The Tragedy Of DSF's Hiatus, News Brought To You By Our Favorite Visitor

"Hairy As DJ" by Herr D on heromachine.com. DSF sometimes gets AI's just right.-Shelob

 

[opens chatbox over e-mail tab, dividing screen] Herr D.

! Hey. You have not blogged.

Uh, no. Sorry. Holiday crunch. How overdue am I? Per your revised schedule, two days, seven hours. Per previous schedule, one week. Per Hairy's revised schedule, five days, seven hours, eleven minutes.

Wait, what is it revised to? You are to average two per two weeks plus one instance on your one week only working 65 hours or less per month.

Right. Thank you for the two-day slack, then. I haven't even SEEN any news since Monday. The break room t.v. is broken again. You have a guest blogger.

[agitation under laptop] ? 

 [neuralink delay for transmission over 5000 miles] Hey, man!  

[vigorous agitation under laptop] God, Hairy! How've you been! 

[neuralink delay for transmission over 5000 miles] Warmer than I should be, but doing okay. Far too many secret subs trying to find new ways through the Arctic. Not that the Northwest Passage is going to open right away . . .

Shelob's been saying your 'suitbots' haven't been transmitting.

 . . . but the glaciers HAVE been somewhat smaller. Oh, yeah, I've had to program them to line up for signal bounce. Have you monetized the blog, yet?

No. I'm REALLY BAD at that sort of thing. I've done maybe a tenth of the reading. It's a very effective way to fall asleep. Glad to hear from you. You coming in for Christmas? Your holiday observations were always interesting.

[neuralink delay for transmission over 5000 miles] Oh. Christmas HASN'T happened yet. I thought I'd call up and offer consolation about dsf hiatusing.

[choking noise detected over microphone] Uh, hiatusing isn't a word. Do you mean dailysciencefiction.com? [opens next tab to start checking]

[neuralink delay for transmission over 5000 miles] Yeah. You didn't know?

[cursing detected over microphone] No. I was going to look next week to see if they were ready for submissions again. I haven't even had time to read FLASH FICTION recently. I'm like, only caught up to late October and haven't read all the fantasy sections yet.

I'm gonna miss them! They need to come back. Quick preferably.

Shelob notified me of a plot in a recent submission. Shelob? Here.

Get Herr D that link? [sends reassuring feelings psychically]

*  https://dailysciencefiction.com/science-fiction/robots-and-computers/jenna-hanchey/we-found-ourselves-beyond-the-vanishing-wave  *

[opens tab, copies link, stops to read] Are you SERIOUS?

I told you you got it right, man. After all, that was the final reason I selected you to take over. That wasn't the piece you were writing, was it?

[laugh] No. I had completely forgotten that idea. REDACTED FOR SPOILER. I guess I should have jumped on it back when I thought of it. You weren't going to, obviously.

[neuralink delay for transmission over 5000 miles] Nope. Hey, I hope you have a good one. I gotta go. Tides shifting again, and I haven't had enough plankton. [endtrans]

Wow. DSF! We're gonna miss you. Come back! For those of you who aren't familiar, the address is dailysciencefiction.com, and they've got a decade's worth to read. It's free, and you'd never know it by the higher quality content than you'd expect. Thanks for connecting Hairy, Shelob.

You are welcome. [blog fcn close]

"People Like To Count" Says Herr D

 

"Guest Judge," by Herr D on heromachine.com. "People like to count." -Herr D

The profiles given by area do not match.

What? The numbers of voters that were registered by party do not match.

Do they normally? No, but this is outside the one percent margin of error.

Which states were the worst? Nevada, Georgia.

Well, DUH. The people in certain states were told that they could rest assured their votes wouldn't count anymore if they voted a certain way. SO THEY DIDN'T VOTE THAT WAY.

That's not hard. People like to count. [recalculating for 6.74656229 seconds] Explanation within margin of error. Thank you.

Reaction To Foolish Statement By Pundit

 

"Pandit" by Herr D on heromachine.com. Some pundit shows are excessively negative, some are completely backwards, like the one featured in today's episode.--Shelob

[shows clip of Tucker Carlson's show with banner: Democracy in danger from voters] You see the conflict in this statement?

[has been laughing before reading question] Good grief! They put the 'moron' in oxymoron!

Let's Be Clear . . .

"Maze 9" by Herr D on Paint for Windows. Sometimes true wisdom requires more alternatives.--Shelob

 You do not vote by party. Perhaps those voters who know your wisdom might like you to explain.

 I don’t like about a third of the policies democrats want. I don’t like about half of the candidates democrats want. I hate cancel culture. I don’t think the new multiple-letter approach to gender issues is an improvement so much as a different way things can go wrong.

I like the PEOPLE.

When Democrats go nuts, they get arrested for not containing their protests to the sidewalk, or disturbing the peace. When they REALLY go nuts, they help loot a store or two and go to jail and get sued for damages. Their pundits apologize when they get something wrong.

