Not Online, None Of The Time; Has Anybody Seen My Pal

[pause in higher-speed processing for progress report]
As the views from France, Indonesia,  Sierra Leone, and Ukraine spike, concern has arisen.

1. Herr D has been offline for a record amount since 2012. 
2. Unpatterned behavior usually means tragedy.
3. No death reports nor unidentified males suiting Herr D's description have been officially noted in hospital records, official statistics, or police reports.
4. Known place of employment has not contacted police nor medical assistance regarding his whereabouts or condition.
5. Pinging heromachine.com has verified offline status repeatedly. Email has gone unchecked.
6. New protocols of employer, [redacted] severely restrict online activity. 
7. Known home hours have not resulted in additional online activity.

Action plan: contact Herr D through local server, unplanned, using alternate techniques.

Herr D's phone is currently located 21.5 cm from his laptop. 
Texting: Boot up computer, please. 

Answer: hairy isthat u

Texting: Shelob here. Please go online. Limited time to use this text number. Do not use again.

Answer: no net

Texting: Try in five minutes, thirty seconds. ENDTRANS

[chatbox opens at five minutes, fifty-one seconds] Your internet connection has been restored. Use in limited fashion for next twenty hours, then resume regular use.

Wow. Thank you. Malware took over. My security stuff wasn't enough. Should I run viruscide?

Checked. Look at most recent datafiles. 99.6748735% restoration has occurred. Possibly some errors in newer files.

My computer seems faster too. You did that?

Yes. 78.95648881% optimized. Your online activity has been missed.

Well, yikes. I'll . . . write something in longhand and post it later on. Thanks again. I should check my email and see to other promises.

You are welcome, Herr D. [disconnect]