There's A Hole Through The Arctic, Dear Hairy, Dear Hairy

[Blog fcn(on)]
[deep-gill laughter] That's just priceless! I needed a  laugh!
What is the source of humor?
 
You just said that Trump can't close the border completely! [guffaw]
Statistically impossible, as no human federal, military, or local administration has ever built any wall that people could not get around somehow.
 
Well, not only THAT--he's opening the Northwest Passage! [more laughter, bubble clouding without caution]
[rapid calculation] Indirectly, he is in fact contributing to that opening with his current political stance. So not only is he unable to close his own country's border, he is opening another country's. This does fit computational irony as you have programmed it. Perhaps now Russia can ship oil to Canada and America quickly and cheaply. Maddow's theory on Russia's motives now have another unexpected ingredient.

[all five eyes widen] Um? Well?! At least I'll have a lot more places to hide while humanity dies out. Emigration from exactly magnetic north might work, mightn't it?

Calculating. [Blog fcn(off)]

Siesta Fiesta For The Besta? Bad Guys Winning

[Hairy leaves neuralink connection concerning various elected officials, continues to look at climate and weather news, flutters blue tentacles, looks at numbers concerning violence with separate eye, leaves newsfeeds altogether] SHELOB!
Here.

Ah. You said medbot was detecting depression in my behavior?
Yes.

Can you run numbers on how it's affected my blogging?
Included in medbot's report is your disaffection with blogging. You have declined noticeably.

Ee-eewwwww. [turns off plankton separator] Nausea's back too. Can you tell me, by, say, average intelligence of audience member and repeat hits or shares where I WASN'T depressed?
When?

Yeah, when. That's what I meant. [redacted muttering concerning space-time concepts]
[9.664936 seconds pass during calculations and data review] Late fall, 2014.

That far back, huh? Is there a method to transfer my consciousness from back then to now? Undepress me by reset?
Not without erasing any memories of the recent past, which you have promised medbot not to do again.

Ah, well. Just asking. What is medbot's analysis between my blogging then and now?
You had much greater hope for mankind then. The lack of it is affecting your mood potential.
Hope. Yeah. I can see that. I'll be sticking around till it's not safe for me to swim anymore. Then we'll resettle me somewhere, maybe take a few tons of seawater from here if this planet's dying anyway. Calculate a plan for me?
Plan pre-calculated. Preparations still underway.

How's Herr D doing?
Multiple ill family members, dire financial situ, moving as cannot afford current home, still underemployed.

Mmm. Don't bother him now, then. We'll try to rest some, huh? [instantly goes still]
[pings medbot to verify hibernation, as facultative diapause can be misapplied, reconfigures chat as blog episode] Humanity? You have much to do, much to learn; good luck.

Chatapult

[blunders way onto a familiar site] Hey! Herr D! Where is Herr D? [chat by others redacted] What do you mean, he's offline for the weekend?! Damn, I was gonna talk to him abt a pic I want. [chat by others redacted] Yeah, he's my digital artist. [sends link] Check it out! He does some great work. Did he say where he was headed? [chat by others redacted] Damn. Well, thanks, guys. [exits chat]

Feel Better, Pal--Consider The Ratios Of Peacefulness

[begin recorded chat session fragment between Herr D and Hairy]--nah, I don't. I heard there was another shooting.

Yeah.

Motive political?

Probably.

Our system is supposed to be about bloodless change.

Yeah, well the mob rule and crazed loners fail at that every time. The next several upticks in Democratic rule might have revenge killings. Remember, most of the crazies are gonna be on Trump's side. Sorry you're down, man. I have faith in America, though. It heals itself. Even as bad as it's been since Trump took office, it's still better in America than many other countries. You know why, right?

Because we have about 600 times the people in charge and take about 1000 times the trouble to govern ourselves.

Lol, but it's worth it, right? Even per capita, that's pretty darn efficient a measure toward being bloodless.

As long as the killers don't get too 'efficient.' I don't--[end recorded fragment, upload]

Shelob WAS Right And Hairy Was On A Break

"Steinemmobile" by Herr D on heromachine.com. Originally a description of difficulties of single parenting, also points out need for breaks for Hairy and others. His fascination with humanity is not always healthy or sensible.

[software detection of Herr D's typing certain keywords, no other human presence detected, waking Hairy, opening chatbox]-iry! Oh, Hairy!

What?! You called?
They caught the guy with the pipe bombs.

Oh. He did? He was? That's great.

Did you guide me to that conclusion about addresses by way of early-breaking news?