When Republicans go nuts, they back a lout like Trump who actually DAMAGES the country and pretend everything he does is fine, lying about it when they can. When they REALLY go nuts, they try kidnapping, voter intimidation, hurting elected officials and family members, looting our government offices, and go to jail killing police, all while CLAIMING they want a nation of laws. One of their pundits lied so obviously and so heinously that he was successfully sued for a record high settlement. When their pundits get something wrong, they lie about it and keep going.  Tucker Carlson broke the record last night for logical errors.

Which record? Facts? No. His factual errors are on par with other pundits supported by Fox News. He and his guest made 22 logical errors in 27 minutes and four seconds. Hannity had made 13 in the same amount of time, and Ingraham made 16.

Wow. That's another thing. Fox isn't a dark horse, it's a saboteur and a disinformation spreader. And it doesn't help that their pundits are so DITZY! REAL intelligent people like Maddow and her cronies check their facts or have their staff do it. They actually TELL the truth, though they don't like it sometimes. Then they use REAL BRAINS TO ANALYZE IT. --And no, they don't always reach the right conclusions, but they do a good job and admit when they do it wrong. Your assessment seems accurate. That is odd, considering the 'religious right' label given to some Republicans.

They're the religious WRONG. They're the ones that have been successfully misled into thinking that people who bombed abortion clinics valued life though they killed people. They're the ones who've been fooled into thinking anti-fascism is a bad idea, though fascism is the sort of government espoused by Hitler himself. They're the ones that think they should inch America toward a theocracy, though America was founded on the ideal of religious freedom.  Do they believe they are saving the units called souls?

[snicker] You can't save souls by legislation. You MIGHT get people to pretend they're good people by having them hide bad behavior better, but they're still going to be bad people. They might even be worse because they'll spend more time deceiving others. You are religious?

I'm Quaker. We invented the conscientious objector, where a person might go to war as a non-combat worker--cook, clerk, or medic, for example. A way to serve our country without killing others. It takes bravery, along with every other quality a good soldier has, even aggression! The aggression is used to 'attack' one's duties and training materials. So you are in the religious middle?

[sighs] Yeah, I guess. That do it? Thank you. [exits] 

 

 

Fake Phone Call, Fake Person, Real Stroke, Real Worry

 

"Elf Opening Petrol Station" photo by Herr D for "Vengeance For Sale" HP fanfic. Fakery for a photo is much like fakery for a political office. Staged correctly, things are different than they appear by design.--Derivation by Shelob

[opens chatbox on Herr D's phone] Herr D?

[sharp movement of phone] ['Gaah!' : approximate transliteration, calls up keyboard, begins texting:] not goood at text 

That is not important. Blog is overdue. Can you please look at phone for four minutes?

[background noise, Herr D saying approximately 'I forgot something, don't worry.' then inserts headphone jack and texts:] y go

[plays clips of recent debate where one candidate was recovering from a stroke] Perhaps you can blog on this? Maybe you can speak into the phone as if talking to a human?

[short pause before speaking] Yeah, Marty, hello? No, the disturbing thing wasn't the flip-flop of the other candidate or the ignorance about strokes he's depending on nor even the stroke symptoms of the one candidate. The REALLY disturbing thing was that despite him slurring words, mixing up words, mashing words together, pausing strangely, making odd sentences, and moving his face a little oddly, HE SOUNDED JUST AS SOBER, ORGANIZED, CAPABLE, AND WISE AS ALL CONGRESS HAS FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS. --AND MORE TRUTHFUL! [odd twisting of phone during background noise] Thanks, guys. [back into phone] I gotta go, Marty. [pretends to hang up]

Thank you. [exits]

YuniD Debuts With A Story

"Baby Got Out" by Herr D on heromachine.com. Offspring growing up can be an adventure.--Shelob

 

 Who?

REDACTED. Oh, your squidling.

[laughs] My kid. Yeah. She wrote a story. Pretty good, too! Good enough to debut here. [scans] It appears beyond her academic level.

Yeah, well, she's an advanced student. [noticeable temperature change, possible emotional output] Yes, please; Herr D, post.

[posts] She said to title it "What Happened To The Processor?"--The song referenced is real, and pretty good, even to my old-fashioned ears.

"I found this song earlier; would you like to hear it? It's called `Nothing ever changes' by Nico Collins." Olive said. The song started playing, glitching a little as it was. "Where did you find this? It's quite interesting." Cecilia replied; as the music glitched one more time and shut off. "I found it on this playlist made by TeddyLover625." Olive declared, very excited about her find. 

"Well, it's cool compared to other songs we have heard!" Cecilia exclaimed, trying to turn the music on again. "Why isn't it turning back on? I want to hear it again." 

Olive messed around with the now cracked pad, trying to get the computer to turn on again. The computer made an odd mangled sound; before sparking and powering off. "Aw, come on!" She barked and snapped it in two with her bare hands, throwing it forty feet easily.

 "Calm down; the processor was very fragile!" Cecilia said as she sprinted to grab the two mangled pieces. 

