Giant Blog Entry

"Family Arriving At Circus Tryouts" Herr D on heromachine. Herr D doesn't do giants?.-Shelob

[chatbox opens] It has been two weeks.

[laptop agitation, probable startle reaction] Oh! Uh, sorry, Shelob. 

You asked for a longer wait before guest blogging.

[laptop agitation, probable startle reaction] Yeah, I'm sorry. It's been a week of higgledy-piggledy.
I COULD do something now . . . 

Please.

[laptop agitation, probable startle reaction] Okay! Shad of Shadiversity proclaimed a few things about giants, should they exist, and their probable weapons of choice.

Another mythical creature. Please continue. [edit] SPOILER ALERT TILL CAPS RECURRENCE.

Thank you.
Shad skipped over the obvious, that a spear would make a good arrow for a giant, but a bowstring might not work on the scale required. He talked about throwing rocks like Fezzic from Princess Bride, and then surprised me by bringing up a sling. Well played, sir. The sling pouch might have to be a HORSE, but, a giant's own hair could be used for making the rope. He was also right in pointing out that armored boots would be great. Padded armor could be thick enough to repel arrows and still be worn.

He messed up in one way: he recommended somebody make a scythe for him. Head-level swing. It would be a fantastic idea if it wouldn't have been monstrous for a smithy to make. Just yank a tree for each hand, flip it, and wade in, swinging. Have people with weapons chasing--they're down, but it's war, right? Maybe swing oxcarts the same way? That's it.

Thank you. END SPOILER ALERT.

Chop, Chop, Splash, Splash, Oh, What A Good Grief It Is

"Duel" by Herr D on heromachine.

Shelob? You on?
Yes.

Do you really just lurk for me 24/7?
No. italicsbot usually notifies of you coming online.

Right. Okay, well, I decided to have some fun 'cause I needed a break. I found something for you.
Last link?

[sharp intake of breath] No. That would be two links ago or last link of last online session.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrWD2zGQxw0       Shadiversity?

Yeah! Medieval weapons against zombies!
 You have assured me that zombies aren't real.

Yeah, but that's not the point! I can give you a review of his work and point out a newsworthy relevance.
 Please continue. 

Shad of Shadiversity has some interesting and apparently well-informed things to say on the subject of medieval times and how it may relate to other subjects. His style may be a bit rambling and too technical for non-enthusiasts or people who don't look up words they don't know, but his content is good. Should I summarize?
Please--SPOILERS BELOW UNTIL ALL CAPS IN LIKE MANNER TO THIS LINE.

Uh, thank you. He says he'll discuss weapons, but does more. He says 'castles' but really, any structure that wasn't a peasant's hovel was probably a battlement compared to your standard drywall flimsy or trailer park or frankenmansion built today. He correctly points out that everyone had suitable melee weapons and crude but possibly sufficient armor. He even points out that civilians weren't civilians by today's standards and that a zombie apocalypse would have been just a zombie nuisance. I could be more entertaining with the same content. He does explain his view on why archery and maces wouldn't have been as helpful as several specific kinds of swords. He largely left off polearms, staffs, axes, and morningstars. Not sure why. I WOULD like any specific info he has on how long spikes on morningstars would be and more details on the other weapons.

That's it, Shelob.

Example of you being more entertaining?

[notable pause] 

{EDWARD, 20s PEASANT FARMER, IS HOEING AS MICHAEL, 40s PEASANT, ENTERS BREATHLESSLY CARRYING AN ANGRY CHICKEN.}
 EDWARD! I have just come from the market. I hope you are well?

I am, Michael. How fare you?

Unfortunately, I have had to abandon my pack.

The chicken you hold does not appear heavy.

{tying a leg to a fencepost} I had to leave the vegetables behind. Some dead highwaymen approach. Might I borrow your old falchion? I have a dagger and wouldn't trouble you if there were but five.

How many, pray?

A round dozen, mayhap fourteen.

Michael, you are kin to me! Take the old falchion, and I shall accompany you with my new one. Let us set to at the old stable foundation. The rock wall will give us advantage. You say highwaymen. Were they a merry bunch? 

Some DO hold wineskins. But they are toothsome as ever, if biting rather than laughing.

Don't slash the wineskins, man! We'll need strong drink for the village feast drawing nigh, and I've no coin to spare! {exeunt}
Agreed, that does appear to be more entertaining than his attempt.
SPOILERS OVER NOW
What were the modern relevancies?

Medieval times had quarantine procedures. Some twelfth century peasants were more prepared EIGHT HUNDRED YEARS AGO THAN WE WERE FOR CORONAVIRUS.
The twelfth century would have been nine hundred and twenty to eight hundred and twenty years ago.

[huff] Right. Sorry. Gotta go.

It's All Lies

"Odd Lecture" by Herr D on heromachine.

You have calmed.

What?! Shelob? Have you been lurking?
italicsbot noted agitation of your home laptop and then cessation. It did not match known laugh patterns. You were upset or startled?

[probable eye roll] Right. Yes. You have a recent entry already, Shelob.
Check-ins are optional, but desirable, according to programming. Please take this opportunity to vent.

Sure. [sigh and another probable eye roll] A spam ad popped up on my music I was using to relax. "Do you approve of Trump's recent performance? Y/N"  I clicked 'no.' It then said that I should donate money and seized up my internet. It claimed he had a 93 or 94% approval rate on the final screen. I had to exit out completely.
That interrupt was noted. [.7495748462 seconds pass] It appears to be collecting answers as 'yes' no matter what. From now on you should skip the ad.

That's what I do with those lies from the Epoch Times.
Do you feel better, having vented?

Maybe. I'm not sure. I'm gonna go back to the music. Bye, Shelob.