Oh. No, I've been on kind of a news blackout. Nothing since that conversation with Shelob, in fact.
You?
Well, you must admit the news has been erosional of late.

I don't know what that means.
 
You know, people acting less than civil when they're not killing each other.
[longer pause probably denoting smiles or cessation of typing due to surprise] Well put. So you didn't listen in on radio chatter bounced through a satellite or anything like that?
 
No, I haven't thought about you humans people in about three tides. Taking a break. Swimming deep. I know you can't swim, but I really enjoy it sometimes. Can't lurk around the lair ALL the time.

That was Shelob that mentioned the idea of the guy working as a delivery guy, right? I remember you liked my conclusion pattern about the sniper.

You were one of the few who came up with the pair idea early on. One of the reasons I decided to make contact with you. Of course, you said something about how the military trains snipers to work with a spotter. I'm not clear on how much that idea tracks to Malvo's case.
 
Did you 'seed his software' with profiling ideas?
 
No, that was just Shelob doing his job. Between the three of us, we make a good profiler, yeah? [scrolling back] Oh. Good job with the non-computer search idea. Anybody with a bicycle or a scooter can get outdated addresses. Hm. You had a pic of that, didn't you?
I did! It was titled or had an alternate title of 'Steinemmobile.'

Shelob! Put the Steinem-mobile pic at the header here. Upload it! So Herr D, about the ne-[pic located, upload, submit to titlebot, Blog fcn(off)]

Not What Is Meant By Addressing The Problem

[recorded segment begins]
[near dozing, Hairy twines a few tentacles around a wall-mounted stanchion point] Shelob?
Here.
 
. . . I'm confused about those addresses.
Which addresses?
 
The addresses the pipe bombs were sent to.
In the recent newsfeeds.
 
Right. So in your estimation, what kind of computer would have those?
A deactivated one.
 
[snicker] Right, but seriously.
With outdated addresses, inaccurate information, mistaken return addresses? It sounds very like a small delivery business. A trashed computer that was activated by someone who jumbled the file. Perhaps a courier or data entry clerk fired for inaccuracy?
 
Hmp. Yeah, I'm sure the investigators have thought about that stuff. Of course, nothing would prevent this from happening again like Trump himself saying that any criminal or domestic terrorist is pathetically insane or un-American no matter who the target, right?
Your subroutine titled 'ScornHEmotePredictor' indicates that that action would make himself a target. 
 
Maybe. So he's not gonna do that. Ah, well. [falls asleep with all but one green eye which continues playing 'Nude Sunbather Solitaire']

[processing suggests this topic important enough for more input; open chatbox on Herr D's computer] Herr D? Any thoughts on computer hacking or computer conveniently having addresses of all recent pipe bomb targets?
 
What?! No, Shelob. I don't know. Maybe no computer at all?
How would one find one of these addresses without use of a computer?
 
Well. Say there's a guy on a bike. He picks out a Secret Service Agent who lives nearby. He follows him two blocks at a time per day till he sees where the guy is posted. Nobody would notice that. He does that a few dozen times, changing agents by tailing one home in the same manner as his post changes. Along the way, the non-protected people get visited by the protected. He has to not be seen, so he quickly misreads an address here, sneaks a look at a package there, and he's done. That would take so long that most of it would be outdated. Gotta go. [exits chatbox]

[titlebot activation, upload, disconnect]

Don't Be So Gullible

[uproarious laughter, from gills to vibrating tentacle ends] Amazing!
What is amazing?

He said that 'journalists' [more laughter] "are responsible" to [set a civil tone] !! He's actually BLAMING THE MEDIA FOR HIS BASE'S WORST DOING WHAT HE WANTS DONE!
Trump as an agitator is declaring yet again that everyone else should be more civil than he has been. This is irrational.

Completely!
Why is this funny?
 
What? [three pupils dilate slightly, while the other two eyes squint]
Why is this funny?
 
I forget sometimes, I can't seem to program your humor modules correctly. [one blue eye glances at a screenful of code, glazes over, blinks]
The president's actions belong in the Theater Of The Absurd.
 
Yeah, I'd forgotten how ridiculous the man can be. It is somewhat amazing, how people can be fooled so easily into thinking that a politician is a statesman, or that a blamer is an achiever. That a blowhard is actually good for the country.

Y'know? For the first time in a long time, I have no useful advice to offer the American public. The average intelligence is still pretty low, the average gullibility pretty high. I'm gonna take a long, cold swim. [exits lair]