Warm, Wet, Wonderful, Well-Wishes With Wit

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I've looked around. Those celebrating are doing a good thing. Those taking a rest were being sensible. Those gearing up to shop might be a bit gung-ho for me to understand, but, hey--I'm not supposed to get everyone. Mob those stores . . . yeh.

Gratitude is a very healthy thing. Being aware of the good in your life is a great way to stave off bitterness, depression, and anemone stings. Gotta watch out for those.

Shelob? Put me back in that matriarch's mind right after she says grace. I wanna feel that again! [disconnect]

HOLLERDAY SALE; Premature Mindsets--Free! All Must Go

[snaps awake] Hey, Shelob! What are all these feeds of people hurrying? The timestamps don't line up with rush hour? Has there been a nucleonic storm?

These are footage of people leaving for holiday and going to shop at sales.

It's a shopping holiday?

Debatable. [seven-second neuralink burst]

[twitching] Augh! Warn me before you do that!

Noted.

[eyes start darting in different directions] Wow. Time with the family versus time shopping FOR the family. This is something to argue about? There are cultures where giving objects is the only acceptable way to express familial affection. Spending much time with them being borderline criminal. There are cultures where giving objects to family is forbidden, and NOT spending time with them is borderline criminal.

Family and business are two such differing types of organizations that there will never be a peace between them. Either of them would take all your time if you let them, and neither of them will be perfectly understanding about the needs of the other. It's an outlook problem.

You know those people all over the news declaring that Ferguson's Michael Brown's death was something the police officer should be indicted for? Remember all those people declaring the officer had to shoot Brown? They're on opposite sides of an outlook issue.

Fact is, none of those people had access to all the facts before they made up their minds. None of them had access to the investigation, the files, the original evidence, the witnesses . . .

Yet they had an uninformed opinion. Everyone would rather believe they know what happened, but the fact is most of life IS UNKNOWNS. Very little of life is known. Humankind hasn't explored the oceans yet. You Humankind hasn't gotten further than the moon and only recently touched a comet with a 'droid. Doctors still practice medicine. Psychology is still psychology, not psychonomy. The average person isn't smart enough to build a computer or a microwave or live in the wild for a week or sail across the Atlantic solo--VERY LITTLE DO MOST PEOPLE SEEM TO KNOW.

Speaking for myself? I really HOPE that the officer is guilty of something, even if he acted correctly, because he's getting punished without an indictment. He may have to move. He may have to move friends and family. He might never make lieutenant--might need to pick another career. It wouldn't be all that unusual for his life to be ruined unjustly. That happens all the time. This world is a very unfair place.

What do you think is the most unfair thing you've heard of happening?

Leading By Example: Attempt #1

[hideous slurping noise, loud, long belch] Okay. So, Shelob? How did the president get a time differential machine?

Evidence suggests that he did not.

Then why did he make that speech after the Ferguson verdict was returned instead of before? That's the kind of mistake I make now, having been subject to time differentials.

Does resemble your errors. [1.18 seconds pass] Alternate explanations exist.

[Three eyes open wider] Okay?

Alternate explanation 1: He forgot.
Alternate explanation 2: He was late.
Alternate explanation 3: He was misinformed as to events, scheduling, etc.
Alternate explanation 4: He was naive enough to think there would be no problems at all, that people would consistently react in the proper manner.
Alternate explanation 5: He was hopeful enough to think there would be no problems at all, that people would consistently react in the proper manner. Then he saw footage and made the speech.
A--

Yeah, okay, I got it. [sigh] Looks like we have another edition--

News

Hello, everyone! This is Hairy, your anchor-dodging anchorthing, reporting. Obama released a speech after the verdict was returned from the Michael Brown Grand Jury in Ferguson. Why after? My -- uh, research consultant, Shelob, has a few answers. (Take it, Shelob!)

Alternate explanation 1: He forgot.
Alternate explanation 2: He was late.
Alternate explanation 3: He was misinformed as to events, scheduling, etc.
Alternate explanation 4: He was naive enough to think there would be no problems at all, that people would consistently react in the proper manner.
Alternate explanation 5: He was hopeful enough to think there would be no problems at all, that people would consistently react in the proper manner. Then he saw footage and made the spe--

Thank you, Shelob. And now the weather. [turns on voice scrambler, twists dial to pre-programmed setting marked 'bimbo' ]

It's no longer as cold today, back to YOU, Hairy!

[rapidly twists dial back] There. Now THAT'S how you report news. Just the facts, no repetition during broadcasting, explicitly say what is speculation and what isn't. AND DON'T TAKE SO FREAKIN' LONG OR REPORT IT WHEN IT'S MORE LIKELY TO CAUSE A RIOT THAN HELP PEOPLE MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS.

Personally, I hope Obama was late because of a combination of explanations 2-5, but hey--that's me being naive and hopeful too. I'm not going to go find out. [disconnect]

Same Bad Time, Same Bad Channel-Surfing

[with one eye on a pressure gauge, one on a temperature gauge, one on a small device held between two tentacles, Hairy twists slightly and eyes the large screen with two remaining eyes]

Shelob? Did you double-check these numbers?

Yes. Verified through multiple servers. Caution was required as multiple operatives are trolling, looking for our presence.

Operatives?! [Hairy returns device to bracket] Who? NSA again? Homeland?

One freelancer who works occasionally for the NSA. One foreign operative. Seven purely illegal hackers.

I thought our numbers were up. Haven't had this many views in a while now. Or did we happen on something with popular content?

Pretend news is apparently popular.

