


I will. [recorded segment ends]