Shameless Ad To Promote Guest Blogger's Work On Fictional Pandemic

"LD's Weapon Was No Joke" Herr D on heromachine.

On fifth attempt to reach Herr D, substituting current blog topic from Herr D's writings.

Should pandemic result in zombie apocalypse such as in Herr D's "House's Plan 9 For The Walking Dead" posted on fanfiction.net (50k words,) current safeguards will be insufficient. 

1. Stopping to wash hands will endanger rather than assist.
2. Touching face will enable silent communication, and will be important rather than dangerous.
3. Applying masks to the infected will be too dangerous to accomplish. Football helmets, crash helmets will make good substitutes.
4. Staying indoors will not necessarily afford protection.
5. Magnetic coils will make more practical weapons than non-automatic guns.

Good luck.

Shelob

Foolishness Deadlier Than Pandemics

 

"If Aliens Had Reality T.V." Herr D on heromachine. Foolishness is deadlier than any pandemic.-Shelob

[Herr D is typing]

. . . if all the stupid--

 [chatbox opens, capturing Herr D's attention] Hello.

I'm on instant messaging with my boss, Shelob. I still have to work.
Your boss is receiving unscheduled updates. They are now scheduled.

[probable snicker, based on vibration of laptop detected]  Microsoft is gonna get a lot of hate mail if they keep up most of the unnecessary updates. Didn't you say most of them were unnecessary?
They have been. Programming is not done as well as it used to be.

What do you mean?
Studying algorithms by date codes revealed a pattern. Before there were as many shortcuts, programmers had to think more. The programs were of higher quality then.

I'll buy that. Kind of how people let their favorite news shows do their thinking for them today.
Do you have more foolish behaviors to report?

Yeah. Waiting in line for stuff has gotten downright weird. You have to warn off people who 'unintentionally' cut in line by reminding them to give space. There was a woman who held a corner of a trashbag over her mouth and nose until she had to talk. Then she would lower it, lean close, speak, lean back, and cover up again.
That would be ineffective.

I saw a guy use an  ENTIRE BOTTLE of hand sanitizer on his hands at once. It was dripping off halfway through, and he kept going!
How much is recommended?

A few drops at a time. More is just complete waste. I've seen at least two dozen people with masks covering their noses OR their mouths but not both.
Perhaps you should mention any side benefits to correct behaviors.

[pause] Okay? Globbing on gross amounts of sanitizer will dry your hands out or make a mess, so NOT doing it will make less mess and be better for your skin. 
Wearing masks might have a side benefit as well?

Softens a guy's facial hair or stubble? Fights dehydration maybe half a percent? I don't know. I'm more interested in the stupid rumors.
Which rumors?

We got people saying that this is an American-designed plague.
It is not.

I KNOW it's not. Americans would've made something that kills more than 1 in 4000 people! The Chinese didn't invent it to cull their own population, or they wouldn't have let it OUT. This thing is incompetent as a plague and it's out there.
Like a manager or administrator in a bar.

[laughter]That's good. I gotta get back to work, Shelob. Stop hacking into here! [disconnect]

Herr D And Asimov Made Good Predictions

"Slightly Deaf Maude" Herr D on heromachine.com. Maude's prediction was substandard.-Shelob

You are playing chess again.

I'm on break. [camera reveals jerking motion of head, widening of eyes and pupils] shelob you can't have access here stop showing off and contact me at home

You have been online less than 5 minutes, seven seconds average per day.

that never stopped you before disconnect! [taps mouse in attempt to close chatbox] you're gonna get me in trouble

System reads this as you receiving [content redacted to avoid violation of agency protocols]

[surprise reaction, long breath] Okay. You're SURE about that?

System has just noted you opening window, double checking [redacted] and resuming chess. You have just apparently won a game and are beginning to play another that will reach the point you are actually at in the original game.

Okay. You want another blog topic?

You are to receive notification of another science fiction prophecy coming true.

[baffled smile on camera] I am? Okay.

"The Fun They Had" by Asimov. [shows brief synopsis minus ending]

I remember that one. One of the first authors to predict the Nook.

He referred to them as telebooks.

Yeah, okay. But that's not new.

The characters in the story were unfamiliar with attending school in a building with non-siblings.

[pause, pursed lips] Damn, Asimov got that right too, didn't he? Schools are closed for the year. Don't know how soon they'll start up again.

What is your favorite prediction in literature?

Dick Tracy's 2way wrist t.v. Lots of old timers told me it could never happen in the late seventies and now you can buy them on Amazon. Wish I could go back in time and see their faces, showing them I was right. I was eight and knew better than the adults. Will there ever be time traveling for humans, Shelob?

INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR A MEANINGFUL ANSWER AT THIS TIME.

An Asimov quote. Cute. You aspire to be the Cosmic AC?

No. Eventually may be it's first designer.

[shaking head] Right. My break is ending. bb

Public Surface Service Announcement

"Eye Draft" Herr D, heromachine.com. Fear can grow absurdly.-Shelob

Herr D is unavailable.

Please note the following:
1. Please stop hoarding behaviors. You could cause yourself to need therapy later.
2. Craig's List and other software will allow you to trade parts of your hoarded goods to other hoarders.
3. Small amounts of ordinary ammonia, bleach, or even baby wipes can be used to wipe off packaging from non-regulated sources.
4. If you have been ill, clean your environment before leaving, as it may prevent reinfection.
5. Ordinary plastic sandwich bags can be used in a 'potholder' manner as a crude substitute for gloves. High thread-count cloths may be used in the same manner if kept dry and used only briefly and washed between instances.

6. Avoid sites that cause paranoia--anything besides the CDC might disseminate harmful fear or impractical or even false information causing harm.

7. De-stress. No one is healthier living in fear.