Oh--well, in THAT case . . .

NEWS

I've noticed, by sending Shelob along various server connections, fiber-optic networks, and having him monitor radio modem broadcasts and 'zines, that many people are unhappy with the choices they can afford on various media. Satellite radio, television channel packages, websites for showing reruns or renting shows, sometimes in their entirety, are not exempt. An acquaintance of mine complained several months ago that he didn't like spending twice as much to get one channel he wanted when he didn't even want most of the channels he had. He considered them no better than 'dead air.'

Does that count as fake news?

Perhaps. Style not match error. Declaring Herr D by name would have been more effective. Also unwise to name Shelob unless terming Shelob 'field correspondent' or 'research assistant.' Also, new does not seem popular without more emotive words.

[double take] News.

It was one new item. Is plural form irregular?

Yeah. News is like, well, hair. When you're talking about just, say, one to six of them, you say 'news,' or 'hairs.' When you mean a headful, you say hair. When you mean general and uncountable, you say, "What's new, buddy?"

Have you finished that emotional valence program I started?

No. Too many variables. They outnumber your hairs.

. . . HEY! [disconnect]

This Is A Special Fake News Bulletin--Please Stand By

I'm going to try an experiment today. I'm going to stick to the topic of crisis management but portray it as: (hold your breath, imagine a drumroll--)

NEWS

So here is my commentator, Herr D, reporting what he saw on television last night. We start in the middle so it might sound like you missed something important.

So, we'll call her 'Smelly.' She misquoted / quoted out of context President Obama four times that I caught with a casual listen. She couldn't even quote a movie correctly. I see why she shouldn't be a news anchor, but why would anyone think she'd make a decent pundit?

She's attractive and all, but blondness won over brains with her. If you figure out who I mean, mute her from now on. If you can't hear her, her more appropriate nickname is 'Lovely.'

She tried to pick apart a guest made most famous for suffering facial damage. (Talk about sticking your nose in!) There's a guy who'll say what people don't like to hear. Her guest, who I'll refer to as 'Harold,' claimed he knew exactly why Obama did things, and that he didn't care just so they were done.

Harold, I don't read minds, but I know that trying to think you can when you can't makes you at least partly wrong. Don't claim you understand to the core the motives of a politician. Regular people who aren't well-paid to project a certain image are misread by the most insightful people in the world.

In the same broadcast, a congressman promised that he and his would 'defund' certain of Obama's efforts. So who's getting laid off, demoted, transferred? Clearly you don't care about the government employees any more than you cared about this issue before right now.


Why would anyone claim Obama "can't do that?" If congress had gone and done enough, Obama's resolve would never have strengthened on that issue. If he's "playing politics," then that makes you a sore loser. Really though, neither the president nor congress is "playing politics." That's their job. That's what we pay them to do. They're professionals.

[burbling laughter] Herr D, I didn't know you had it in you. [sudden startle] Good point about professional liars lawyers politicians. Where the average mind is--

[five pupils dilate] um . . . PROBABLY layered like a good haircut, a successful politician's mind is about as--um, LIKELY to be as straightforward and easy-to-untangle as a hairball straight from the mouth of a housecat.

I'm thinking here that news media portray this as outrageous. What's that expression? Meh?

Correct.

Thank you, Shelob. This is not a crisis. This really isn't such a big deal. Either the squabble will needlessly continue, or everyone involved will get their way. Either the right balance will be achieved, or the infighting and sabotage of others' work will prevent any true progress or anything else from occurring.

I don't think I need to explicitly say what's more likely. Who disagrees with anything any of us have said?

Well, that's the fake news from me. At least I was honest about it. Till next time. [disconnect]

Solution Set Seemingly So Simple, Select Soothsayers Sensibly

[rhythmic indeterminate clanging noises] Hey, Shelob? Why is the oxygen level in the water lower than normal?

Pollutants have collected in this sector as colder tides swirl around it.

Moderate stagnation? Yeesh. Drop our temperature to match. Aren't we supposed to do that anyway?

Thermal output of equipment less than a similar volume of squid or octopi.

You mean, as if I had a mate.

A brother.

Right, 'cause I'd be FOGGIN' UP THE PLACE.

You have declared this before. Swirling caused by shape of silt on bottom.

How much of that did we cause?

None. Area picked for present capacity.

Oh. So we'll improve things by interfering? Put together that new fan and disrupt the swirl. Gimme some wildlife to swim around. I should have pets.

[two-eye bulge, remembering something] HEY! I've got a blog topic for today!

"We CAN We WILL We MUST" by Herr D,
made on heromachine.com. Neat! --Hairy

 I like this theme of dealing with crises. How many people can see through crises to the solution? How do you identify those people? Are they the same people who know how to PREVENT crises and why or why not?

Things That Make You Go Wha--OUCH--Thunk

[stretch, yawn] So, how did they clean up the damage so fast, Shelob?

That was not a newsfeed. That was "Godzilla" with Matthew Broderick, copyright--

Oh. Disaster movie? I thought the radiation thing was a bit over the top. [ten minutes pass]

Here. Herr D did a good job of copying  I --uh-- he did well at transferral of media. Yeah, that's it.

"City Stomper" by Herr D on heromachine.com.

Of course, any atmosphere that could support such a massive being wouldn't have aircraft that looked like THAT, but hey--I think he did very well, even the way he hid the second eyestalk looks pretty good.

So. if a ridiculously unpredictable disaster hit your hometown, how many people do you think would die because they were still saying "Wha--?" after they saw the broadcast?