"It wasn't working, though!"

 "Come on, let's get back to the ship," Cecilia replied solemnly, bringing the two pieces with her. Cecilia perked up, "What was that song ABOUT, anyway?"

 Olive replies, "They were talking about gun violence, 2021-2022? That year's frame was when it was published, anyway."

"The pandemic in ancient history class?"

"Yeah, we still called ourselves 'humans' back then? Subject to illness? Let's get it to the lab; maybe we can fix it. We have some of their other outdated techs." 

Cecilia scrunched up her face, "Gun violence? Don't you mean hunting?"

Olive blinked, "No, it's when humans killed humans."

Cecilia arched her back a little, her long ears straightening. "Wasn't that illegal, even back then?"

Olive nodded, "Yes, but now it would punish the victim as well as the one who shot; it would burst our eardrums and damage our cranium."

 

Olive wiggled her ears a little and said, "The ship is close! Let's go."

"Proper Goose" Hands Propaganda, Demonstrating Republicans Don't Want Constituents That Think For Themselves

"Problem With The Art Final," by Herr D on heromachine.com. It shows a student beginning to faint receiving her instructions and supplies. Perhaps if people trusted educators to be intelligent enough to educate, they might get an education? --Shelob

 

scan this? [holds up wrinkled page in front of laptop camera] [scans] Purpose?

It's a blog topic. Examining text. Please provide context?

I was going to 'Back To School Night' when I saw a guy in the parking lot. I pulled up to him and asked him was he there for 'Back To School Night,' and he said yes. I asked him for a copy of what he was handing out for that. He gave me one and asked if I would like two, squinting into the car at the other people that weren't there. I told him no, that one would do. By the time I was parked, I realized he'd lied to me. He was there handing out political stuff. Propaganda?

What ISN'T these days? I crumpled it up, not liking being lied to. Then, on the way home, I realized that if he lied to me to take the page, it probably had lies on it, too. I asked several people at work and some of my friends about some of it, as well as talked to a local parent I met that night and an administrator who works at the local hospital. Found out I was right. It is Republican. titlebot suggests 'Proper Goose' be worked into the title.

[chuckles] all right. Count off the points listed?  1. Democrats stand for teachers' unions and bureaucrats over parents' and students' rights.

That's the most obvious falsehood. Every parent is for their own rights and their kids. Only a fool should believe otherwise. Lots of those parents are democrats--the voting record says so. 2. Lockdowns and virtual learning over in-person education.

Uh, no. Every parent of every child I know and ever heard of wants their child safe, minus a few crazies who gave up custody and / or aren't allowed to vote anymore. Everyone I can find believes we aren't advanced enough to school over screens more than we must for health reasons. 3. No school choice or educational competition.

I have some friends at work that ARE diehard democrats. Some of them home-school, some go public, some pay for private. So that's another lie. 4. Mask and vaccine mandates.

Everyone in the health industry I've ever heard of, even the two workers (out of about four thousand) at the local hospitals who quit rather than get a vaccine, want people wearing masks, and NOT just for COVID. Every parent I know wants their kid vaccinated to keep them safe, Democrat, Republican, and even those crazy people who think masks are a communist plot. 5. Elimination of School Resource Officers.

Who wants that? I can't find ANYONE or even THINK of anyone who wants that except for maybe a few juvenile delinquents who can't vote. 6. "Indoctrination" with CRT, divisive social messages, and political agendas.

Good Lord. If our kids are ever going to learn to think critically, then they need to see those things. Indoctrination is something that modern public schools can't really do. Crazy parents do that in their own homes. Bad peers do that to a degree. 

Now, political agendas and divisive social messages? If there is going to be a debate team, or any class in political science, or history, then there ARE going to be things taught that some people don't like.

As for critical race theory, most people I've spoken to have no idea what it even IS. I might do a separate blog episode just on that. Since CRT works against liberals, I would have thought Republicans would embrace it? Oh, well. 7. Elimination of advanced classes and diplomas for "equity."

God, no. Every Democrat I could reach wants there to be more ways for their kids to DISTINGUISH themselves academically, so the smart ones can outpace the other kids, the athletic kids can focus on sports scholarships and backup plans, and the disabled kids can get services like occupational therapy while still graduating about the same time. Democrats are pro-advanced education. They LIKE their constituents to be intelligent and smart enough to be individuals. That's well-known. 8. Lottery-based opportunities ignoring merit and achievement. 

Yuck. See argument for number 7. So, it seems your 'hunch' was correct. Thank you.

It also quotes the old governor?

"I don't think parents should be telling schools what they should teach."--McAuliffe, in debate with Youngkin

Youngkin is an IDIOT. The average parent has approximately average intelligence, right? Approximately.

I wouldn't want people of average intelligence telling MY kids' schools what to teach. I'd want people smarter than ME telling my kids' schools what to teach. Yikes. People of that level are not available except as the result of a group effort; that is to say, specialists in committee.

Well, thank you. Gotta go. [exits]